Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

YABU. Weight of expectation on longed for idyllic once in a lifetime holiday: what could possibly go wrong? Regardless of ages of those involved the more people you go with the more likely that someone will be wildly annoying. Throw in preteens? Bingo.

Well I wouldn't be taking them again...nice adults only holiday for you next time would be my suggestion.

Next time he takes them away on their own and you don't go.

The northern lights weren't bright enough 😂. Get DH to take them to see the Blackpool illuminations while you go on a posh trip somewhere else!

Your expectations for the trip were unrealistic.

If the DC behave like that usually they were always going to do so on holiday.

It’s weird that you’re cross with the DC rather than your H as their parent.

YANBU to be annoyed generally about them getting DH running round after them. But it's him that is creating this problem.

YABU to expect them to enjoy a holiday you decided was a dream holiday. Not everyone likes winter sports so I think it's quite specific.

Personally I would just go on a nice trip with you & your girls & then for a family holiday with the boys just go on a caravan holiday. Far cheaper & they would probably enjoy it more.

I think the resentment you feel is going to grow as they get older . You and DH need to be on the same page regarding their behaviour and how he reacts to it otherwise it’s going to cause problems. You need to be honest with him and how it’s made you feel .
He needs to start making them more independent for a start coz that will definitely cause more problems in your marriage if he bows down to their demands as they get older .

YANBU but your anger should be reserved for your DH.

He’s chosen not to teach them how to tie their shoelaces, how to show a bit of resilience or understanding of how their whinging and moaning can impact on those around them.

Those boys sound like a pathetic nightmare. They need to toughen up. No excuses for a nearly teen who has a meltdown because he can't tie his laces.

Sorry they ruined your trip OP.

They have literally said for the last three years or so that they really want to go on a. Trip such as the one we went on. We watched some programme about Finland when they were little and it stemmed from that, plus all their friends go ski ing a lot so they really wanted to go. It was their dream trip as much as it was ours.

Yep, Dh has obviously had a hand in creating the issue as one of their parents. He does on fairness tell them off, and try to set boundaries and consequences, sometimes not that effectively. This does not happen in their other home where they are treated like little princes. And as I said, I expected their behaviour to some degree but this was next level. And as they get older it surely can't be unreasonable to expect them to be a bit more mature and able to recognise that stropping every half an hour like toddlers is not ok?

They really enjoyed some bits of it, once they got going. They loved the ski ing and have talked about it really positively to everyone since they got home.

It was just the bits around getting ready and afterwards and around the activities they moaned incessantly about

Why did your husband not read them the riot act for their behaviour? I would be very cross with him for allowing his children to behave in this way - I would also have taken my own children off on our own to have a nice time away from them and let him get on with it!

Going forward, you need to have a conversation with DH about what is acceptable behaviour and what consequences he is going to put in place. He needs to step up and parent his children effectively. If he doesn't, are you just going to put up with it?

No. You can't. Forget about it. Your husband is described to acts like a slave.Both parents show these girs that they entitled to strop every half an hour.

Your dream or theirs?
Nothing is ever as expected with kids and the pressure for even days out can be enough to ruin the trip.

This. Let their mother take them away, or their dad can take them on short breaks.

drop the rope.

Tell your DH things need to change. He's not helping them in the slightest, far from it in fact. They start to become more self sufficient or you need to live separately.

I would not holiday with them again. You could holiday with your kids and he with his, then have a holiday just the two of you.

I hear you ! However I think you need to be more realistic, 2 youngsters pre teen with hormones going off is always going to be hard work. Northern lights are something adults would enjoy, less so 2 lively boys.As far as skiing is concerned its a new skill ,and they probably felt apprehensive .I am not making excuses but being realistic.Often on hols things are not "perfect"but "good enough" perfect is difficult to achieve!

That is such a shame for you. Technology has totally ruined holidays for kids I think. They'd rather be on their phones than absolutely anything. But, I'd just accept that and step back op for a good few years. Don't go on holiday with them. And don't defend your dhs parenting - it's shit, and if he thinks his ex'es is shit, rather than simply blame her but carry on letting her do all the work, he should have fought to be the RP.

Why hasn’t your DH taught his child how to do up a shoelace. It’s a very basic life skill.

It sounds tricky. Why do you think they behaved worst than usual? Did they find something challenging about the holiday?

If your husband still reads them bedtime stories along with tying their shoelaces, I'd recommend Five Minutes' Peace by Jill Murphy.

Didn't anyone make fun of them when they were acting like spoiled little brats? When our DC (much younger) pulls stunts like that, he is gently mocked until he gets the message.

On the plus side it’s over now, it’s done, and you don’t have to holiday with them again! Take your DDs on city breaks, go on romantic holidays with your partner, and if he wants to take them away he can. Just say you’ve done your time with kids’ holidays now!

I agree with this. From what I can see, tweens are only easy compared to, say, toddlers. You have young adults and so there's no reason why you shouldn't be enjoying some of your holidays now rather than jollying everyone along!

I can see both sides. Yes it was their dream holiday but they are still relatively young and probably hadn’t thought about things like it would be really cold, the boots would hurt their feet etc, it was a totally brand new experience for them so I would cut them a bit of slack. It sounds like they did enjoy it. My DD was always moaning at that age and has matured into a (mostly) delightful 17 year old.

Step parenting is tricky and I think you’re right to just back off a bit and let DH do the parenting and the running around!