Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

He takes his away. You take yours... Job done..

It sounds like a very adult holiday to me. Very unusual for any one holiday to be a "dream" for 6 different individuals!

I wouldn’t expect teens/preteens to appreciate the Northern Lights so I wouldn’t take them for that reason.

I have a whingey teenager who moans at every footstep they take (shoelaces/blister/ shoe rubbing/hot/cold/uncomfortable) which somehow is always my fault and I have to think very carefully about where we go as it is just not worth it for me. Some kids are easy-going and placid and some are hard work unfortunately.

Children can be vile little shits. We love our own to the extent that we see beyond it, there isn't the same rosy fug of love for other children. I suspect the SC were just kids of that age being kids of that age. Which is deeply deeply annoying when they are not your kids. No point in saying anything now - children move onto different stages, they grow up and this will pass.

Some kids are easy-going and placid and some are hard work unfortunately. This is so true - I am constantly amazed how little we can shape our children's fundamental personalities. Mine are so different from each other it is astonishing.

My kids are the same age as your stepchildren and they certainly have their moments. Honestly the bickering is endless and ridiculous. We do have your in public and you will behave rules so less of that nonsense when out and about but it’s a tough age.

Ivwould always suggest if your going anywhere to get used to all the kit first. My kids ski but train them up at a dry slope to get used to uncomfortable boots and carrying their own skis type stuff. It’s physically tough and often children aren’t used to pushing themselves.

The thing is, skiing holidays sound amazing and idyllic, but the reality (and all the little bits around the actual skiing) isn't so great.

With two whingebag kids that are used to being pandered to , it was always going to be a million times worse. I know even a few fairly well behaved , independent kids their age absolutely melt down when skiing, especially when they had no previous experience. How tiring it is, the cold,the snow, heavy/uncomfortable boots, the pain , the prep, the layers , the faff, how difficult lifts can be and then the actual skiing.

Are there any bits you enjoyed?

In the future, just go on side of pool holidays, or very short mini breaks, of even better DH takes his kids away and you take yours.

I've got a child who is often like this on holiday. It's not uncommon for kids (and adults) to find holidays a challenge. Some need routine and sameness very much and skiing is a lot more difficult and uncomfortable than anyone admits, especially for beginners.

Just learn from it and don't all go together again!

Did you do anything to prepare for the holiday? When mine went skiing for the first time we did Sundays at the dry ski slope for 2 or 3 months so it was more fun when they got there and they had presumably got all the right muscles ready for it. I think that can make a big difference.

they sound very normal for an 11 and 12 year old boy for whom some of the elements are more grown up and parts of skiing can be tough

has anyone actually ever had a holiday when people don’t have a moan especially a skiing one when it is cold and the equipment can be uncomfortable

...And that's exactly why we went on it. All four kids were really keen to go. And as I've said, the dss's have spoken excitedly about it since and asked to go again (!). So whilst I appreciate that for some people it doesn't sound like a good trip, everyone in our family was excited and looking forward to it. And the boys loved it, so they now say, whilst not being able to see that their behaviour made it shit for everyone else.

Dh did fight very hard to be the RP. We have them 40% of the time and only not 50/50 because their mum moved them
An hour away to move in with her boyfriend and by the time the family court date arrived to question this, they were Judged to be settled there, so she has them one more night a week we do one week and two more the alternate week. The school run for us is 2.5 hours around trip and we can't do it more than we do as we both work full time.

Dh did read them the riot act. It works for ten minutes. He does set them boundaries when at ours. It results in a lot of stropping which he largely wears. Where he is rubbish is around providing them food on tap and not taking them to task when they refuse to eat food they have eaten happily the week before. He ends up running a constantly open canteen when they are here. Thats on him and he won't stop whatever I say so I've given up there. The rest of it he is stricter about. They are told by their mum that they don't need to listen to us which does not help. And she literally does everything them when they are there. She cuts up the 11 year olds grapes still for heavens sake, and packs the year 8's school bag for him. I don't consider that normal or healthy. But that's not the point of the thread.

We usually do holiday just dh and I as well, later in the year, (but not this year as this trip was so spendy) and I have taken the girls away on our own and he the boys. But we do actually want to be a family and spend time together and we go into it hoping for a good time. Increasingly however this is not the case due to their behaviour. So separate holidays I suppose it will have to be.
Which is sad.

We took them for lesson at the snow dome near us beforehand so they are somewhat prepared . And we did other things as well as ski, dog sledding and snowmobiling and such.

@BlueSilverCats

"The thing is, skiing holidays sound amazing and idyllic, but the reality (and all the little bits around the actual skiing) isn't so great.
With two whingebag kids that are used to being pandered to , it was always going to be a million times worse."

Pretty much was I was going to say. Skiing is faff bloody central, along with the strong possibility of being cold and wet and getting hurt. Really not the best place for two precious pre-teens. They may have watched some idyllic programme about Finland with cute huskies and log fires when they were little but the reality is very different and as the adult I think the OP should have identified this.

Sorry YANBU to be annoyed and pissed off but YABU on several other fronts.
I'm not going to make myself popular but there is a world of difference between pre-teen boys and pre-teen girls so comparing them with your DDs is unfair. They will be at the height of puberty, they will be ravenous all the time, their bodies will be constantly changing and growing (to a much larger degree than girls) and they will be having a torrent of emotions flooding through their bodies - they need to be fed constantly and there is a regression to childish behaviour. To then complicate it by taking them to a place where they have to wear strange and uncomfortable clothes and do strange and uncomfortable things is always going to be a challenge.

(I'm not diminishing the utter shitshow that is puberty for girls by the way - it's horrendous and taking them on an Arctic trip during their first period for example would also be unwise).

I can't imagine how a holiday for adults, late teen girls and tween boys would work tbh and then throw in high expectations and expense.

Get a glass of wine and watch Downhill (think it's on Disney+) - it's a comedy about a dream family skiing trip that goes wrong and know you are not alone. There's a great rant by the 12 year old boy half way through about how much he hates skiing.

Of course they loved it! The whining and whinging is just normal for them and part and parcel of normal life.

Maybe you had slightly unrealistic expectations that their excitement and happiness at the trip will give them a personality transplant. That was never going to happen, no matter how good the trip was.

While DD was away skiing I had the room is boiling, feeling sick every morning, can't do this, can't do that, I suck at this , that hurts, ski boots suck, food is awful(she's incredibly fussy) etc. you get the gist.

On arrival I asked her how was it.

"Great! Can I go again next year?"

🙄🙄🙄

Bloody kids.

Sorry you feel your trip was ruined OP. Hope you and your dds managed to enjoy some of it.

The bit at the end made me laugh, my ds is exactly like this, whinges the whole time he is doing anything out of the ordinary, then afterwards talks about what a good time he had. He’s just turned 18, and reminisces with nostalgia about what an amazing childhood he had with such great trips, but at the time he was constantly moaning about everything. We just ignored him. That’s just his personality, he’s good natured though and we tease him about it, which I guess relieves any tension.

As pps have said, skiing is one of those holidays which are better in theory at least until you've done them a few times. Hindsight and all that, but I'd probably not have done a first ski holiday that I had to save loads for so that expectation and pressure to love every minute was there under the surface.

They obviously shouldn't moan, bit they're still quite young. Your dh tries to assert boundaries and he has them nearly 50% of the time. So what do you want to happen? He can't do any more according to you, so that's that.

I would probably go separately in future (either you go just with your dh and let his ex do the same with her dp so it's equal or you take your daughters and he takes his sons)

Very frustrating OP.
Partly I think it does go with the territory. It’s hard to go back to those tricky years once yours have gone through it, and those pre-teens are often a total pain: they don’t know whether to be kids or grown ups, want grown up privileges but are afraid to lose their safe ‘child’ status. Both sets of my nieces nephews (different sides) were unbearably whiny, clingy, demanding and moany 10-13. Maybe my Dc too….but I would say not. But who knows? We are more immune to our own.

Hindsight: I would have done more mix and match days, gone off with your girls and met up later. Rather than seethe. Their ages aren’t really compatible as close mates / step siblings anyway.

Really sorry it didn’t work out. Holidays with Dc are always a gamble, IME.

Girls aren't the only ones wrestling with hormones at that age. They're adolescent - and that can be shit. Your older kids are past that so you're comparing.

The holiday sounds marvellous - for adults. The reality of it may have been hard. I went on a school ski trip at 13 and hated it. The scenery and the Italian food and being away with friends I loved but the actual reality of skiing was a bit of a shock. Cold, falls, painful boots, numb toes, spectacular bruises, fear of not being in control and realising it could kill me.

They are shuttled between two homes, never truly settled. I do wonder if that is healthy for children, or all about both parents getting their slice of the pie.

Your husband's behaviour - is it guilt-driven?

Your scorn towards their mother - where does that come from?

The long saved for dream trip - perhaps too much expectation and hope had been healed on it and the reality could never match expectation.

Maybe next time dad takes them on a simpler thing tailored for kids their age. And you take your elders on something right for them.

It sounds like they enjoyed the skiing part of the trip & it was more the moaning around getting kitted up for the day.

They do sound a bit young for their age but I don't think it’s easy to keep older teen girls and pre-teen/early-teen boys happy doing the same thing.

It sounds like they want to go again - but maybe just the skiing part.

(I used to pack DS bag with him when he was in Year 8 - the 2 week timetable used to be confusing! He's actually quite grown up in other ways. I'm glad you weren't judging me on that one)

Your problem is with their Disney Dad.

I would have to have a very serious conversation with him because he's raising two spoilt entitled brats in your home.

Tweens on holiday sounds fairly typical behaviour.
But you don't have to go anywhere again with them
Or you do but do your own thing in day and convene in evening

She cuts up the 11 year olds grapes still for heavens sake I think this is normal.

Those kinds of trips are always hard because they're a lot of work in different ways. So yes they're going to make people tired and grumpy. Anything with kids is always volatile and unpredictable as it is, add a lot of outfit changes, freezing cold temps, unpredictable activities, sports and everything else in - you've done well that it was only such minor things that happened.

Also a bit bizarre if it's a dream trip to have planned it for this time of year - you would have been better off doing it in December or early Jan for the best chance at better northern lights, did you not research that?

they need to be fed constantly and there is a regression to childish behaviour.

Sorry but I think this endless pandering to teenage boys, and waiting on them like they’re elite athletes in need of constant food and care, is in part responsible for the lower standard of behaviour we have for men and their inherent expectation that they deserve to have their every whim met by whatever female is to hand.

When I was on the maternity ward with my first, I watched in horror as the husband of the woman in the next bed asked her to go to the communal kitchen to make him a cup of tea. She’d just given birth ffs, he should be getting his own fucking tea (or better still bringing her one). He was clearly just so used to making his demands and having them fulfilled, it didn’t occur to him.