Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

Agree entirely.

I thought Jeremy Kyle show wasn’t a thing anymore?

It sounds like she is a teenager and is good at it.

How old are your kids? Have they hit their teens yet?

This could all be sorted out by sitting having a chat. But regardless of what happens there, you definitely have a partner problem.

@BoredZelda8 and nearly 11 xx

So does he not stay at yours in the week now OP? Because he is bribing her to stay at his house, instead of going back to her mums, so presumably he stays at home with her now instead of at yours?

Where did the younger sister used to be during the week?

The daughter isn’t the problem your partner is. It is a massive red flag to have to ‘prove’ anything to him. Equally you think he would accuse you of messaging someone else.

bin him and his poorly patented child off. He is a loser

He stays at mine durn the week if she goes to her mother’s house. It’s the first thing he says. I get to stay at yours and is happy about it. He has to stay at home with her when she’s there. He said to her to go 3 nights a week if she wanted to get the money as he feels he shoulsnr have to pay her the allowance id she spends more nights at her mums.
I spoke to his sister and ultimately he doesn’t want her living there all week but now she does he can get one over on his ex and being a adopted kid he felt like someone finally needed him, as I am so independent in having my own house and finances and because I turned down living with him.

the youngest daughter is with the mum all week. She doesn’t want her sister to move back though. There is talk that the mums black eye came from the eldest daughter

This man is setting you against each other to gratify his ego.
Refusing to deal with his daughter, instead adding fuel to the fire because he enjoys watching you fight each other for for the number one spot.

Your partner is letting her rule the roost because he is a Disney Dad, when he has to have words with her, he will tell her that you have said she did this etc.
He goes to you, tells you how stressed he is, how much harder his life is since she has moved in full time and you feel protective of him and try to sort his problems out.
He deflects his responsibilities and tensions by shutting you down, telling you if you leave him, he will paint you out to intolerant of his kids and to his daughter, he tells her he’s only telling her off because you’ve ran to him to get her into trouble.
He’s trying to look like the good guy to her.
He's throwing you under the bus.
Threatening to smear your name if you walk away.
Let him deal with her, on his own, whilst you stay in your house on the weekends in peace. You won’t have to deal with her disrespectful attitude and messages, whilst he backs her and you end up looking like the troublemaker.
Just tell him you’re taking a step back, that you are not going to accept being treated like that, he might be able to ignore it but you won’t.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork

So what do you want? It's obvious that you already know that he puts his children before you. I agree with this. I would always put my children first. BUT, the caveat is that everyone in a house needs to be respectful of all others in the house. But he's not enforcing that. And his 'show me the proof' is more than I'd tolerate. If you can't take me at my word, then I don't want to be in your life. I'm not going to spend my life having to 'prove' myself.

He's not going to change. And neither is she. Is this really what you want to deal with for possibly the rest of your life? Because it probably isn't going to change when she's an adult.

Personally, I'd end things. 'Problem stepchildren' is one of the reasons why 'back in the day' I never dated men with children.

But if you don't want to do that your only option is to not be at his when she is or to pack up and leave if she starts 'acting up'. Because this is a war you'll never win.

If you move in with this man or marry him you'll sup sorrow from a long spoon, and that's a certainty.

So what if she "wins".

Why would you want to win the side of a partner who can't trust you or enforce boundaries to protect the peace in the house?

You say it's been this way for 5 years... don't waste 5 more. This is a household rife with triangulation and he might be a shit dad but shit dad's should still choose their children.

Well you shouldn't because it isn't true.

He said to her to go 3 nights a week if she wanted to get the money as he feels he shoulsnr have to pay her the allowance id she spends more nights at her mums.

I can't get my head around this, giving her allowance should not be dependent on where she is, he is basically blackmailing her not go to her mums.. it's not right OP, why you think this is normal I don't know! Same reason you think having to supply proof that you aren't messaging other blokes behind his back is normal I suppose.

We aren't talking about child maintenance to the mum here are we, which would very much depend on where she is living, we are talking about her allowance/pocket money that he is holding hostage?

On a separate note, the younger daughter NEVER gets any one on one time with her dad, because you are there with your two children the only time she is with him, and the same for your children, do you only have them at the weekends, so never get one on one time with you?

If he is with you all week, why do you even need to spend all weekend together and encroach on each others family time anyway?

Speaking as one that's been through this. You can't win. He's not strong enough to manage her behaviour.

Do yourself and your boys a favour and just stay away from his house. He can come to yours without her. Or do yourself a bigger favour and find a man without a problem child.

Sorry but if you want to continue the relationships I would be refusing to stay if she is there, and in this case as soon as it was obvious she was there me and the kids would have gone home

just don’t stay there anymore, he can come to your house

although the relationship sounds like hard work so not sure I would continue it and stuff him saying you left because of the kids, if asked I would say it is because of the behaviour of xx and he won’t discipline her

Really, I'd just tell people if they ask that he has no boundaries with his daughter and she's a spoiled brat.

Hell would freeze over before I would tippy-toe around until 11 a.m. because Princess Maleficent was sleeping.

Why would you want to stay?

Your boyfriend requires “proof”?? wtf is up with that?? He sounds utterly awful. His daughter sounds utterly awful.

What is the point in sharing direct transcripts of private text messages that a child has sent you on a public forum when you clearly have the much bigger problem of a very toxixlc relationship. Life is way too short. Just dump the pair of them and be happy

And who the fuck cares what he tells people about why you left?! He can tell people it's because you have a 3rd nipple if he wants you'll still surely be 100% happier without him.

He’s loving it, you’re both fighting over him and he gets none of the blame, he looks like the good guy. He only has her there to get one over his ex and bribes her to stay with him. He is bloody toxic,

He keeps saying if I leave though he will tell everyone it’s because he has kids. When that’s not the reason

So you will stay in an unhappy disrespectful relationship because he is blackmailing you?

Yeah I think it’s weird to record her noise for proof. Sort of thing my 9 year old would do. ‘See see! I told you she was loud! I have proof! Told you told you!

She’s his daughter, doesn’t she have more right to be there than you? I couldn’t be arsed with this drama. Like she said I’d just go back to your own house and not get involved with this Grange Hill shit.

Who cares about winning. You're not a child but she is. It's usually children that care about winning and getting one over on someone and one upmanship.

You're not doing yourself any favours in engaging with this.

Just say “I’m ending this talk now" and go back to your own house. She is absolutely right if you try and win her dad will choose her.She's his daughter

He sounds like a piece of work, and she sounds like a spoilt, little brat, who is barely literate. Just leave them to it. He isn't a prize to win.He sounds dreadful

You have no say in how he brings his kids up, it’s not a game to win or lose against his daughter. He wants you and his DD to fight for him, he is toxic. Live your life with your boys in peace and leave him.

But, what exactly are you missing if you aren't with him? Having to tippy-toe around while the one SD sleeps in until 11 a.m.? No respect from her? You DSes learning how to get their way whenever they want from an obvious pro?

WHAT is this man bringing to the table? Money? Convenience?
He has to have "proof," he tells YOU to reply to his daughter civically, he bribes her with money and seems to feel she can do no wrong. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't even seem to respect you, let alone really love you. He has more red flags waving than a Communist parade.

What does HIS house have that yours lacks? Honestly, I'm just mind-boggled that you feel that if you break up with this milquetoast that his DD will "win". LET HER! Because, in the end, it will be you and your boys that will truly "win".

So, when she messages you for help, don't help her. Tell her you are too busy doing things with your boys, cleaning the toilet, making dinner, whatever.

If you all respond like servants to her beck and call, no wonder she feels like she rules the roost.

Still scratching my head trying to figure out what you get out of the relationship because your DP sounds as whiney/demanding/controlling as his daughter.

"She is getting everything she wants" and he's setting her up for failure isn't he? World doesn't work that way.

They both sound awful. Who asks their own gf for video proof? Who cares what he says to other people? Who let's their child become such a brat?

Leave and live a quiet life without little miss drama and her silly father.