So many problems with SC

[M2p]

I have been a SM for about a year, SS 12 SD 9 yet I feel like this is just getting worse as it goes along.
At first yes it wasn't too bad, meeting them starting to get to know them but as time has gone on I've found myself separating myself from the situation trying to keep busy when their here. So they are very fussy eaters, will never try anything new and if I cook something ive made before that I know they like sometimes they say they don't like it and won't eat. If I don't have dinner done at a certain time all hell breaks loose and it's like I'm starving them to death but they never moan to me about it they go to their dad. They ignore me, even when my P is around, they will ask him questions to ask me. It's even worse when he's not in the house which is a fair bit as he works and he leaves them with me multiple times in the week, i will ask if their hungry and they will just say no all the time, but as soon as my P comes home the first thing they will say is their hungry and haven't ate like I've done it on purpose. Also SD stares at me all the time i can see her out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes she will just stand with her head poking round the door while im doing something it makes me so uncomfortable. These are just the main things there is also little other things that goes on aswell, has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

Why is your partner leaving you to look after his kids?

Have you been living together for a year, or just with your partner for a year?

In your shoes I’d leave the relationship or I’d move out / kick him out depending on whose house it is. You can keep seeing each other but you stop being the unpaid nanny and cook.

@WhatDidIComeInThisRoomForhe says he goes get them so he can see them more yet goes to work and leaves them with me. Weve been together for a few years but living together for a year

Dad is leaving his children to be looked after by his partner rather than looking after them himself. Their real issue is their dad not being there but they're young so they don't see that and they're taking it out on you.

Read the book Stepmonster and perhaps look into NACHO.

I think they feel uncomfortable with you being put in this caring role, which is rightfully their father's role.

It doesn't have to be that way. Hand responsibility back to him and focus on doing your own thing, then slowly building a different, non-parental type relationship with them where you are more like a 'nice auntie'. No responsibility, no discipline, just another friendly/supportive adult in the wider family.

His contact time is for them to see their father so he should be there and not seen you as a substitute, because that is causing resentment.

Aside from that, he does need to teach them basic manners.

@MistyMoistyMorningCloud but even when he is home they don't spend no time together, he will play a couple of games with SD and that's it. I've looked at the NACHO before but I don't think it would work for me as it's like I'm a ghost and like I'm not in the room as they completely ignore me. They have no manners at all either even when they received Christmas presents they had to be reminded to say thank you

Just cut your losses. This isn't a decent man anyway, ignoring his own kids and treating you like the nanny.

This is a then issue - you have a partner issue. They aren’t confident or comfortable with you and of course what attention from him rather than you

here is a question does you moving in mean that contact has increased in terms of time they are in the house but he actually sees them the same as before or less?

so you being there means he pays less maintenance?

Why on earth would you stay in this relationship? Your partner is using you for childcare and the kids don't want to be with you. Sorry, you could be the nicest woman in the world but they just want to be with their mum or their dad. Cut your losses and get out of the relationship and leave them to it.

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Give your head a wobble

You are being used as a nanny! it's so obvious

it's not fair on you and its definitely not fair on the children. They have visitation to spend time with their dad and he ignores them. No wonder they are unhappy.

If you continue in this way you are being a mug. It's your choice obviously but you can't say you weren't told.

This!

You can still withdraw from a caring role e.g. he cooks their dinners, he looks after them during his contact time rather than leaving you to babysit. That would still make things easier on you and be healthier all round.

However, if he's not parenting properly when he's actually, i.e. love + boundaries, both positive attention and setting expectations (e.g. teaching them manners) there's not much you can do to improve matters. I'd say try the nacho stuff first, and if nothing improves when all of the responsibility is on him then do some serious thinking about if this is really the relationship you need.

Also don't get pregnant!!!

@Tiswahe's moved in with me, i don't know what maintenance he is paying

He's moved in with you, dumps his kids on you, you don't know what ( if any) maintenance he pays. Why don't you know? Are you scared to question him? I'm suspecting that he doesn't contribute much to the joint expenses, and I wonder if you are also covering costs for his DC.
He isn't a great dad, and not a fantastic partner either from what you say. Hopefully he has a lot of good points, otherwise you'd be questioning why he's still in your house.

Yes, all of this behaviour is familiar, including the side eye and staring. I just stepped right back, the dynamic was too awkward, I left them to DH to deal with.

Tbh, I was married with a a DC by this stage, if I wasn’t, I would have been long gone.

The behaviour only gets worse as they hit the teen years.

So he’s moved into your house, uses you for unpaid childcare and isn’t transparent about his financial commitments for his dc. He saw you coming @M2p

This won’t get better. Is he really that special that you can put up with all of this?

As everyone else has said, it’s a partner problem not a SC problem. The SC want to spend time with their dad. They sound bored and frustrated that he’s not spending much time with them. Quick fixes… stop asking them if they’re hungry, kids don’t know when they’re hungry, until they are… which is usually 10 minutes after they’ve told you they’re not. Just make food at a set time and serve it. If they don’t eat it, they know where the fruit bowl is.

But honestly? The quickest fix here is for him to move out. Let him see his children in his own time in his own place. If you want to carry on seeing him do it away from the children. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be with a man like him but I’m not you.

Something to ask yourself… if you had children with this man, how much parenting do you think he’d do?

@M2p

You are being taken advantage of. I'm not sure you see how much he is taking you for a mug.

He's moved into your home (does he contribute to the bills?) and has abdicated childcare responsibility to you. Does that sound like a fair situation?

Please don't get pregnant. If you do the situation will only get worse. Please don't sell your home to get a house with him.

In your shoes, I get him to move out and reset the relationship expectations or move on. He's not a keeper.

You sound lovely but I really feel sorry for those kids 😐

Where was he living before he moved in with you?

Wow. Just wow.

a man moved in with you, you are stick providing childcare for his children and you think the problem is that the children don’t accept you. ?

goodness. Why is that what you think the problem is rather than having him move out again sharpish.

@crumblingschools with his ex, they was separated and he was on the sofa

Get rid OP! What’s in this scenario for you?

Bloody hell he saw you coming. Or, were you the OW?

He needs to move out, immediately.

Crikey he saw you coming didn’t he!!
Get rid, what a terrible situation for you.

@HellonHeelsi bloody hope not, everything he said has added up so I doubt it very much

So his kids have gone straight from living at home with both parents (even if parents were ‘separated’) to living part-time with you. No wonder they are acting up. But that is the least of your problems