sted dad advice needed regarding step son

[toy23]

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

Oh yes, sorry to be unclear, I don't mean the play therapy should be stopped, but it should be additional to the family therapy that is so obviously needed, not instead of.

I think the adults here need to acknowledge that they're the ones who have the power to change things. No amount of play therapy by itself, is going to give this little boy the power to feel secure and loved and valued. He is totally dependent on the behaviour of the adults for that.

i imagine your attitude towards him shines through.

I would love to give a more detailed response but i fear i shall be less than my usual polite understanding self.

your an adult, act like one!

the poor boy is an ASBO waiting to happen with parents like you.

"I have spoken to my wife she fully understands me and feels the same way but is also torn due to motherly instinks."

she as a mother should be ashamed of herself.

Dh says I always recommend books and no-one wants to read books however,

the challenging child but Stanley Greenspan This man is a genius when it comes to difficult children (for whatever reason). It will take work from you and your dh but he does have some answers.

Remember he's just a little boy. However tough he acts.

This book wil back up play therapy. Although I agree family therapy is also needed (a good play therapist should recognise that though - it should be about parent coaching as well as the child).

My 10 year old whinges and has tantrums. Children do that sort of thing.

You mentioned violence (in passing) so I don't believe that is a serious issue but for the record, my DD has pushed DS into a wall, knocked him over deliberately and smacked him.

Children do that sort of thing.

She is not in any way maladjusted, she is a delightful bright clever kind girl.

I think you may be wilfully misinterpreting very occasional acts, because you don't like him and want to demonise him.

My honest feeling is that you are seriously damaging this child.

This thread has upset more than a few of us. Please if you can try to make this poor little boy feel loved.

Christ Diva, this thread makes hard reading

In a nutshell, you've never got your head around this child and life's become a bit more complex and he's not fitting in - square peg in a round hole?

Diva, you've got to get a grip on this and you've got to do it FAST. Just from what you've said on here, it sounds to me like you need to start afresh with your son.

If you and he can rebuild a better relationship, the rest of the family can follow suit but this is going to get worse and worse unless you step in right now. IMO.

To me, it sounds like you've lost your way with each other and whilst the play therapy will get you so far, I feel you need to get far more powerful help for both of you.

I'm going to suggest Parentline as a starting point. If this was me, I would call them first. I would ask for some serious recommendations as to how to proceed and who to seek help from.

This sounds like it has gone way beyond what help you can get just off Mumsnet. You need professional guidance with this. IMO.

Mrtoy23 - you need a good wallop but fair play to you for asking for help on here. Your attitude stinks but you've been worn down, so if you were my DH, I'd be making absolutely sure that you were right in the thick of all solutions being discussed and devised to help this situation. You Sir, will prove to be the biggest stumbling block in this child's life if you're left to your own devices.

Diva, if you turn against him (your son) - he'll have nobody. Not a single, solitary fucking soul in the whole wide world who gives a shit. You can do this but as I've said, I think you need the big guns out to help sort it.

I agree with Doodle2U. Very eloquent. And true.

wise words

At the bottom of it all Divastrop you purely and simply have a duty and responsibility to prioritise your child over your relationship.

Don't muddy the waters with "but what about the other kids?" they will still have a father and will have rights to see him and have him involved; and "but my DD is ok" She may well be ok at the moment, sometimes girls are more able to cope without acting out BUT that does not stop or change the fact that your son is clearly a deeply vulnerable child. Your DD may have different issues at different times.

How you can even be in the same room as a man who thinks this way about your own son, I can't comprehend for a second.

My children were 7 and 9 yrs old when they had a stepfather [ now my dh ] it took a lot of years for them all to learn to live and love each other.we had many difficult times and we all worked hard for many years to overcome all the problems that we had,if my dh had ever spoken about my children as the Op on this thread has ,he would of been shown the door.Start acting like an adult and realise that your stepson is a hurt young child ,he needs love and kindness ,not someone who clearly has given up on him and hates his guts.Shame on you.poor, poor child,this is heartbreaking.

this is truly shocking. shocking, upsetting, awful.

diva i know you're a regular and you seem like a cool lady- have seen your posts.

but you are blinkered. doodle's post is perfect.

a young boy's life is at stake here. i wish you could work through this as a family. but it seems like toy has his mind made up.

please do not choose your new dh over your precious ds. your boy needs you now.

best of luck.

"what i dont understand though,is dd1 had exactly the same start in life.she is only 11 months younger than ds1,they have the same father,they ahve both been brought up by me,so why doesnt dd1 have the same issues?"

Christ on a bike - they don't have the same issues because they are DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Not all children react the same way to the same stimuli. And in fact the stimuli are not the same in any case. Your daughter has not spent the last 2.6 years of her short life being told she is hated, for a start.

Time for me to walk away from this thread.

diva, my dh was told by his step-dad that he hated him, wished he wasn't around etc. (i don't believe that dh was problematic, which doesn't necessarily sound the case with your ds, but bear with me...)

step-dad died of cancer when dh was 26, dh supported his mum briefly then realised he was only doing it out of duty and cut all ties with her. he just doesn't feel anything for her.

she's not been a bad mum, he agrees, but not good either. and he just doesn't like her. it's sad, but there it is, and now she's on her own, never met her grandchild etc. be careful who you choose here.

has it occured to you Diva that your DD's are ok because they were closer to their mother than their father.
boys take the loss of a male figure quite hard and for a new man to enter his life is a big thing....especially when it seems as though not only has his father been pushed out but now he is too.

I just cannot force myself to read this entire thread as i am so angry that a young boy is being treated this way, and more than that his step father posts saying that he cannot wait to kick him out of the house.

your children should be your priority Diva, ALL of your children.

I am glad thatthere are many posters here who can get past this disgraceful attitude and offer some sound advice because quite frankly you need to start shaping up.
Any adult that stood in front of me and said they hated my child would be watching his own arse fall through his mouth i would have booted them out so fast.

oh god i have read more.

Im sorry Diva but if you feel that sticking with this Moron is better than dealing with your child then i quite frankly.......grr i am going.

My stead fast advise in step family situations (and this one is horrendous) is to treat the step-children how you would want yours to be treated. Toy - if diva splits up with you and forms a realtionship with another man, how would you like him to hate your children?
Kids do hit each other, they are arrogant and selfish, that is why they need parents to show them how to be loving and considerate human beings. and of course the best way to do this is to lead by example.

Doodle you have the right idea. Professional intervention can help all the parties in this thread.
Your local Youth Inclusion Service team (YISP) can help you to re-integrate your DS into your family by supporting ALL of the family. I am not talking just about parenting classes but also supporting the way you all relate to each other within your family unit.
Your DS could get support at school as well and be linked into positive activities he might enjoy with your local Youth Inclusion Workers, and Youth Services. At present he seems to be seeking negative attention from his parents and he will continue to wind you both up and play you off each other because it gets him the attention he wants, a different kind of attention from that which your other children recieve.
You can get an assessment of your families needs done through your local Youth Service or CYPS, through your childrens school or local support services its called a CAF assessment and you only have to do it once to start the process rolling.
Please try and try and try again with your son, never give up..... making threats about his future removal from the family will only serve to isolate and alienate him from all of you and drive him into the kinds of behaviour you most fear. Ask for the help you need now to help your DS and keep your family together.

Toy23, try and be in his shoes for a second. If you've experienced all this at an age where you couldn't really understand what was going on but knew everything was wrong, if you were expected to be the "male" in the house, if you ended up with another male who made it clear that he hated you and a mom who let through that she supports him, AND all this at an age when life is a bit confusing for boys anyway, HOW exactly would you have felt??? Cheerful, happy, smiling, dancing. I think not.

I am hoping by this post you were actually looking for advice (or even hoping that you might have missed something), and not really just a way to skip through the next couple of years. Obviously it's not all your fault, but you need help too. Everyone needs help, it can be fixed. But the same way as you are hoping this poor little boy should change, so should you. Don't kid yourself that you're perfect.

Oh, and stop threatening to leave. You're childish by doing that, and if you cared for your wife as you say you do (after having made it clear you didn't for her son), you wouldn't put her in this position.

I should really go, but this is heart breaking. And I feel the most sympathy for the poor boy, even though I can understand that it is hard on you too. It's not his fault though, so don't punish him for other people's mistakes. Diva, you are all he has at this stage. Stand up and be the parent he deserves to have. He's just a child.

Can I just ask what you meant by this post before I go to bed:

"I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him."

Please would you reassure me that you are not violent to him.

There's alot of very good advice here. You should both read it and talk. You do really need to remember that a child this age is unable to think of anyone but themselves, this does not sometimes kick in until the teenage years. This is nothing to worry about. I would worry however about some of the things that you have written about this child. As you have said, he's violent and seeks attention, when you tell of what's happened to him and his mother in the past this doesn't come as a surprise. There is a relationship between the development of a boy and what is happening around him so he can't be blamed, he just needs support and guidance in a way that he connects with and I truly hope you find that.
Brutal honesty with a child this age is never a good idea. There are things I seriously disagree with an adult telling a child, they are stupid, useless, unwanted, fat, hated are all remembered and they can damage a child's self esteem and spirit in a way that takes often many years for that child to recover from. It sounds to me that you are completly unaware of the distress that this child is going through. I understand that the rest of the family is suffering because of the way he is behaving but you need to realise that he is behaving this way because of the way he feels. He's only 11 and not able to express any anger, sadness or frustration that he has kept built up inside. Your son won't be behaving the same way as your daughter because boys are alot different to girls. Boys cherish their mothers. I've worked with a child who has witnessed domestic violence and even though he was only 5, he felt that it was his duty to protect his mother because of the bond that they had. He witnessed his father hit her and the guilt because he couldn't stop him overwhelmed him.
As for the whinging and moaning, they all do this I'm afraid. His hormones will be running havoc.

Be patient with him, get the help that the whole family needs, it's not just about him. The play therapy should help and they should point you in the right direction of where you should all turn next. Relate would also help because the line of communication are well and truly down here.

DON'T tell him you hate him or he's not wanted. There's never an excuse for this, even in anger or to try to make him understand the consequences of his actions. He could do with a mentor outside the home, a sports coach or a male teacher for example. Sport will also calm him down. It's good for boys as it teaches them discipline whilst removing the pent up energy.

I truly hope that it all works out for you all. Asking for help is a very brave thing for you to do. You should be proud of that.

Barnardo's www.barnardos.org.uk/what_we_do/work_with_families/domestic_violence.htm I know you said you didn't want family counselling but it is very important for you to go forwards. These are very good.

Divastrop, this man is abusing your child. Get help now.

Toy I actually admire you for coming on here to talk about this and for being honest.

I have a similar situation going on. My dh doesn't care enough to even try and talk about it It is probably the main reason why we don't live together and have a long distance marriage.

If my dh had been committed to my ds1 (nearly 17 now) I would have been so gratefull and done anything for him, as it is I can not be totally committed to my dh because I feel he made me choose and I chose ds1.

You have taken on alot for Diva because understandably she is an amazing woman and she is worth it. It is a huge challenge for you.

You have so much power in this situation.

Love is not just a feeling, it is an action.

If you can spend the next 7 years loving your stepson (you don't have to like him) it would be a MASSIVE achievement.

I certainly know that when I need to be loved I become obnoxious and unloveable.

It's ironic that the more unloveable a person becomes the more love they need but no one feels like giving that love

My dd is the one that challenges me and I find that if she is getting alot of hugs, her behaviour settles down like magic.

I know you don't feel like hugging your stepson but deciding not to give up on him, no matter what, would be so brilliant.

Imagine what an amazing family you will be if you can find a way to get through this and turn it around?