Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

What a shame they spoiled the trip. The younger two do sound like spoiled little beasts.

@StopStartStop I think you're the ill mannered person with your name calling and nastiness.
I am autistic myself as is my son.
The OP stated it was a stuck lace not lack of skills.

I took my children on my dream holiday when they were 13 and 15. It was my dream holiday for my 40th because my 30th had been horrendous due to a bereavement. I don't make a big deal of birthdays so this was a one off. 6 months before we went to Dubai and they behaved really badly. So I sat them down and said this is my dream holiday for bike because of x (they knew what happened previously). I explained it was expensive and I would go mad if they ruined it. They had the choice to stay at home with a grandparent. They came with me and behaved amazingly but I think that's because I was so clear beforehand and they understood it wasn't just any old trip. Also the big difference is that they are my children and we have a strong bond. My partner has 2 kids and no way would I pay a lot of money to go on holiday with them as i couldn't have the above conversation with them and I couldn't guarantee they would behave.
You have my sympathy as step children are a completely different kettle of fish to your own children.
Not the same but why don't you book a couple of special things with your children individually. Eg a fancy meal out with just you and the eldest or a gig with just you and your youngest so you can keep doing nice things but it doesn't have to be holidays and certainly not big group ones with step children.

Skiing is fun but presents a ton of opportunities for irritation and frustration (I ski a lot so can tell you that with certainty). My teen daughter is a great skier now and we ski happily together, but at age 10-11 yes, she usually insisted on redoing her boots multiple times because her socks were not sited just right inside the boot. Etc. Crying because she could not handle a certain skill, etc. It took a ton of patience to get used to the equipment and the slowness of kids dealing with it all. Skiing is very tough on newbie kids. I understand that you wanted perfection on this dream holiday, but it may have been a situation where your expectations were not realistic. In general life is hard that way…we very rarely ever get to have things, live in those idealized moments, that are not free from some deficit…it’s so very rare that events live up to our expectations! But most of the time your long term memories will eventually focus on the happy bits. That doesn’t address your SK behaviour issues but please try to not think of the holiday as a failure - start being glad for the parts that worked, and for the overall experience. And start casting happy memories from it.

My ex can be an idiot at times (hence he is my ex) but he would have read our kids the riot act if they behaved like that. Even if they get away with it in their other home, doesn’t mean you can’t have expectations. The consequences of not doing it, are what you’re seeing and it’s only going to get worse if he carries on enabling their poor behaviour.

Im not sure where you are getting that I think you're a jealous wicked step mother?

I certainly didn't say that in my post or suggest it - I also don't think life should be totally tailored around children or what they want.

What I do think is sitting them down and having a 2 way conversation with them just afterward, when your back home is important. Its important so they learn to be kind to others and respects others time and feelings. No teens will be perfect but you need to have the conversation so they understand how their behaviour can impacts negatively on others.

Your expectations were too high and that's the reason for the disappointment. In my experience a holiday with a toddler is easier than a pre-teen. They're moody with all the hormones, stuck in between that age of wanting to play like a child or enjoy adult activities, easily bored and missing their friends as they start to become more interested in friends than family.

@Engleberthumper you’re coming across really poorly.

Op - I’d simply not holiday with them in tow until they mature a bit. It isn’t worth wasting annual leave knowing you’re not going to have a good time.

You cant avoid your experience not meeting expectations -and how sore that is given was members of your own team clouding your view. Given age difference with kids could dad not of carried the weight n trailed them at very least outta earshot?
"treated like little princes" is catchin my throat a little- am i right this is how mum\homelife plays out? babyfied/lifted n laid for style.
thats not on them really is it. They arent going to adapt to invisible goalposts. It seems t 11 and 12 you must realise like 5+more years....it would do you all diservis if you bore grudge or muted your reltionship according to this...that will fester rapidly.
probably you should share the the wee kids were crappy -hes not in yourr head nor you his...he mighta not struggled as much?
if youmchange nothing-nothing will change. both dults need to decide on incentive\reward ...non negotiable...flexible behqviours which wont happen over night. Mybe do similar to them n focus n positive bits .

None of my boys did, but then DS1 wasn’t an angel but he’s 31 now and I’ve forgotten, but his grandparents enabled a lot of his poor behaviour (i had him when I was very young). Ds2 was a dream child, so lucky with him, 3yrs upwards he was such a good kid. He’s 20 now and still such a delight. He was walking himself to school 45 mins through a woods from just 11. In my opinion DS’s are less mature. DD is coming up 17 and definitely more mature, but was the queen of tantrums when very young. I can’t see any stropping over that, but cold conditions might be a cause, though sounds like they aren’t much better in the UK. Maybe a pool based sun holiday is the way to go, let them make some friends and leave you guys in peace!

Surely they're his kids half the reason they're like this is him?

Obviously they are going to try to sabotage the hols - they would have preferred it with their mum and dad, not with their stepmum and dad. It is so obvious, I am surprised at your surprise.

@Hwi is that a serious post or are you @Engleberthumper using a different account?

You say they spoiled everyone else's trip. Did they really, or was it only you who found them so irritating?

This.

Maybe it was all just a bit overwhelming for them OP. If they've really been talking about a holiday like this for 3 years and have been building it up, they have had loads of time to imagine up an ideal scenario where their boots are immediately comfy, the northern lights are like something off a video game and everything is perfect and feels comfortable. Reality is always a bit different and if they are given to whining anyway, this sort of thing is sure to set them off a bit.
I'm sorry you found it extra annoying and it spoilt elements of your trip.
Try to learn from it and maybe don't take them on something so expensive for a while.
I hope your girls had a wonderful time x

Sounds like attention seeking to me

For the relationship ongoing OP, I think you need to reconcile yourself to the old adage ‘you can’t always change people’s behaviour, only how you respond to them’.

I would think through a couple of strategies to have in your pocket and be ready to use them.

Visualise it all sliding off your Teflon coating. Don’t let them stick.

First sign of moaning “oh well never mind … I’m off to look at that information board “ all bright and breezy.

“You’ll live…if not, see you in the next life” and get on with what you are doing.

And do this and walk away or get on with what you are doing (reading, cooking, chatting with Dds, enjoying a cocktail - ignore and look at horizon ), whatever your DH does.

Any repeat “yes you said that, I don’t need to be told / asked again “ and ignore or change subject.

And P.S, my nieces were absolutely moany and clingy at that age and able to act pathetic My boys were not, and made a point of bringing as self reliant as possible.

Me too

Why are you excusing the kids bratty behaviour? I’m sick of hearing about kids and teenagers entitled attitude and people making excuses for them and giving in.
oh poor little darlings, my heart bleeds for them, NOT.
That amazing holiday… some kids don’t even get a weekend in Mablethorpe because parents can’t afford it, they would’ve been in awe of the Northern lights and everything else.
Total bloody brats and it’s about time DH sorted himself out and taught them about respect and good manners!

Yes! You caught me out! Previously I also changed my nickname to Charles Perrault, stole a folk tale and plagiarised it into Cinderella, writing vicious lies about nice stepmothers and absence of love in blended families.

Oh calm down! 🤣
I'm not excusing it, I was offering a possible explanation for it because it has clearly bothered OP a lot (as it surely would!)

No you wrong, the best response to those entitled bratty kids is ‘no response, absolutely nothing, just walk away”. If there attitude changes for the better, THEN a favourable response is appropriate.
Rude ungrateful behaviour does not deserve a response of any kind. Brats!

To be fair to OP, threads like these are made all the time by parents. Big/dream holiday and the kids spoiled it with moaning, bickering, whinging and whining. It's a tale as old as time. A lot of OP's angry, fuming, frustrated, crying at their kids' behaviour.

The main difference, is that as a step parent you don't have the same "power" to implement any changes that you might feel are needed.

I stopped going on holidays with DSC just a bit over this age. It was thankless and joyless due to all their whinging and moaning. I wasn’t wasting any more time off work to be around that. DH took them away himself after that. He found it just as hard, tbh but they’re his issue to deal with and perhaps more discipline in the preceding years might have made them less awful in later years.