So many problems with SC

[M2p]

I have been a SM for about a year, SS 12 SD 9 yet I feel like this is just getting worse as it goes along.
At first yes it wasn't too bad, meeting them starting to get to know them but as time has gone on I've found myself separating myself from the situation trying to keep busy when their here. So they are very fussy eaters, will never try anything new and if I cook something ive made before that I know they like sometimes they say they don't like it and won't eat. If I don't have dinner done at a certain time all hell breaks loose and it's like I'm starving them to death but they never moan to me about it they go to their dad. They ignore me, even when my P is around, they will ask him questions to ask me. It's even worse when he's not in the house which is a fair bit as he works and he leaves them with me multiple times in the week, i will ask if their hungry and they will just say no all the time, but as soon as my P comes home the first thing they will say is their hungry and haven't ate like I've done it on purpose. Also SD stares at me all the time i can see her out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes she will just stand with her head poking round the door while im doing something it makes me so uncomfortable. These are just the main things there is also little other things that goes on aswell, has anyone ever experienced anything like this before?

I was you.

When I got to this stage, I was spending so much time in the pub with my mates trying to get my ex to actually parent his own kids, I was spending half my wages in The White Rose.

At the next stage I was done and I left. He had no choice then!

The pisser is that I bent over backwards for those kids too, just to be treated like dirt by all of them.

Unfortunately, I've been in a situation as difficult and you have my sympathy. I didn't have any problems with SD but SS was a nightmare and OH passively facilitated it. Eventually, it became clear that the only solution was to move on. So I did.

OP, there are people out there who can sense emotional weakness a mile away and laser onto it like a shark to chum. I have always struggled with self esteem and had some guys like this in my life early on. They EXPECT, COUNT ON, you being manipulatable, and controllable through feeling bad/guilty, to get what they need. My family expected me to put others needs first, even when those people were totally wrong. I was the bad guy for “making them feel bad.” They still do it! But I’ve had lots of helpful counseling and can see it a mile away. I’ve made peace that some of them think I’m not particularly nice, and I no longer care.

This guy will try to make you feel bad. He’ll try to make you think its YOUR FAULT he’s sleeping in a car, or his kid didn’t get dinner, or whatnot. When people have privileges taken away, they double their efforts to blame shift and guilt, and try harder to make you feel bad. Because they know they are losing something. Are you surrounded by family and friends who will take his side? I sure hope not (I was in many cases of similar behavior). But no matter what - hold strong and get rid of him. It hurts at first but gets easier. Stay strong.

You hold all the cards and he is realizing it. Whatever he says now, be skeptical. Think about his motivations for whatever he says next. And remember ITS NOT YOUR FAULT that he is in a housing pickle. Make a list of all the things you have done for him (give him lodging, watch kids, make meals, etc) that he doesn’t reciprocate..if he tries to guilt you. Don’t let him guilt you.

You hold all the cards - not this guy.

You’ve allowed him to come and use the bathroom?? Does he come to yours to take a crap - literally and figuratively?

Please just tell him it isn't working and to get out

I hope you’re okay tonight OP.

No one falls in love faster than someone needing somewhere to live!!

I can imagine being those kids, how awkward for them being in your home, eating your food etc and their dad isn’t even there!!

In their eyes I’d imagine they see it as their dad moving straight of their mothers to be with you, whether he was on the couch or not, him being in the marital home straight to your house would be seen as too fast for them… he handled that really badly!

personally I would tell him that he needs to only have the children when he’s actually home to actually have them, and that you’re not a childminder! If he wants to see them he can collect them after work and either drop them back before their bedtime, or on his way to work the next day!!

I wouldn’t except this.. he’s there when they’re their end of!! He also needs to tell the children that they need to speak to you rather than being rude…. If they are being rude to you then he needs to take them out rather than having them at your house!

I couldn’t take on SC, hats off to those who do, but I couldn’t.

Stop this nonsense, right now @M2p

I was in a relationship for 17yrs with a man with three children. We married after 4yrs together and I then relocated and moved in. The kids stayed every other weekend and one night in the week. His youngest daughter started immediately with the ignoring; as with you, I was totally ostracised. Her dad dad saw… but couldn’t bring himself to approach the subject. She didn’t speak to her dad for nearly 4yrs. For me, 8yrs. She told her siblings to do the same, thank heaven they didn’t. If her dad (when she was at university and he’d visit her there) mentioned me, she’d leave the restaurant and refuse to engage. Eventually, I ended up on antidepressants and having counselling. I tried and tried… cards and letters, invitations to come back. My husband supported me for the first 5/6yrs but eventually, as I knew he would, he blamed me for his “compromised relationship with” his kids. It was a nightmare. All of it. I endured endless rows and silences from him; would leave our home otherwise she would not come. In short I was the whipping boy for all of it.

I divorced him when he’d told me for the umpteenth time that I wasn’t worthy of him.

@M2p Stop with this. Please.

Are you ok @M2p ??

I’m with others… I’d wait for him to leave the house and instantly have someone round to change the locks, I’d text him and simply say you’ve bagged his things up and taken them round his ex’s … and that’s what I’d do…. Or his parents/friends or whatever!
I would tell him by text you’re sick of the lack of respect from both him and his kids.. then block him!

Please let us know you’re ok @M2p

I hope you’re ok @M2p Or as okay as it’s possible to be in your situation. It’ll be hard but your current life with this man and his damaged and entitled children will likely never change. Now is the time to move forward.

Don't walk away- run!!!

Sorry it's took so long to reply on this i was drained and fell asleep lastnight, was half an hour late to work today 🙄 so I spoke to him told him all my problems and he understood. There was so many different ways he was but he's ended up going to stay at his sisters. It all happened so fast my brain feels swollen. Thank you for everyone's comments I do appreciate each one and for helping a stranger

Take care of yourself @M2p .

Well done. Try to have a rest and I hope that you have someone who can give you some support.

I'm not surprised you feel wrung out, you've been on a rollercoaster the past few days as reality hit and you stood up for yourself. That took guts, and I'm sure holding your boundary wasn't easy in the face of what I presume was more DARVO when you spoke with him.
I'm glad he has gone to his sister's. You need space to process things and decide what you want to happen next.

Well done op. Some space. Enjoy it, settle and process. I would keep this thread and when you’re brain is up to it, read every response again. (Apart from the posters ar the end who didn’t real the full thread)

You have been through so much and not just this weekend. It's been grinding you down for a long time. Can you do something intentionally to take care of yourself?

What do your family and friends think of him and the set up? Is he older than you?

Agree with above. Hope you get a chance to relax and clear your head after all this and treat yourself very kindly. Lean on friends and family. I hope you get a chance to get away to your friend's caravan, now that you are not subsidising other people. You deserve respect and to surround yourself with people who treat you well. All the best OP

Like the others said, take care of yourself @M2p . We’re all sending our hope and best wishes to you.

More fool u, they r angry with their dad for leaving them with u, stand yr ground he needs to look after them.

🌷Take care of yourself, op.

Time to relax and rest. Give it a few days and you'll start to feel refreshed knowing you've not got him or his kids around. Take care.

@M2p you will be feeling tired and emotionally adrift after the end of a relationship (even if that relationship was with an abusive partner). Please take all the time you need to recover. You may feel you want him back at times during this recovery period. That is normal. The best way to overcome it is make a list of the.abuse you have received his hands, the cock lodging or cuckooing in YOUR home, the.leeching off of your resources, the rudeness from him and his children, the expectation that you are at best tolerated to service their needs and wants but not allowed any of your own.
Make list of his many, many faults. Useless father unable to provide for his own offspring, either with a home of his own, unable to provide a fucking cooked meal for the children. He is hoovering up your resources - your home, your food, your time, your effort without any thought.for you. You have basically been a slave that provides him with everything. He does nothing but abuse your hospitality and kindness taking.them as weaknesses to exploit. He is a pathetic fucking misogynistic loser. and he is teaching his offspring to behave likewise. Look at these lists if you feel like relenting and then put the list down and go and give yourself a treat. Be that a large slice of cake, a glass of wine, a catch up with a.friend, a movie, a spa treatment-something that is just for you. You are a wonderful person. You deserve so much better than this man. He is lower than an intestinal parasite and less useful!

Well done OP and hope you manage to get some rest.

I would suggest no contact at least for the time being so you can get some proper headspace.

Remember it's his responsibility to figure out his housing situation, as a grown man with a job he is fully able to do this.

It's telling to me that he's just gone straight to another woman (sister) to take him in in this situation.