Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

Why is everyone saying the 12 year old can't tie his shoe laces? That wasn't what was said in the OP. It was that the lace was in the boot, presumably he was struggling to get it out and was frustrated.

Other people’s children are often a bit of a nightmare compared to our own little darlings. And step children are other people’s children even if one of those other people is your DH.

Skiing is one of those activities that can be a lot different in reality than how you imagine it. I went for the first (and only!) time as a young adult and I found the clothing really uncomfortable, especially the boots which were very fiddly to put on.

Haven’t RTWT but wondering if your dh’s sons regularly play sport outside of school? Was it their first time ski- ing? We took our sons on ski holidays from the age of about 6 and they didn’t behave this way. It’s absolutely NOT a ‘boy thing’.

The other thing I would say is that different DCs can be difficult at different stages.
So rather than imagining the trip with your DDs at the age of the DSSs, think about how it would have been at the mid teen stage when they were being stroppy.

You say that your DH has apologised to you for his ineffectual parenting spoiling the holiday, but has he apologised to your DDs for the same?

Have YOU apologised to your DDs for their (potential) last holiday with their mum being spoilt by a couple of whiney brats that you brought into the family?

There's a massive gap in maturity, skills and abilities between late-teen-girls and pre-teen-boys. You, clearly, as an adult didn't enjoy the company of your DSS's on the holiday, but it was your choice to have them in your life. Have you given any thought as to how pissed off your DDs probably are having to share their "holiday of a lifetime" with a couple of whinging pre-teen-boys.

I don't feel sorry for you because you chose to blend families with an ineffectual parent. I do feel sorry for your DDs though.

I can sympathise as I took my own (biological) children on a special holiday once and I ended up spending a lot of it on my own, especially at breakfast and lunch (it was a cruise my older son begged me to let them try). Turned out he didn’t much like cruises (neither did the younger one).

The age gaps of yours and dp’s kids were also too big.

What happens if you just tell them, “stop moaning,” “stop whining,” “stop being such a moaning myrtle,” etc.

Could I just point out that fastening shoe-laces is a common problem for neurodivergents. So common it's one of the 'signs' we look for in each other.

@piscofrisco out of the 6 of the group who’s long awaited trip was it ?

Sounds like an older holiday than a kids .
A lot of kids can’t do things these days for themselves as parents are all working long hours.
Have you not asked your dh why his kids can’t get their own drink or tie their laces ?

You haven’t read the full on OP first post!
OP said it herself

Kids aren't going to behave any better/different just because they are on an expensive holiday in another country, unfortunately!

You had the weight of expectation of this lovely, idyllic, much-longed-for family holiday, but no one had a personality transplant before taking off.

Yes, they probably should have behaved better. But if they are spoilt little princes at home, YABU to expect that they'd be any different on holiday and out of their comfort zone. You also have a DH problem. He should have called out this nonsense years ago.

They sound insufferable spoilt brats that will grow up and be useless husbands.
It's your DH that needs to step up and be a parent not a slave or a pal.

Your 2 made the holiday something positive, his acted like brats.
Be grateful that you are the better parent. Imagine how it would be if yours were the ones who spoiled a holiday.
YANBU. Holiday sabotage should be a crime IMO

@StopStartStop
Can we please stop claiming every bratty kid is ND, it's insulting to those who are.

Hopefully the OP is sorting lunch for the family right now. But let us hope that she isn't sorting lunch out just for her "kids" and second husband but that she is also sorting lunch for her step children. Fingers crossed!

Reminiscing recently with my dad and siblings about our family ski holidays and my dad said the first couple of times we went he nearly gave up because all we did was whinge all week about similar things to your step-kids. The problem with skiing is that it is hard and knackering, especially if you’ve never done it before, but once it clicks it’s the most awesome sport.

It sounds like expectations were too high with loads of stuff going on. Next year, just do skiing. Focus on their technique with ski school in the morning and practice on the slopes in the afternoon. It will get better.

Guilt I would imagine.

Yes mine works the vast majority. I wouldn't want anything to be completely effective. The quietly murderous tone is saved for when they are already working themselves up and need another firm emotion to set the boundaries. Something would have gone wrong in those circumstances. Usually I would just outline expectations on the way over and there wouldn't be a need to spoil the tone by bringing up consequences unless someone was already struggling. But then it's probably not the right time for the activity... Maybe this is why my way works. I probably wouldn't have tried to accomplish this in the first place.

You've got 2 girls. He has 2 boys. They are quite different. Generally. My 10 year old still needs help putting his school clothes on sometimes, my daughter sorts herself out. Agree with others that tech has ruined kids somewhat - it's a battle isn't it all the time, makes them hate being bored, they just want to look at screens (and they would if you let them).

I wonder if you'd be better stepping away from this thread as it seems to be really affecting you, maybe it's because you were the stepchild or you have seen damage done to children but I'd spend the time reflecting ? Your comments aren't constructive they are quite childish, what is this thread bringing up for you? Our reaction is always about us and our experiences not about what is being said , you seem to be reacting to things that aren't there.

Yeah... The children are not the problem here. Poor ones.

Think you set yourselves up to fail. No "dream" holiday was ever going to satisfy everyone all the time. Living with disappointment is part of life. Your dc probably had their moments at that age too. Having said that you and dh need to have a conversation once things are less immediate about how to manage everyone's needs and behaviour in future.

If anyone says YABU they’re on meth.

Shoelace skillz are taught aged 3.

They might turn out ok, but leave a century or two for them to grow up before you try another landmark hol.

💐