Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

@MikeRafone I be e skewers that we had a lovely time thanks. We haven't talked to the boys about their behaviour after the fact as I feel like the moment is gone really. We did talk to them beforehand about bits of it being physically uncomfortable etc. And as I used to with mine before we go anywhere I tell them what it is, how long we will be there, that they might need to suck up certain aspects of it. Live can't be about doing things totally tailored to Children all the time surely-as how do they learn that that isn't how it goes as an adult?

Jealous of them? Wicked step mother? Hahahahahaha. This wicked step mother is typing this from a very cold football sideline having driven DSS an hour to play his game. I'm not sure I'm that evil at this point but ok.

Sounds like they both need a good smack.

I'm a teacher and cannot understand why, parent or step parent, one cannot say in a quietly murderous tone, "We are going to have a rule today that must be kept. No exceptions. Everyone here is either a grown up or an older child. No one is allowed to act like a silly younger child and spoil things for everyone else. It will not be happening. We will do everything we can to help you enjoy yourselves but there is the rule. Do I make myself clear?"

And this would work.

😂😂😂😂

Oh if only!

I wouldn't say that was really abnormal behaviour.. but it irritates you which is fair enough as they aren't your kids.

I think expecting kids that age to not moan is really a bit unrealistic. Anyone looking at a holiday destination on screen only sees the plus points. They don't see for example that the temp might be uncomfortable or the flight tedious etc etc. As adults we do get this. I think you are perhaps over egging how easy your own kids were at that age and imagining they would have behaved differently.

Lol - I'm a teacher, and that would work for me on a school trip of 60 Year 9s, but it wouldn't work on my own 11yo 🤣🤣

A late middle aged woman jealous of 11 and 12 year olds is more horrible. Particularly if those 11 and 12 year olds are from a broken home.

It’s a mistake to call things once in a life time or dream holiday - it’s not ever exactly how you imagined

we took the kids to Thailand for a month during maternity leave and we were so excited to get such a long trip together - day 3 my daughter ended up in hospital and was sick for basically 10 days (hospital twice)it was crap but you have to just get on with it and make the most of the situation

weve just said oh well we can save up and go again some time

don’t think of things as the last time with your daughter either - I’m 36 and still often holiday with my parents

we went to Disneyworld as a family when I was 30

Your h is the problem here. The kids strop and behave immaturely because they’ve learned that it is an acceptable way to get your parent to do stuff for you. Yanbu to judge your h for not encouraging his sons to be more self sufficient- I can’t believe that someone said that it’s normal for someone that age not to cut their own grapes!! There are food tech lessons in year 7 using a hob, chopping grapes should be happening years beforehand. A 11-12 year old should know how to do laces. My boys were motivated to learn because the coolest shoes were laces at that age and secondary school boys generally notice trainers.

Saying that, there are posts every year about 11-14 year olds behaving like shit on holiday eg They are keen to go but want to stay in the room because of the wifi. I would not travel with your h’s sons any more and leave him to baby them elsewhere. You can’t change their mum’s attitude but your h is creating a future problem - their peers aren’t going to tolerate this kind of behaviour and they need to be ready for adulthood if they wish to go to uni or ever live with other people.

@Engleberthumper you really are talking a load of old shite.

@Engleberthumper late middle aged?! Am I? Wow.

I was going to say something similar

I think at this age, they just don't understand the full implications of things and that's an age/development thing

So my kids will say "I don't need a coat, I won't get cold" and I could just take them at their word but actually I know them and know they underestimate the cold and will take a coat anyway

On the holiday front, mine have been asking to go on safari for years because they watch a lot of wildlife documentaries. But I know that however much I warn them that it will involve sitting in a jeep for a long time and unfamiliar food, they won't really get it. So we probably will take them but it won't be for a few years

I just couldn't live with this level of simmering resentment.

@piscofrisco with the distance of time you’ll forget how annoying they were. And the boys will have amazing memories.

We live in a place where summer visitors kayak over a weir.
It can be hard to get over in one go if the river is low.
One year a mum and teen dd were trying to get over and the dd sat there refusing to help and looking really annoyed that she had to be in the kayak.
Of course lots of people stood on the bridge watching as the dm tried over and over to get the kayak across the weir with no help and many remarks were made about the girl and her sulky behaviour. Poor girl couldn’t escape and there was a huge cheer when her dm got the kayak over the weir.
I often wonder if that girl went home with good memories of her holiday.
I know her dm probably didn’t. 😂

Of course you are. Your oldest is 19. You are not as young as you think you are. Act your age and stop being jealous of the 11 and 12 year olds.

@NoseyFarkers there was no need for the rolled eyes. I've been told up three that boys are different to girls. I don't have experience of boys. My girls didn't behave like that. They had their moments and dd2 was awful at 15, but she could tie her own laces and be a bit more resilient earlier than 12. That's why I asked .

The shoe lace incident was day 1, a snow boot, put on in the chalet, before going snow mobiling, after a good nights sleep and a full cooked breakfast. So perfect conditions for shoe putting on I would have thought. And no they are not neuro-diverse as far as anyone is aware.

How old was I when I had her in your belief? You sound a bit silly.

Has your dh sat them down and told them that you worked hard to save the money to give them a dream trip and that they spoiled it for everyone else? I would expect at least an apology.

Were they bothered (or would they be bothered) by the impact they had on the holiday? If they aren't interested or actually take pleasure out of doing so, I wouldn't be wasting money on them.

This is all on your dh and his parenting.

I also agree with this on looking back on your own children with rose tinted glasses

One of my friends said the other day "oh my DD just never had any tantrums as a child" I remember very clearly that child flat on the floor screaming because my friend wouldn't buy her something.. I didn't remind her because it is probably nice for her to have forgotten it and I think she genuinely has forgotten it completely

@Isthisreasonable he did after the individual incidents but not since. They go quiet for a bit then twenty minutes later more of the same.

Honestly OP, I would just step back from family holidays with the SKs.

Last time we went with my SS he spent the entire time in the hotel room on his phone, only came out to eat meals. Waste of money. We now have lovely adults holidays and if he wants to take his son on holiday then he does it alone.

WTH??

I had a lot of teachers (and one parent) for whom that would work. Kids learn (and remember) very early on which adults can be safely defied and which can't.

I had teachers who didn't need the speech, even - they could quell you with a look. Didn't we all?