Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

She’s being raised by a man who, while in sole charge of her, is drunk and high smoking weed according to OP on another thread.

Once you’re aware of that, I think it would be very unfair to dismiss her as a ‘brat’ without considering that she is a product of her environment, one which is chaotic and includes a father who is emotionally abusing his partner.

It makes perfect sense she’s acting out, she’s being let down by all the adults in her life. Including her alcoholic, drug using father.

You should want to leave his house because his and yours relationship is an absolute shitshow for you and his daughter . As you have posted on here . And can't be good for your boys to witness
Relationships aren't competitions . Especially between adults and children .

Is this really you living your best life ? No friends , no one other than him to spend free time with ? That is neither desirable or healthy .

Others have suggested he visits you at your house if you still desire to continue having your wants and needs serviced by this spineless ghastly creature who sees child support as a personal allowance he can gift to his daughter which he can cease paying anytime he feels like it . Personally that would be a huge turn -off for me as would.the unequal financial contributions to leisure activities together .

Please consider raising your standards and learn to not be dependant in anyway on such a wastral caricature of a deadbeat dad, ex husband and boyfriend. He's not a partner to you, by the way . His behaviour should tell you that .

Oh, OP, stop competing with a child. She is not the problem, he is. He is a shit father and a shit partner. Lift your head and walk away while you still have some dignity left. This is not a good situation for your children either and it sets a terrible example for them.

She’s being raised by a man who, while in sole charge of her, is drunk and high smoking weed according to OP on another thread.

Poor kid!

She can't change the fact that he's her dad but wtf Op sees in him is baffling!

@TaupeRavennkt at all, he has tried his best but simply cannot care for me like he did anymore due to her moving in, it’s not fair he claims from the guverbment when he isn’t nt carer yrs better to go to someone who is x

🙄🙄🙄🙄

What?

@FeralWoman he is a chef so that’s his break; I don’t fully work I am training beautician and do some from home admins but I get pip etc

You said earlier you love your kids more than you love him.

Your decisions don’t reflect that.

And your children will remember that.

Remember you choosing to prioritise a relationship with an abusive, problem drinking, drug user over their welfare.

Its a shame that isn’t enough for you to grow up and put them first but as is evident from your responses you’re determined to ‘win’ by not breaking up with him.

Apt as there are so many losers involved. Your partner is quite literally a loser. And your kids are missing out on a safe and secure environment in which their welfare is prioritised.

And you, the ‘winner’ as you see it if you stay, will continue to be abused by this waste of space who gives you a list of things you can and can’t do and stops you seeing friends and family.

What a prize. Congrats.

You don't work but you make double as much money as him and go away for numerous vacations a year? And now you want to weaponize social services because you aren't getting the attention you used to from him due to his daughter moving in? I can't make sense of this. I really feel sorry for the poor girl.

Why are you with him?

It's her house. OP has no right to tell her off. She's just her dad's gf who is sleeping over.

This is you isn't it @Stepchildrenarehardwork

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5123967-how-to-get-step-daughter-to-move-home?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I thought your story sounded familiar

Wow. Her youngest is autistic which makes it even worse she’s forcing him to live with this chaos and get increasingly attached to someone so unsuitable (problem drinker, drugs, emotionally abusive, coercively controlling)

From her other thread: my kids have always lived with me, his and it was always they stayed two nights a week which worked. My youngest is autistic and he is so thrown and upset because his routine has been disrupted with her moving in, he also has never known life without him in it. My eldest he witnessed the trauma, the peeing everywhere etc when my previous partner have left and he's putting him through this again.

The audacity to say anyone is putting her kids through anything when it’s her doing so by the decisions she’s making.

These poor, poor kids. All of them.

Before I even read any more about this manwimp I thought that daughter is a product of a toxic, misorgynistic man and the environment in which he is raising her. Didnt even realise OP had made another post elsewhere.
Just goes to show how much misorgynistic men destroy in this world.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork - are you going to answer my question - do you realise that, by staying with this man, you are teaching your sons (especially the eldest, who ‘adores’ him) that this is how a man should treat the woman he supposedly loves? That it is normal for a man to isolate his partner from her friends, control her, and suspect her of infidelity just because she’s downstairs in the couch?

Do you want your sons to grow up to be like this man? I hope the answer is a resounding No, because they deserve better.

There it is! I knew that thread was somewhere.

OP, you’re pathetically competing with a child. Your jealousy is dripping off every thread you've started here. It’s disgusting.

You basically want this man to have the bare minimum contact with his children so that he can pay you and your children more attention… what kind of woman and mother gets in between a father and his daughter. Your behaviour is vile, your jealousy is sick and I feel so sorry for this girl having to be in your presence.

And her texts to you were totally warranted. She was having a sleepover in HER house… not yours. Everyone else was asleep, you’re the only one causing an issue. If you didn’t like it, why didn’t you just piss off home. If I had some jealous, meddling, pathetic woman staying in my house all the time with 2 unrelated boys and she started recording me talking/laughing/whatever in my own home I would honestly have said a lot worse and shoved your phone where the sun doesn’t shine. How very dare you bully this girl in her own home.

Pathetic, absolutely pathetic. I hope this girl is rid of you as soon as humanly possible.

Totally spot on

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius sorry have been and sports clubs with the kids.

no I don’t want my children to ever treat women badly, I hide a awful lot of what happens from them. but I have said to him this is over, until he can teach her some respect and himself some respect towards people and u til he can sort out his parenting and get her back onto a even keel,
he decided to turn up to where we go for lunch Mondays, unfortunately I need to break the cycle of this with my kids but my youngest takes a while to change routines.

he has now proceeded to turn up in my doorstep to stay tonight as the eldest daughter hasn’t turned up home and is ignoring all his messages 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have said to him i dont think this is wise because for now we have to be over until he can sort out himself and his child

So you haven’t told him that the reason you’re ending the relationship is any of the following:

He stops you seeing friends and family

He has given you a list of things you are / aren’t allowed to do

He drinks and takes drugs while in sole charge of his children

None of that, despite you having children you should be prioritising, made you split up with him. None of those things were big enough red flags despite your children.

You’ve positioned it as being all down to his daughter and her behaviour.

Good grief.

Put your kids first from now on. You won’t though, he’ll say he’s got things under control, you’ll get back together and it’ll just all continue.

And the poor kids involved will repeat the cycle.

@anytipswelcome
drinkinf and weed is upto him I cannot control him with that. That’s his personal choice.

For now I have said he needs to focus on his daughter which is the right thing to do, and I did state above he needs to learn some respect too so that includes everyrbinf in how he has been, respect and not control,

It’s done, it’s over, if he can sort himself and the rest of the stuff out maybe we can start at the beginning and date again. But I would need to see a lot of changes. Xx

byt the fact she hasn’t appeared home and is ignoring him and he’s doing nothing but turn up here doesn’t feel me with too much hope. Maybe he did really tell her off yesterday xx

You're right, you cant control his choice to use alcohol and drugs. But you can control your own actions and keep yourself and your children away from that environment.
I think you've done the right thing to walk away

drinkinf and weed is upto him I cannot control him with that. That’s his personal choice.

and being in a relationship with him is (or was, but I somehow doubt it) YOUR personal choice.