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Step-parenting

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Original poster

sted dad advice needed regarding step son

216 replies

toy23 · 14/08/2008 18:24

Me and my wife have been toghether for about 3 years now been married one year. We have 3 children toghether ages 18 months 2 and half years and 5 years (5 year old is in middle of me getting adoption).My wife has 2 children aged 10 and half and 9. I get on great with step daughter look at her as one of my own, but the step son is another story.

Basicly i dont like him at all he is nearly 11 years old yet acts like 2 year old he speaks to me and wife like shit.If he dont get his own way he winges like mad its perfetic he has been violent towards his oldest sister and the 5 year old in past.I have tryed to talk with him spending time with him but as long as he gets his own way he doesent care at all

It has now got to the point ware i hate him pure hate him i wont speak to him unless exstreamly nessasary. I hate it when we go out as faimly when he is thare.It makes me feel sick when he talks to the little ones to the as i dont whant them growing up to be like him and acting like him.

I have never hit him but came close once when the 18 month old was in hospital at 9 months my wife was staying at the hospital with her came home to get some stuff and when she said she was going back to hospital he starts winging. I lost it the baby could have died and all he cared about was getting his own way.

I know things cant continue the way they are, i wake up every morning wondering if he going to hit one of little ones or even my wife due to his violent tendancs. Knowing if he did god couldent help him.

Me and wife have had him to see doctors about his behavioure but they ruled out everything.I dont know what to do anymore its causing problems between me and wife and thare is always tenshion in the house.

Any advice would be aprishiated

p.s: sorry about spelling grammer

OP posts:
fizzbuzz · 14/08/2008 21:39

Still not very long.........stepfamilies take a lot of time...5-10 years.

traceybath · 14/08/2008 21:40

I personally would be taking my son to see the gp/having meetings with teachers and trying to arrange some sort of counselling for him.

If he saw violence from your ex this will have had a profound effect on him and you need to stop the cycle so he doesn't act like that himself.

10weeks · 14/08/2008 21:57

So he's already had 2 father figures that have given up on him, or so it seems to him.

So he is going to push and push until you go as well because you having actually gone is better in his eyes than the FEAR that you will leave. He can't cope with that fear.

Play therapy sounds an excellent idea

Original poster
toy23 · 14/08/2008 22:06

10 weeks i gave him chance after chance i have given up on him yes im just looking for a way to get past the next 7 and half years.Without having to leave my wife and children.But its looking more and more like thats not going to happen and going to have to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
toy23 · 14/08/2008 22:08

fizzbuzz we have been living together about 2 and half years btw.

OP posts:
Cathpot · 14/08/2008 22:08

My internet died wiping out a huge post so I will be brief this time..
Divastrop on the positive side, from what you have said here that his behaviour while difficult and no doubt very hard to live with is completely within the bounds of ?normal? acting up, particularly for a boy of his age in his position. I can not see any reason why he would not respond to the normal methods of addressing bad behaviour- ie don?t rise to him, don?t give him attention for bad behaviour, praise good behaviour, make rewards and sanctions clear and consistent. I am sure you know all this. It wont work however unless both you and your husband are on the same page and work together. The tricky bit will be rebuilding his emotional trust. Your husband needs to swallow his pride and play the grownup and have a conversation something like ?I get really angry when I see our family threatened and I shouldn?t have said I hated you. We sometimes say things we don?t mean when we are upset. I. AM. SORRY.? It is just not OK for him to have said those things to your child however he feels. This boy needs to feel loved, however difficult that might be to hear at the moment. I am sure this can be sorted out, please don?t give up on him.

themildmanneredjanitor · 14/08/2008 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheProvincialLady · 14/08/2008 22:13

A good start would be to stop feeling so sorry for yourself toy23. If you are prepared to get professional help for your wife and family then there is no need for you to leave your wife and children. If you give up on this child then you are giving up on your wife and other children too.

edam · 14/08/2008 22:14

Diva, I would urge you to get in touch with Refuge, Women's Aid or the domestic violence people at social services. Because the impact of past domestic violence on your son will have been huge, and he needs help to deal with that. Many councils offer specific schemes helping child victims of domestic violence.

He's clearly a very troubled little boy, poor soul. In way - and this is so easy for an outsider to say, I know - it's hardly surprising he has behavioural problems, with everything he, and you, have been through. What he needs now is targetted help that deals with those past experiences and the effect they are having on his life now.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 14/08/2008 22:16

maybe his behavior is as a direct result of being hated by a male role model in his own home?

Maybe his anger is due to knowing thatif he loses it and lashes out "God couldn't help him"?

Maybe he feels like shit and speaks to people like shit because you think of him as shit?

You're the adult. You have to get over yourself, and stop competing with a little boy. Take him out on his own and spend some proper time with him. When you married your wife, you married her kids. Both of them.

10weeks · 14/08/2008 22:16

But it will only get better when he knows that nothing will make you leave because you want to be with him. This could take years and may never be perfect. It's not really about 'chances' If you say to him 'I hate it you if you carry on like this' he WILL carry on for the reasons I stated before.

He needs consequences for bad behaviour but never things like 'I will leave you' etc.

The trouble is, his behaviour will not improve the minute you walk out the door either. Are you prepared to leave your wife to deal with it all on her own? Presumably the younger children will stay with her and still see everything that goes on now?

fizzbuzz · 14/08/2008 22:18

What's he ike at school?

I think he sounds like he needs lots of love and hugs to rebuild him.

He might get better over the next 7 years not worse.You might knit together as a family more.

jammi · 14/08/2008 22:20

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Message withdrawn

hester · 14/08/2008 22:21

This thread is so, so sad. Please, divastrop, get some professional help with this. I don't know why you don't think family therapy is a good idea, but ask for help from SOMEONE.

hester · 14/08/2008 22:21

Just to add to that, I know you're waiting for play therapy, but I think you also need some kind of intervention for the whole family. This problem cannot be 'fixed' by focussing on your son alone - you and your dh have to be part of the solution.

controlfreakyagain · 14/08/2008 22:24

what a terrible situation for your ds diva. i'm sure it's hard for all of you if things have got to the stage of your dh telling him he hates him. i dont understand from toy's posts quite what it is ds has done that is so very awful / abnormal?? what has he done to deserve being so rejected? do you agree with dh's "assessment" of his behaviour? poor poor child. stand back a minute and imagine how it would feel to be him.

give him childline's number. 0800 1111

jammi · 14/08/2008 22:25

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Message withdrawn

ThatBigGermanPrison · 14/08/2008 22:27

Have read thread.

does this little boy have grandparents who would be willing to give him the time and attention he clearly needs and all children deserve? I think if he does, then now would be a good time to send him there, and let them heal him from the damage Toy (your husband) is inflicting.

Telling 10 year old little boys you hate them is abuse. I'm not dramatising, I am not making it up, it is abuse.

read some of this

If you cannot provide an appropriate level of love for your child, it is time to involve people who can.

Divastrop - please, please don't allow this overgrown child to ruin your son's life. A ood father doesn't allow his children to see their sibling being abused in this way - if he was a good father to his children, he would step up to the post and be a good father to all of them.

edam · 14/08/2008 22:29

Frankly I think you'd have to be a fairly saintly 10yo NOT to be resentful of siblings who are so clearly preferred to you. How on earth can he have a normal relationship when he is demonised and made out to be evil?

It is not unknown for one child to be cast as the family scapegoat. My stepmother was that child in her family. Thankfully, somehow, she survived. But the cost in terms of her mental health and the life-long consequences for everyone around her have been huge.

controlfreakyagain · 14/08/2008 22:30

what is the adoption about? dh adopting your child diva or you and dh adopting a child who is neither of yours? what do the other children think about this?

LittleBella · 14/08/2008 22:33

I agree that sending him to play therapy is scapegoating him and pretending that all the problems in the family are all about him.

They're not. They're also about your attitude to him. He's growing up feeling that he's not loved. He's testing the boundaries to find out if that's true, and he's receiving the message loud and clear, that he's alone in the world. In 8 years time, he'll be homeless. Jesus, how frightened and lonely he must be.

The messages you are sending to this child can only be described as emotional abuse. Stop worrying about whether you will physically abuse this child, you've already started to abuse him emotionally. FGS get some family therapy and acknowledge your role in this child's behaviour.

edam · 14/08/2008 22:39

Oh, I really would NOT lose the play therapy. Poor little lad needs some outlet. But agree that the problem here is not one child. It's the whole family. And the way that family treats this child.

controlfreakyagain · 14/08/2008 22:40

diva. i know your a regular and all that....
but the more i think about this the more it makes me v v sad and vv angry. how can you let your ds be treated like this?? he has had no choice about finding himself in this position.... you are his mum and have made choices for him. he is being v badly let down indeed. it is your responsibility to get him any help he needs / to refuse to allow dh to treat him this way and not let him be scapegoated. poor poor boy.

themildmanneredjanitor · 14/08/2008 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quattrocento · 14/08/2008 22:47

"he knows i hate him i dont belive in hiding feelings from any1 child or adult. If my wife disagrees with he being out at 18 i leave its that simple."

I have no words for how sad that post makes me.

My godson has a stepfather who hates him too. The psychological damage that has caused him will almost certainly be with him for the rest of his life. It's not just the emotional abuse from his stepfather that has hurt him, it's the fact of his mother allowing it to happen.

Please if you can BOTH OF YOU put this little boy first. He is a child FGS.

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