Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

It's really important that you personally don't try to police other people's posts. That way, you/they are more easily forgotten.

@StopStartStop Equally though, it's bizarre to read SEN into everything. I'm autistic too but this thread isn't about neurodiversity!

I don't. But I recognised those two examples as particular bugbears of mine. I have a wet sleeve at the moment. I'm not having a meltdown about it because I have over sixty years' experience of being an autistic in clothes. If you'd caught me when I was four you'd have heard me from a mile away.

I haven’t read all replies but I’m going to go against the grain here OP.
I have two teenage DSS. They used to be exactly like yours, very spoiled, badly behaved, constantly whining, fighting in public, disrespectful. People used to excuse them in the same way you see on this thread- all sort of reasons including it’s normal at that age, hormones raging, boys will be boys, they are just bored etc.
Well… they are now much older and I’m sad to report they did not get any better. It is very embarrassing to watch a 16 year old behave so badly in public. He already has a paying job but he can’t be trusted to walk a mile without whining, pushing his brother and telling his dad and siblings to shut up (he wouldn’t dare to say it to me as I go nuclear on him).

people set low expectations for boys and that’s how we end up with so many shitty men around. Every useless, narcissistic , abusive man used to be someone’s little boy.

I’m perfectly calm thank you, I simply said it as it is. You however… well didn’t you just give OP the most useful advice ever… “Try to learn from it and maybe don't take them on something so expensive for a while”. REALLY?

‘TRY TO LEARN FROM IT’, WOW, so OP gives these ungrateful brats the most amazing holiday which they don’t show one bit of gratitude for, on the contrary they whine and moan and spoil it for everyone else, but of course your opinion is that OP needs to learn from it.
The only learning I would take from it is to take my own grateful children on holiday and leave her weak DH at home with his brats, and let them learn from it!

Absolutely , it’s used as an excuse over and over for bad parenting and badly behaved children.

It think it's too late, unless your DH gets seriously on board. Go on holiday with your daughters.

This week my 8 year old was rude to me when we were out at the park, so we immediately came home, no screens. I don't mind leaving the park- we're there for him not me but now he knows that I am serious when I warn him about how he speaks to me. It won't be the last time, we've had other battles about wearing coats (or at the very least carrying your own coat) on cold days and they have moaned but over time learnt to moan quietly or they don't get to go to the cafe, as they can't behave appropriately. But all of this learning happens at low key, low pressure events and it then sets the behaviour for special trips.

They are also getting towards the age where they might choose to stay at their Mums more which is an extra worry for your DH so will be very hard to get though the process of improving their behaviour.

In future, focus more on protecting your relationship with your daughters and going on a mini break with them.

Send your husband off with his children.
Drop the rope with them.
If this behaviour continues, which is not normal for that age, the next 5/6 years will be a lot worse.

Step away from parenting which is not wanted by your husband.

Look after your girls.

I have a 12 year old boy who just behaved like this on a holiday over half term - I think it's a pain in the arse age tbh and boys are more like it than girls!

I have not pandered to my 12 yr old and he got a bollocking for spoiling things - but I felt it was a lot of hormones, tiredness, new environment.

I honestly sometimes think we hope/ expect too much of kids -a t 12 they probably want to be kicking a ball about with their mates more than being on a big fancy holiday.

I am with you Op it's VERY annoying - I was nearly in tears at my 12 yr olds behaviour - and that is MY child ! whose failings are my fault!!