Messages from step child

[Stepchildrenarehardwork]

So for context. SD was suspended from school, my partner allowed her a sleepover last night. We were staying at his house. I wouldn’t have stayed if I had known.
last night 2am I ended up on the sofa as they were so bloody loud. 5am I heard almighty banging and 5.45am she was in the kitchen banging aroud making food and having no respect. Yet we all have to respect that she is in bed until 11am and to be completely silent until she wakes up.
he asked why I was asleep on the sofa so I explained and he Asked did I have proof so I had a time stamped video of the noise.
he had a conversation with her tonight.

she then sent me this-

you can delete that video of me u don’t have consent to take videos of me and my friend one it’s weird two u had no need too and i don’t care if it “woke you up” you should’ve been in ur room not in the living room and dad was fast asleep so was everyone else so i wasn’t being too noisy either u js want to argue for the sake of it and you have ur own bloody house to go to if u think it’s too loud here next time stay there if u don’t like the noise of it so ur not recording me like a weirdo next time i find out ur recording me ill do the exact same thing to you when you’re moving around in ur own house and see if u like that and next time u have a problem with me talk to me not my dad since he doesn’t want to have u talking to me through him

my reply back-

Unfortunately it was very loud last night, the boys struggled to get to sleep and this was also mentions by them to your dad. I was woken up at 2am and I went downstairs as it was quieter. I heard you banging around in the kitchen at 5.45am and I didn’t speak to you at all this morning about it because your friend was there. Your dad questioned why I was sleeping on the sofa so I explained it was too noisy. Unfortunate your dad always likes everything as proof so I yes I do have all the noise being made so he couldn’t accuse me of staying downstairs for a different reason. We are meant to be a family and respect each other. I always respect you are asleep in the mornings and I am as quiet as possible out of respect, and I am also making sure the boys to do, and on the occasion they did make noise and disturb you they were disciplined and had things taken away. Your dad said this morning he would speak to you so I left it at that. Next time you have a sleepover I would just appreciate that you respect everyone else in the house.

her reply was—

the boys was asleep so idk what ur on ab dad said it didn’t wake him up or jessica and the boys was fast asleep and you always like to cause problems and you’re only saying something nice because you’ve said to dad it has to be me or you and you know full well he’s gna choose his kids over a woman who doesn’t want his kids around. talk to me instead of my dad he has a lot to deal with and has work.

Am I right to feel angry?

Tbh its her house she lives in, you and your boys have your own house and her dad doesn't seem to have a problem with it 🤷‍♀️

Because he has other commitments, why do you have to spend ALL weekend EVERY weekend together when you have evenings with him all to yourself, no wonder the daughter is sick of the sight of you.

Every weekend you are asking him to pick you over his daughter by insisting he spends the time with you and your children, not his own two children, at the very least you are making him share/split his focus and it sounds like his daughter needs consistent caring parenting, not this shit show that you both have going on.

You are blocking him from having a healthy relationship with his daughters because you are always there causing drama and insisting he discipline them, remove their phones, calling them names and ungrateful etc.. they are his kids and you don't even live there!!

You really want this for years to come? Your mental health deserves better. She will ALWAYS come between you and her Father! GTFO!!

Hang on, what have I missed, why would you report to social services?

Your partner is a weak person, who is allowing his daughter to walk all over him. It's his job to parent his children. His daughter is correct, your partner will choose his children over you. Honestly the relationship sounds more trouble than it's worth. I'd end the relationship, stating that you're ending it because he's not prepared to discipline and parent his daughter.

For goodness sake she is a child still. You are the adult. She will always act this way she is rebelling because her dad is sharing his affection with someone else. It doesn't work all this share homes. What the hell has money got to do with it. Love and respect cost Zero but is priceless and it seems that Dad or his daughter don't have it in buckets

Her tone tells it all , she is done with you telling tales to her dad, and your kids are perfect, so you don't get on with her , as an adult after 5 years of being in her and her siblings lives you should of built a bond , the fact she speaks to you in that manner shows mirrored disrespect, you either need to be her friend or stay at your own house if they only stay at weekends that is family time , you either become a family or move on , she will always be his baby same as yours are to you.

…and there it is. There is a lot that doesn’t sit right in this thread 🧵 but the lass who pointed out either DP is as awful as OP said (in which case why stay?) or he isn’t meaning OP part of the problem here.
A SD is not a love rival. It’s not about winning or missing out. Agree BPD or NPD could also be a factor. Counselling for everyone a must whatever the truth. Clearly a lot of dysfunction.
OP openly admits to lying in her response to SD but misses how that is so wrong. Told SD her DC had things taken from them when they were being noisy, which they didn’t to stop her rightly pointing out unfair double standards. Maybe that’s why DP demands proof as OP may have form 🤥 for being an unreliable witness.
Feel extremely sorry for the SD and all the DC involved in this situation. It’s no wonder the girl acting up. Her father’s partner has an ongoing vendetta against her which she seems unable to let go.

He keeps saying if I leave though he will tell everyone it’s because he has kids

Who actually cares?

Most people will be watching on and realise its because he has allowed his kids to behave badly, people Are not stupid

What a mess. You've gone from one dv relationship to another. And all you can focus on is the daughter. Its her dad too.

It's a recording nonetheless.

If he is the type to not believe her, this relationship isn't worth it. Having to record for proof is a red flag that should not be ignored.

0909 this AM OP was sore at DH giving her short-shrift for voice recording the noise:

I am so fed up of not being wanted

0945 OP then decided she might report them to SS so SD can get the help she needs… so it was a knee-jerk quickly in succession to her feeling slighted as she does not have a healthy relationship with the child and evidently does not have her best interests at heart.

Why would you give up family & friends for a man who clearly doesn't trust you?

If it wasn't for this tosspot you could have been spending time with people who actually care about you.

This is the strangest relationship to be in. I’d leave.

Firstly why would he immediately jump to accusing you of being up to no good/messaging other men if you sleep on the sofa? The fact you need “proof” is very controlling.

Why is your partner refusing to deal with his own kids? Why are you in a text argument with a teenager? Why is he forcing you to be in the middle when it’s clear there’s tension? I wouldn’t let anyone speak to me in this way, they both treat you like shit

The whole thing is just weird. I would not get into a messaging battle with a child. Not even my own. Try and have a proper face to face discussion with her if you need to challenge her behaviour? If it's not your child I would leave the parent to deal with it and try to butt out. If the husband/ partner doesn't believe you and demands proof like you are a child I would take huge issue with that, and question whether there was a future in the relationship as that's just bonkers. He should be taking your word for it. You know as an equal in a grown up relationship should?? Oh and delete the recording as it isn't really what you want to do surely is it? As in record people without their consent and just never stay over at their house again and tell the dad why you made that decision.

I agree completely, @skyeisthelimit.

@Stepchildrenarehardwork -THIS is what you are teaching your son about how relationships work. You are teaching him it is OK to control his partner, to stop them seeing friends and family, to be so scared of you that they feel the need to prove they aren’t downstairs messaging other men - in short, you are letting him learn how to be a toxic, controlling, abusive man.

Is this really OK, as long as you are getting some companionship? Really??

Then stay in this terrible relationship and stop moaning.

She sounds awful…..and illiterate. Cheeky little cow.

You are behaving like the child!
You need to wake up, the child should come first and you should not be dragging your kids along for the ride
Grow up, leave the idiot ,he isn't trustworthy anyway, and stop scarring everyone else .
When you have children , there is absolutely no "why me" stuff until they are happy and stable . Give your head a wobble and move on for your little ones sake . You are kidding yourself if you think they aren't aware of all this .
I am a stepmum so have been there and it's a delicate business , if you aren't prepared to understand what's going on with a teenager and a manipulative partner you need to leave.

LTB. You deserve better than this.

Please pick up whatever self respect you still have and leave this toxic relationship. There’s so many red flags.

He’s successfully alienated you from all of your friends so that he’s the only one you have to turn to and talk to. I bet he talks shit about your parents and hates you talking to or seeing them.

What sort of flexible job do you have to be able to spend a two hour lunch break with him every day? How does he have a two hour lunch break? You know it’s not normal having to spend it with him so he knows that you’re not cheating? It’s controlling.

The step daughter is just a distraction here from the messed up power and control this man has over you. She sounds like she’s an apple that hasn’t fallen far from the paternal tree.

Thank goodness you have your own income and own house and no legal ties to him. Get your things from his house and never go back. Your DS will be upset but you’ll be able to help him through that, and he’ll no longer have a toxic controlling man as his role model.

Thought so. There is an absolutely weaponising of safeguarding and social services processes going on at the moment.

Of course if anyone believes a child is genuinely suffering, they should of course report. I had to do it in a personal capacity the other day and was absolutely torn up about it.

There is no way OP genuinely believes social services will "support" her SD. Getting excluded for mild (refusing to wear blazer) to moderate (pushing a teacher once) behaviour issues is not a reason for social services referral and neither is being too loud during a sleepover. The school are obviously already aware of the exclusions by definition. A referral would only be being made to frighten and attempt to control the girl (and presumably her mother). It seems like OP is deeply entrenched in controlling and coercive relationships of all kinds and cannot stand that this girl stood up for her autonomy in her own home (i.e. not wanting to be filmed).

The kid needs extra tutoring to improve her command of written English and you need to ditch your boyfriend if you're expected to 'prove' to him what a gobby little brat his daughter is - he should already know that himself by the sounds of it.

She is not your problem - HE is

Badly behaved SD and a partner that needs proof.

Not good.

And now, it seems, weaponising Carer's Allowance too by advising the DWP that her boyfriend is now no longer caring for her. He doesn't deserve the money if he's not doing it, but it seems the OP was happy to let it fly until she was pissed off and had a point to make