Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

Suspect you wouldn’t have found them quite as irritating if they were your own children.

Holidays can be such a flashpoint: all those elevated expectations, individual wants and lots of money being spent.

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And the boys loved it, so they now say, whilst not being able to see that their behaviour made it shit for everyone else.
it’s entirely possible they did enjoy bits of it, but they are not mature enough to understand that they should be demonstrating this. DH and I have had some humdinger rows over the appropriate level of gratitude our DC should be showing on holiday. For him, just the simple fact that they are being taken on holiday and having money spent on them means they should be grateful - even if they are actually bored, uncomfortable, tired, missing their friends / home, and not enjoying themselves very much. Personally, I’m not particularly grateful when people give me things that I don’t want or make me do things i don’t really want to do🤷‍♀️ I’m generally mature enough to put my resentment to one side, and play along - but it’s a big ask for precious 11-12 yr olds.

If you want to be more of a family, maybe focus on the day to day existence. I think it’s a bit unrealistic to expect people to somehow be better versions of themselves just because you are somewhere different.

Yabu kids are ungrateful brats at times. I took mine to Disneyworld most of the time they were good but at times the 10 year old was moaning, it's too hot, didn't like walking ect. In reality they were up early each morning lots of activities and were probably tired. Pp are correct having expectations of a dream holiday, things are never perfect. I don't think they mean to be ungrateful and as you say they now reflect that they had a good time. You are comparing them to your kids and you shouldn't.

All the reasons I don't do holidays with my step children!

Unfortunately holidays with children aren't always that enjoyable in my experience. They get overexcited, overwhelmed and tired.

Are they neurodivergent? I only ask because the shoelace in the boot and snow up a sleeve thing would be the kind of things my autistic children would struggle with and you mention multiple meltdowns. In which case holidays have to be so extremely carefully planned out and prepared for and it's inevitable they'll struggle a bit with all the changes.

I think it's possible that overall the holiday was a bit old for them.

Think about if your dd's weren't there. If giving them a great time too just wasn't part of the consideration at all. Can you honestly say you'd have planned the exact same trip for just two pre-teen boys? Every meal, every activity, the amount you did, the amount of down time/travel time? Would you have done that identically just for the youngest kids?

I expect not...and I think it's likely some of the meals, lengths of activities, time spent waiting or whatnot were naturally more tailored to 'adult level' rather than 'child level' on your holiday (because of essentially 4 adults who also want to enjoy), with a resulting impact on behaviour and mood of the kids.

I don't say that with any judgement, honestly. Managing holidays and activities for age gaps is hard - our eldest dc is 17 and youngest is 7, I speak from experience. But whilst their behaviour hasn't been great, I think you need to give the younger ones a little more leeway.

11 & 12 is still quite young for a ski holiday if they haven’t been going regularly as children. I don’t think it was ever going to be this amazing dream holiday of a lifetime.

Two things - weight of expectations (as other PPs say, and exacerbated by the naivety of thinking blended family issues evaporate when you are on ‘holiday’ - they don’t) and you have a DH problem. He needs to parent his DC not pander to them to offset the guilt of divorcing/separating from their mother.

I’d refuse to holiday with them again - he can take them somewhere and deal with it on his own and maybe bond with them in a way he can’t if you are a full blended family package. Tbh they should have one to one time with their dad and the fact that this holiday did not offer this may have been part of the issue. My DH takes our DCs away for a week every year, ironically to do snow sports too, and deals with fact there will be days when they are moody/miserable/tired; they are older than your DSC now, but were not far off when he started.

Do they live with you 50% of the time? My exh always had trouble managing our kids around that age because he didn’t spend much time with them and didn’t understand them. There was probably some resentment re not feeling prioritised from my kids too. I never seemed to have the same issues as he did because I was a lot closer to the kids.

Think you're just feeling the strain and effects of a two-family holiday. You've spent a lot of intensive time together in an unfamiliar place and the differences between your family dynamics have been very apparent.

Take time out to process the disappointment and irritation of the trip. Understand that you're not a good match as a family unit on holiday...and really, why should you be? People don't just neatly fit into a slot however much we would like them to.

Sit back and let the recent trip wash away a bit. think about how you'd like to proceed.

I had this with my own children with a much saved for and planned Disney holiday. It was very frustrating as they both wanted to go so much. There is something about the tension that rises when something is built up. It’s almost like people can’t cope with the expectation of what it will be like. It’s so hard especially when these things aren’t easily afforded and so much time and effort goes into them.

Reflecting on it I think it was partly their age (pre teens) and also the unfamiliarity. We usually just go to the same place in the UK each year and I underestimated how much the change would impact them.

We all want to go again sometime and I think being older and knowing what to expect will help.

I get that it totally sucks but they sound pretty normal to me. We got VIP access to watch the fireworks and my children completely ruined it by bickering. I was so disappointed!!!!!

@FKAT that is definitely a thing I'm guilty of. My DD's were a wild more mature than the dss's at the same age. Absolutely disastrous as they got to mid teen stage but at 11 and nearly 13 they were much more able to do things for themselves, and control their own behaviour. So the difference between boys and girls is some thing I need to factor in more for sure.

Honest questions-do 12 year old boys regularly strop and are unable to sort their own shoe lace out? Or storm off because they have itchy feet? Is that just boy behaviour? I don't have experience of that really so genuinely asking.

How have you answered about the holiday when someone has asked?
has anyone sat down with them and had a chat about their behaviour on the holiday since you got back. I don’t mean a telling off but actually asking them how they think their behaviour might impact on other people?

Meh, they moaned a bit about how uncomfortable all the layers and special equipment is. Annoying, and nothing a "suck it up" wouldn't sort. Maybe your tolerance is just lower now you are past the tween phase.

What a truly pathetic post by the OP. They are 11 and 12 FGS! You are a middle aged woman. Jealousy of 11 and 12 year olds by a woman way old enough to know better is not a good look. Give your head a wobble. And, btw, if their dad is happy to serve them food whenever they request it, it has nothing at all to do with you.

Is it any wonder that (evil) step mothers are central to many children's films?

I had this situation OP.
SD’s ruined one holiday, badly, lots of talking about expectations, others feelings and consequences of further actions when we got back.
Went on holiday again, same thing.
So no more, I am only holidaying with my own children from this point on.
Sad about not being able to do things as a whole family, and partner missing out, but I’m not willing to sacrifice these happy moments for my own children and me.

What a horrible post. I hope you find the happiness you so obviously need

How silly.

You don't have to holiday with people you don't get along with.

No more travelling holidays with SC.
Only go on holidays alone with your husband or with your DDs.
The young SS should be content with camping, beaching, fishing and day trips mainly with their father. Their father should devise a holiday to relax and refresh his energy, along with caring for the DS.

For 40 years we've been sold the myth of the "blended family". It very rarely works. We should be surprised when it does work out, not when it doesn't.

Children can be exceedingly irritating. They don't understand the cost/value of things, and they often focus primarily on the immediate (whether that's physical discomfort, or generally feeling a bit on edge from the uncertainty and lack of routine on holiday). They don't really understand the emotional impact that their behaviour has on those around them.

If it's your own children, you're more inclined to talk to them openly and without agenda, and to try and figure out what's wrong, to want to make them happy. When they're not your own kids I can absolutely see why you don't see it that way! Add in some obvious resentment about their mum, a family of 6 stuck together in close quarters, jet lag, the physical effort of packing, travelling (and skiing!) and I think your expectations of a magical, idyllic family holiday were unlikely to come to fruition.

I am sorry that you weren't able to enjoy your expensive holiday, though - that does suck. Maybe another time you could build in some hours apart?

I think children are less used to shoe laces because so many shoes fasten with Velcro. I remember finding a skiing holiday really hard. I just couldn't do it and didn't like it and felt miserable. I think my stepson started getting quite stroppy at that age. Pressures of secondary school. Revving up for puberty. Quite small things can be flashpoints.

A lot to reflect on about how things might be done differently in future. Maybe when everyone's calmed down, it's worth having a discussion about what they enjoyed and how to deal better with the things they don't enjoy. What are their preferences with holidays. (Friends also start being all important, and sometimes just not being able to hang out with mates can be a source of frustration.)

Get over yourself.

do 12 year old boys regularly strop and are unable to sort their own shoe lace out? Or storm off because they have itchy feet? Is that just boy behaviour?

No op, it's not 'boy behaviour' 🙄

It's potential child behaviour when they're tired/overwhelmed/bored or whatever.

The shoelace probably wasn't the issue. The fact they were cold/uncomfortable/bored/had been out for 8 hours or up until midnight the night before likely was.

'Honest questions-do 12 year old boys regularly strop and are unable to sort their own shoe lace out? Or storm off because they have itchy feet? Is that just boy behaviour?'

No! Most 12 year old boys are great in my experience, mid teens tends to be more challenging for boys and girls (especially girls)! My 12 year old can be a bit moany but he gets short shrift. He's also very capable of preparing simple food and enjoys hosting his friends, very independent with organising himself. His older brother was never a big moaner and was always easy going except that mid teen/ tricky hormone phase.

What has this got to do with anything?
Treating your children like this does not help them.