Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

She doesn’t come across as jealous. Irritated or perhaps a little embarrassed if they make a loud scene in public places. Baffled that their parents not expecting and wanting more from them and prioritising their Disney guilt over what’s best for their children.

You have a husband issue. Both your husband and his ex are to blame for how they have brought their children up. If his children normally whine/moan/complain, then it stands to reason they were always likely to do so on holiday too! You clearly had high expectations of the holiday and their behaviour, which has now come crashing down to earth. Your husband should have read his children the riot act as soon as they started with the whining/moaning etc. At their ages, they are perfectly capable of understanding the impact their behaviour has on those around them. Yes, it sounds as if they have been mollycoddled, and haven't been taught the skills to make them more independent. Your husband has to take some responsibility here, and understand that this needs to change. If their Mum wants to baby them, that's her outlook, but at your house, they need to do things for themselves. Your husband should be hot on negative behaviour, and pull them up on it, every time. He's not doing them any favours, and long-term it's not going to bode well for your marriage.

ive travelled with my children since they were young. They have been very lucky to have been able to see quite a lot of Europe and the US in the last 20 years . We built it up with Europe when they were small to bigger trips as they got older. We have therefore learned how to travel together gradually. We have learned how we all work together to make the trips successful. We know how much down time we need. We have learned how to balance everyone’s competing needs. We have learned what interests us all and what doesn’t. As a result our trips tend to run pretty smoothly and we have a good time.

putting 6 people of varying ages, who haven’t travelled that much together, on one big multi activity trip was always going to be difficult. I can see how the younger children might have felt out of their depth and perhaps they had high expectations of the trip that wasn’t what they expected. You had visions of everything going wonderfully. There was a whole bunch of competitive needs all crammed together in a ‘trip of a lifetime’. That is a lot of pressure on what is a holiday to spend time together. I can see you are disappointed but I can totally see how this all happened!

I learned a (very) long time ago that your older kids will totally ruin every plan you make so don't make them the centre of anything (unless it's their birthday or Christmas) 😂

I'd have ripped them a new one on the first day.

I do agree that boys are different to girls, I had two boys and I have six grandchildren, two girls four boys. I have noticed a vast difference in the whole growing up thing between the girls and the boys, I found the girls much easier to handle so I think you may be right in that respect.
its disappointing when you really want ‘family’ things to be perfect. But with a lifetimes experience of these things I’d say you did well. At least in their eyes it was a positive experience so I’d just be happy that on the whole you all had a good time. I’ve read of much worse holiday experiences on here.

In which case don't waste future money on blended holidays. DH can take them away solo if he's prepared to put up with the behaviour he's allowed them to get away with.

If people ask about the trip just be open and say that the boys ruined it with their whinging, it wouldn't them or dh to have to face the impact they had on the holiday.

The trip they thought they wanted to go on at 8 and 9 is not the same trip they actually want to go on at 11 and 12. The whole plan sounds like more of an adult holiday anyway.

There was far too much build up to this holiday leading to far too much pressure to enjoy it. It had disaster written all over it.

So your dd were allowed their moments and by your words were "awful" at certain ages but you have no tolerance for the fact that other kids might also have their moments at various ages?

If you are annoyed the 12to can't tie his laces, why not question their father for that?

@piscofrisco But why can’t the child tie his own laces? Has anyone spent time showing him how to do this?

Expect whatever you like but if your dh and his ex keep doing whatever they are doing you will get what you got. The boys will be ruined.

@piscofrisco They sound absolutely hopeless- like whining ninnnies.

But your husband and their mother should be teaching independence and how to make something to eat and drink- and how to tie their own shoe laces!

I agree that boys and girls are different too - not necessarily that girls are always easier but they seem keener on independence in particular

I honestly think my 8 year old boy would still be happy for me to wipe his bum, he needs to be pushed to independence

YANBU - but you’ll get little support on here.

I had two spoilt, ungrateful, babied stepchildren who spoiled (or tried) every holiday/event. It’s a thankless and totally unfulfilling job being a step parent.

The only answer I found was to massively disengage. I was much happier. Let their parents deal with their tantrums.

My 12yr old wouldn't act like that over a shoelace OP. He ties his own and if he's struggling he would just ask for help.
He also packs his own school bags and makes himself some food if he's hungry and he definitely doesn't need his grapes cutting up for him!

Obviously he can be moody and have strops the same as his 14yr old sister can occasionally. I don't think it's got anything to do with being male or female, just different personalities and being babied by parents.

YANBU… spoilt brats, how do you put up with it. DH pandering after them like a servant every touch and turn too. They are not babies and they need to learn respect and gratitude. You have my sympathy. Sound like DH is weak.

The holiday stuff is annoying.

But your H running around after their snack demands at home would be the breaking point for me.

Why does he do it?

I actually do this not necessarily in a murderous tone. I explain on the way to an event or at home before we leave the standards of behaviour I expect and spell out the consequences. Normally loss of screen time and some physical labour.

If you waste everyone else’s time by misbehaving then losing your leisure time and having to put in a bit of work seems fair consequence. There’s also a silly phrase I use which is a warning you are in thin ice and to rein it in.

It doesn’t work all the time but it does the vast majority.

If they haven't, the child could presumably go online and find an instructional video.

At the risk of sounding like a mumsnetter, they're not autistic, are they? I am, and when I was a child a shoelace 'wrong' or a wet sleeve would have sent me over the edge. To be fair, a wet sleeve is still a pet hate.

I think it's possible you (and posters) are being cruel about people who can't help who they are.

Genuine meltdowns as in unable to regulate themselves/overwhelm/loss of control with an underlying neurodiversity? Or having a tantrum as things don't go their way?

Sorry your holiday didn't live up to expectations. Agree with pp though that maybe expectations were unrealistic.

It's your DH you should be angry with if a 12 year old can't do up his laces. Maybe it slipped through the net, but no time like the present for him to show him what to do.

I think your expectations were unreasonable. Skiing is exhausting, putting on the gear is exasperating, it's hard work so growing boys will be hungry all the time. We found when skiing with DS at that age, it was important to give him lots of downtime off the slopes. I don't know what your room arrangements were, but having a space to decompress is important.

I feel sorry for the DC. It’s pretty clear you don’t like them and resent their presence. Life would be so much simpler with just your grown up DC and DH, wouldn’t it? The boys can’t not have noticed how you feel about them. Imagine being away from their mum, somewhere strange, somewhere they did say they wanted to go to, but now having to pretend they’re ok with when they’re not and you’re annoyed at everything they do. That then causes issues with their dad, who doesn’t sound all that tbh. I think the whole family set up needs looking at. A week here and a week there. What a joke! You’ve got two disregulated kids who don’t know whether they’re coming or going and throwing money at them for your dream trip and being annoyed they don’t like it makes no sense. If you’re a step parent, you’re either all in or you’re out. Sounds like you want out to me.

I couldn't live with moany, entitled children.

YANBU. They sound dreadful. Your DH needs to tell them off.

Goodness, what a piece of work you are😕