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Original poster

Messages from step child

669 replies

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 29/06/2025 22:53

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

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Weetabix11 · 30/06/2025 01:25

Am I the only one who thinks OPs behaviour is so weird??

A teenager goes down to the kitchen in her own house, and OP finds it annoying. Goes on to record a video of it. That's such weird behaviour.

And OP, you keep saying you can't leave because "but then she gets everything she wants*. Her parents have split up for God's sake. She's going through a hard time. And you are asking her father to abandon her at this time (by asking him to choose between her and you). What a shame!

Also, feels like you have omitted a fair bit of the back story (if you've reached the point of asking your boyfriend to choose between you and his daughter). The child's message on its own sounds very rude, but maybe with the full context it wouldn't

materialgworl · 30/06/2025 01:26

“then she wins” is a weird statement to make.

stay in your own home with your kids and really only go there without them.

HallidayJones6779 · 30/06/2025 01:28

@Stepchildrenarehardwork - not sure why you're getting such a hard time. If I were you, though, I'd take myself and my children out of the picture. It isn't fair on your or your children. Your DP and SD have some issues they need to work through by the sounds of it.

Chickensky · 30/06/2025 01:29

Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason

This is so wrong on so many levels. You are recording your and family interactions "for proof".

You also mention "being accused sleeping someone?!".

I have to go to bed now but this is very wrong in so many levels and I suspect it is not a daughter or step-mother issue.

CakeBlanchett · 30/06/2025 01:31

OP, she’s a horrible, spoilt brat. But the bigger problem is him needing ‘proof’ because he suspects you’re downstairs messaging other men. None of this is normal. Leave him. And if he tries to tell people it’s because he has kids, you’re perfectly entitled to tell the truth: that he’s extremely controlling, mistrustful, and refuses to set any boundaries with his daughter. You’re being treated badly, and you and your sons deserve better.

Weetabix11 · 30/06/2025 01:39

Ah ok. This explains it. You behaved poorly with your dad/his gf when you were a teenager, so you just assume she's doing the same thing to you.

All this talk of "playing games", "but then she wins", "but then I'll loose" sounds like two teenagers fighting over a boy. But it isn't - it's a grown woman fighting with a teenage girl so her Dad will pick her his own daughter

JustASmallBear · 30/06/2025 01:46

OP, you seem completely blind to the toxic situation your partner has manufactured in your life, and so completely fixated on something that isn't even the real problem.

You recorded his daughter because you knew he would require proof of what you were saying.

He tells you if you leave he'll say it's because you didn't want a man with children.

He accuses you of texting/seeing/sleeping with other men

He blackmails his daughter into staying, by telling her if she doesn't he won't give her an allowance. And he only wants her because it pisses off her mother.

What can anyone say to this situation that would help you see it for what it is?

Fantailsflitting · 30/06/2025 01:54

You are not her stepmother - you're her dad's girlfriend. It should be up to her father to make her behave which he apparently has little interest in doing but plenty of interest in dragging you into the fray. Meanwhile his first assumption is that if you are sleeping on the sofa you are messaging other men and that you must provide "proof" of his daughter's wrongdoing with a time stamped video is very strange indeed. Doesn't this seem really peculiar to you? Apart from the fact that she has been suspended from school and appears near illiterate, I'd be doing my absolute best to get your sons away from this awful example - a girl who apparently gave her own mother a black eye. It's not a matter of winning, This girl is very unlikely to have a successful life. I'd be going home to my own place after ending it with him. Who cares if he says you ended it because he has kids? I mean, frankly, anybody who knows his daughter probably wouldn't blame you one little bit.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/06/2025 01:55

He’s actually told his DD that if she stays at his an extra night he’ll stop her allowance? Why do you even want to be with such a poor excuse of a man? He sounds horrible .

JustASmallBear · 30/06/2025 02:03

so if he has gone back and said to her Sophie said it’s you or her. As he is good at doing that and making out like he doesn’t stir the pot between us as it’s happened before

He is an awful example of a human being. After your previous unsuccesful relationships, what on earth made you decide he was the one?

hhtddbkoygv · 30/06/2025 02:03

Your partner is abusive and not only do you let your kids around him you bring them to his house every weekend they're with you? So they don't actuslly get quality time with their mother either.

Uol2022 · 30/06/2025 02:29

I would be absolutely furious if a guest in my home filmed me without my knowledge and then showed that to others in the household with complaints about me. I would certainly not have that guest to stay again. She is a child so very many things are out of her control. It must feel awful.

Uol2022 · 30/06/2025 02:34

Your partner’s behaviour displays many red flags but so does yours. The daughter is behaving horribly but that’s what happens when teenagers feel out of control and unwanted and aren’t parented properly. You can’t help her, clearly your being around is making the situation worse. So yes, let her win and stop going to their house.

You said you’d be lonely and have no one to spend time with if you didn’t have your partner. so find some friends, find some people who are more stable and supportive than him and who create less drama.

Francestein · 30/06/2025 03:20

I think you need to accept that the problem isn’t the kid but the bloke. (The kid is reflective of his issues)… You said that if you were to sleep downstairs he’d be accusing you of messaging other blokes. He’s insecure and controlling. He tells your kids what to do but not his own. He won’t let you parent his kids, but expects to parent yours. He’s a hypocrite. You need clear boundaries:- You don’t stay in each other’s places when the kids are around - ever.
Honestly, he sounds entitled and soggy AF. He’s allowing you to be the nanny and the scapegoat and frankly, I don’t know why you’re not resentful af. You’re blaming the child for HIS shit parenting.
Also, block his children’s phone numbers. They are his issues, not yours.

321user123 · 30/06/2025 03:24

OP your kids are 8?! Of course they’re fast asleep before midnight.
when I used to have sleepovers 13-16yo we would be awake at least till 3am, it was… expected.

On the other hand, you don’t want to accept it, but you have a DP problem, NOT a SD problem!

some of the red flags:

  • you need evidence
  • DP doesn’t trust you
  • DP accuses you of “cheating”
  • DP allows his daughter to rule the house
  • DP doesn’t discipline his daughter
  • DP tells YOU to confront SD
  • SD dares to talk to you in the manner above
  • SD displays manipulative behaviour
the problem is not her! It’s him, she’s a child!
MeTooOverHere · 30/06/2025 03:49

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 29/06/2025 22:53

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

Your own home is quiet and peaceful. I'd be there, bugger what he and his crotchfruit want. He's no catch.

Purplerubberducky · 30/06/2025 03:50

It’s really weird that you recorded her and her friends. Him asking for proof of why you slept downstairs and accusing you of things is weird/ abusive and you should not have shared that with his daughter.

She still shouldn’t be speaking to you like that and needs to learn better grammar before she has any more sleepovers.
The whole thing is weird and immature. I wouldn’t want to be a part of it. Get rid and move on.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 30/06/2025 04:04

You are both red flags.

And I’m not sure why you keep using his adoption as a reason for his poor behaviour.

You have basically said you are together because neither of you have anyone else.

Your kids need you to make decisions based on what’s best for them not based on your loneliness’s.

YankSplaining · 30/06/2025 04:04

OP, you’ve returned a couple times to, “he’s like this because he’s adopted.” That might be an explanation, but it’s not an excuse.

The fact that he has some good qualities - likes spending time with you, helped you through the pandemic - doesn’t outweigh his toxic behavior. Would you be happy for any woman you know to be in a relationship that looks like this one? It’s not normal for him to be demanding to see “proof” of things you tell him. It’s not normal for him to be giving his daughter pocket money based on how many nights she spends at his house.

This situation sounds like it would be stressful for your sons. How much time do they have to spend fun, relaxing time with just you?

Brownthosebrownonionsbrown · 30/06/2025 04:07

@Stepchildrenarehardwork

Why bother?

PopeJoan2 · 30/06/2025 04:12

I think your reply makes you sound as childish and difficult as she is. You were the only one bothered by the noise. She has a point about how you can go to your own home.

daisychain01 · 30/06/2025 04:46

Sounds like your DC aren't his.

great. On that basis, I'd get the hell out of his life. Leave him to sort out his DD, not your circus not your monkeys.

BoPeepGreenSheep · 30/06/2025 04:56

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 29/06/2025 23:09

@yestothati wanted to be honest as to why u filmed the noise: the video showed the ceiling in the lounge. I am not going to lie to her as he will tell her anyways. He would accuse me of sleeping downstairs as I was messaging someone else or whatever. But also because I couldn’t say ‘well your dad always believes you so u have to have proof’ xx

He would accuse you of messaging someone else? Massive red flag. This is worryingly controlling and a much bigger problem than all the stepdaughter drama. You are focussing on the things around the edges rather than the main issue

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 30/06/2025 05:29

Stepchildrenarehardwork · 29/06/2025 23:07

@Needtosoundoffandbreatheimagw of the message is under review x

I don't need to see the image of her message to know this isn't on. Please have some self-respect. You're in a relationship with a man who sounds like an ineffectual parent and is a bully to you - needing proof and telling people you left because he has kids? No, you left because he treated you like shit. And I think you should leave because this is no way to live with his nasty teenage daughter calling the shots and not getting pulled up on it. She is only doing it because she knows he will back her up. Take yourself home and don't go back would be my advice.