Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

@DrowningInSyrupi have never said this to her and have never treated her in anyway different to her sister or my kids. They are all treated the same, it’s me she rings to taxi her around, sort her parcels etc.

yes we had a good life because we had weekends with them but duen the week he would stay at mine and be happy. So last week he admitted is the best week he has had in ages, because she was at her mums and we got to spend time together and things. We could do weekends away without having to pay bribery to get the daughter to go. We xould meet him on his lunch break in the next town along and go for food without being whinged at for spending lunch together. She is invited but never wants to and my kids are theee anyways

Just leave. Go back to your own house and leave them to it. Permanently. Honestly you all sound as childish as each other. Who cares what he tells people or who backs down or whatever. Life is too short for this shit.

You realise that everything you’ve said about this man makes him sound like a total waste of space, yes? He’s an arsehole. Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? For the pleasure of dating a orifice?

You were out of order videoing her and her friends - if you have to 'prove' to your boyfriend why you slept downstairs, he's a prick 🙄 if he accuses you of messaging people (other men I presume) I'd dump him anyway for this.

It sounds like the problem here is your boyfriend not parenting his daughter. Just don't stay at his and let him get on with it.

@Loadsapandas
my parents split, I lived with mg dad so I know what games she is playing as I tried but never got away with it and I learnt so much from living with my dad, budgetingc getting a job etc. I got cheated on by my kids dad. And me and this guy now both worked together he was cheated on so we both have that respect that we wouldn’t cheat on the other person. He got me through lock down, he has helped me raise my kids more than their own dad, my youngest was 2 at the time he came into their lives. He has been the constant, he helps me out because myum
struggles and my dad hasn’t get retired from the fire brigade, if I don’t have him. I have nothing. No friends or anyone to go out with when the kids are at their dads. No one to go on weekends away with without kids, no one to call when I need help or when I struggling, he was adopted and has no family so apart form his kids I am all he has so I was always the one he came home
to every night ubtol The daughter moved in x

This is all so inappropriate.

Is she a minor? Because if so I would absolutely not be recording her or someone else child in a house you aren't a resident in.

I also wouldn't be speaking to her over text nor would I then post those same texts online.

The whole situation seems extremely disregulated including both the adults in it.

This! The 'he'll tell everyone I left because he has kids' doesn't make sense anyway, because so do you! Plus, you're really overestimating how much other people care about why these things happen. Couples split up all the time.

I can't see one good point about this relationship. Take the power back and, instead of asking him to choose between you and his daughter, YOU choose yourself and walk away. Put yourself and your own kids above this.

Think about it.

Would you like your dad's girlfriend who made him punish you by taking your phone away? Of course she doesn't like you.

You're focused on her winning of you end the relationship.. that's not the way to go. You're not in competition with her.

The fact that her dad was okay with the message she sent you is telling. It was rude and he didn't challenge her. Never mind that he needs proof of what your say... so it seems like you're often reporting her for something and he doesn't believe you.

I'd suggest reflecting and be honest...from her perspective, why would she want you around?

You come with 2 younger kids. She has to share her dad with you a bit..
There's no benefit in this for her.. and even though you don't live there... you're often telling on her to her dad.

This isn't healthy at all.

@supersonicginandtonicshw is also like it without her friends staying, she will be on FaceTime until 3aM screaming. I am not allowed to tell her what to do apparently. And she won’t listen either. He was passed out to the world shattered.

She sounds delightful.

Yeah and this whole message supports what I said.

You aren't a emotionally healthy regulated adult.

This is not an emotionally healthy balanced relationship. The level of co dependency you have displayed in that posts is through the roof.

Stop focusing on him. Spend your time in therapy build interests and a social circle outside of this.

Never mind her, consider the example you are setting to your own children living this way.

@Whatadoi didn’t film her face. It filmed the ceiling I was in the lounge and filmed the noise

She's a kid - you don't have to answer to her! I could not be doing with that at all.

@Whatado agreed.

but I’d also add the OP seems to see no wrong at all in her DP?

im not seeing much sympathy for a child with 2 apparently absent parents

@SandyY2Kits not telling. But he will ask what did she talk to me about or what did she say about a scenario. So I will say she said this happened xyz and then she will deny it and he will believe her, the same as one day I walked in and she was using a plastic colander to scoop eggs of pan of oil on a gas stove top. I spoke to her about it and she denied doing it and I then explained it to him as it’s his house, she was left unattended as he was at work and I went to xolllexr something and she nearly caused a house fire and hurt herself ao I had to tell him. Apart from that I don’t tell on her as I cba with it. He asked for my opinion on dealing with a scenario as th mum said take away the phone and I said yes I agree. He asks for my opinion and then when I give it the daughter doesn’t like
ir so I have refrained from saying it.

je said her message was not very nice but he doesn’t have the patience to deal with it so we should discuss issues between ourselves and not involve bim
x

So what. Do you honestly think that's any better, in this day and age. Imagine the teen who was sleeping over goes home and tell there parents the girlfriend of the man's house it was, was video recording them during the night then caused merry hell the next day.

Its weird as fck and not how most normal adults would deal with the situation. They either tell them to be quite or wake him up to do it.

You don't want her there. She knows you dont and doesn't want you there either. He isnt a particularly good parent or partner and you are dragging your own two children into this mess, because you dont want to be alone.

I couldn't agree more with what you've said. The OPs history is a clear indication of why she's in this unhealthy relationship.

Have you considered that instead of spending all this time competing with a 14 year old you could instead invest in finding some healthy relationships and some therapy.

It's extremely strange and immature to consider staying in a relationship mainly because the other person might tell people you broke up for a different reason than you did. Of course you'll tell your friends your version and he'll tell his friends his that's what always happens, but you'll know longer know or care what his friends and family think?!

What on earth is this relationship! You need evidence of why you move about or you're accused of cheating?! This gets more and more toxic and unhealthy

This. Just leave them too or - sounds like hard work. You deserve better

I agree. Are these the people you want to spend all
Your future holidays and Christmas with, I don't think so

@Unexpectedlysinglemumi think because he was cheated on before he’s over cautious.l and worried if it looks being secretive..
he has no friends and no family except a sister really and she has seen Everything and kknows everything x

The biggest problem isn't his DD or her response. The biggest problem is that ur partner doesn't take your concerns seriously to an extent that you have resorted to filming evidence. He doesn't trust you, respect or care really. Fuck that.
The second biggest problem is that he didn't discuss this as a family. He can approach his daughter first but ultimately should have brought you two together to discuss it as a family and try and resolve it.

Her reaction is not great but I would want a (prospective?) step parent filming me either even if not my face. I would feel that my privacy is invaded. I would wonder if you record my discussions, snoop around my stuff etc. It doesn't matter whether that's done or not but that how recording something like this would make me feel like (in a house that's supposed to be my safe place).

Ultimately, the relationship is not great. The red flags across it means run for the hills! (And it's not SD putting that red flags up)

But even if his daughter was as sweet as pie, the fact he accuses you of texting other men for no reason whatsoever is hugely problematic