Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

[piscofrisco]

-and I'm feeling very resentful... how do I let this go?
We have four kids between us, my older DD's (19 and 17) and dh's, 12 and 11. We saved up for three years to take them on what had been a dream trip for us all-alpine sports, the northern lights etc etc. They were all so excited to go. It's probably our last holiday with all four now my older dd is 19 and doing her own thing more so I wanted it to be even more special.
My step children are very young for their ages and are prone to moaning at the best of times. They have been very babied and can do very little for themselves. I know this and expected it to a degree, but the moaning whilst on holiday was next level.
A 12 year old stropping snd needing help because his shoe lace was inside his boot. The 11 year old stropping as he got snow in his sleeve during a snow ball fight. The food was wrong. The weather was wrong. They were tired. The ski boots were uncomfortable (we warned them they are for everyone beforehand). The northern lights weren't bright enough. The 11 year old hadn't downloaded anything to watch on the flight home. Full on meltdowns multiple times a day. And on top of that the fighting and bickering between them and the horrible way they speak to their Dad. My teeth are ground down to stumps.

My two DD's had their moments and still have them now in teenage fashion but nothing like this. They could make themselves a drink or a snack at those ages, tie their own shoelaces, put up with a bit of discomfort or boredom whilst travelling and recognise how lucky they were to be on an amazing trip they had been desperate to go on.

I had been so excited for this holiday. And it was just ruined. We are now home and they are back on their tech and demanding food every ten minutes (which dh just gets them like a slave- a battle I've long ago dipped out of). Usually I can just ignore it but for the first time I'm finding it is really grinding me. When anyone has asked they both have said they had an amazing time and are talking about it really positively. Completely impervious to how they spoiled everyone else's trip.

I'm making myself a little more scarce today without being obvious about it. But I'm really worried this is now a fundamental shift in my relationship with them as I can usually just rationalise it as them having different personalities to mine and them having been raised differently in lots of ways to the ways in which my kids were-but this time I am just very cross!

Dh can see it and has apologised for it and for their behaviour (and we otherwise have a lovely marriage and life together). Has anyone else had a turning point moment like this?

I couldn't live with moany, entitled children.

Oh, same. No moany brats, no simmering resentment, happy life!

They say they enjoyed it. So you say 'you enjoyed it but we didn't: we will take you on holiday again, to give you a chance, but if your behaviour isn't much better, it will be the last.

@IfItWasUpToMeIWould
I too am sick of these excuses; overwhelmed , maybe ND, same with nasty men, nope some ppl are just whingeing arseholes.

I don't think I expected the holiday to be Perfect. In fact I've said I expected some moaning as that's what they do at home, but this was next level. I did expect them to behave a bit better than they did, and to be less entitled about it. Some good points here about how they were out of their comfort zone so even if they said they wanted the trip the reality of it might be harder, which I will take on board.

My girls had their Moments when younger. Yes. Nowhere did I say they were allowed those moments and to ruin things for everyone else. They were not. If they kicked off massively on a day out or whatever and couldn't stop after a decent amount of time they were taken home to stop them messing stuff up for other people. They pretty quickly learned to behave better. Sorry if people don't like that but it's what I did and it worked. I don't expect dh to parent like that and his ex wife doesn't parent like that. As a step parent there is only so far you can go I think in putting your own parenting style onto your spouse.

I don't dislike my step children. I'm
Not jealous of them (?) I do a lot of them as I do for my own, and as does Dh for mine. It's undeniable that logistically life is harder than when the girls and I were on our own. (In lots of ways it's also much nicer). But as someone pointed out that's what we chose when we blended our families and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Constant moaning that upsets everyone on a trip bothers me.

Dh is aware that it was a bit much this trip and in general life increasingly. He will try to speak to
Them. In the past this has fallen on deaf ears. So then where do you go, when their behaviour is reinforced by their other household?

I very much doubt they were sabotaging the trip because they want their mum and dad to still be together. The younger one can't remember them being together and the older one barely can. They are used to being with us for just about half
Of their lives. It's the way it is, and it's not unusual nowadays is it. It's not ideal as it wasn't for my girls growing up, but that's the reality and we crack on.
I don't know why dh is so appeasing re the food. He just gets over concerned they are hungry. He is a feeder-to all of us-but as I've said, it's a battle I've long since decided to skip.

Dh has apologised to the DD's yes. But they see the boys as their brothers. They themselves told the boys off at one point in a piss takey way as big sisters will. Of course I don't expect them to be best mates. They have sibling relationships and the age difference means that there isn't much competition between them but that the girls are often out doing their own things, leaving dh and I with the boys, or else I go out with the girls (and dh sometimes) to Stuff the boys can't come to. Dh takes the boys but on their own too. Which works fine as for any non blended family.

Thankyou for everyone who replied constructively. I will definitely try to stop
Comparing the boys behaviour and capabilities to my girls at
The same ages . Ive definitely been guilty of
That. I still
Stand by it being ridiculous to cut up grapes for an 11 years olds packed lunch though

As an adult if I am not having a good time, if something is not meeting my expectations, if I am hungry or thirsty , or bored or tired or uncomfortable then I can immediately rectify the problem.

Children can’t. Sometimes children (yes even teens) can’t even identify the problem- they just don’t know in the moment that they feel bloody uncomfortable/unhappy.

As adults we absolutely should be encouraging children to understand and develop resilience, but that starts from being able to discuss and understand/tackle the problem- even if the problem can’t be solved immediately a bit of listening and understanding why they are unhappy goes a long way. Helping to develop resilience doesn’t mean telling them to shut up and get on with it, or being threatening to get them to comply with how you want them to behave- any idiot can bully and belittle children into compliance , but is that really the childhood you want your kids to have ?

I think this is something adults can forget - just how much time as a child is spent being bored, hungry, cold, etc., and how you just used to get taken to stuff and were expected to be grateful/visibly enjoying yourself even if you weren't. In a blended family, that also includes your parent(s) moving some random adult into your home as an authority figure, and potentially other children as well. There are lots of things now I thought I hated as a child but that I later realised can actually be enjoyable (holidays among them) because I can decide whether to go or leave, when and what to eat, when to rest, basically everything that is just foisted onto you as a child.

Who is bullying or belittling anyone?
12 year old
'My lace is stuck in my flipping boot'
Me
'Ok-can you take your boot off and get it out?'
12 year old. Starts stropping about 'stupid boots, why do I have to wear them, why don't you just do it? Etc etc'

Me
' I will help you if you stop speaking like that'
12 year old continues stripping for a good 10 minutes until his dad comes back from being outside getting the rest of the stuff ready, takes him aside, tells him off. Fixes the lace.(by taking the boot off and pulling it out, not hard).
12 year old is surly and rude for the next hour during which we have to leave as we have to be somewhere for a certain time.

Variation of this happens 6 further times that day over various things.

How would this situation have been better handled?

And yes we could just not take them anywhere, even places they have said they really want to go. But then they never have any potential nice or expanding experiences and neither do we!

Well, it depends on the child obviously but my approach is generally to try and lighten the mood

So I might say something silly like.

Poor boot, you're damaging it's self esteem, there it was, hoping to get into Oxford and you call it stupid, how dare you? Oh no, it's now led to doom spiral!

Poor boot it all started here

Silly and it's not like it always makes them laugh it sometimes makes them roll their eyes but it often gets the tension out of the moment

But if it doesn't feel like the right moment for that, the other strategy I often use is to affirm their competence

Boots can be tough but I am sure you can handle it, that sort of statement

The second of which is what I do. I tell them they can do what they are saying they can't do with a bit of patience and offer help. Which just gets met with tantrums and on it goes.

Girls are generally more mature than boys - these boys sound anxious and out of their comfort zone - no more than that - you needed to count to ten in your head or leave it to DH … reading the riot act doesn’t sound like the right approach though

Why is it more mum’s responsibility to take them on holiday than dad? Surely he can do better than a short break on his own. A proper week or two surely?

So I think there is a difference in tone and style between "not doing it for you, if you had more patience you could do it" and expressing your confidence/affirming their ability to do it

Hard to explain and sorry if I am not being clear

I think the other side of affirmative style parenting is praise when they do something well.

I suspect your SSs are getting affirmation for being dependent from their mum, I agree the grapes are ridiculous, what you guys can do to balance that is give them praise and affirmation for being independent

They sound insufferable at home so I don’t think I’d have thought suffering them abroad when I’ve spent money to be on my dream holiday would be money well spent.

work with the facts. Hubby is ineffective and not respected by them. They won’t change. Holidays with them will be awful.

detach detach detach

I understand the food thing and wholeheartedly agree that kids that age should be more independent about feeding themselves. But grapes…they are maybe the secret terror of every parent. My kid is a teen, and in all honestly I still get a tad nervous when I see her pop a whole grape in her mouth, and I nervously start silently trying to remember the instructions to the Heimlich Maneuver. Maybe the grape thing is a safety fear holdover.

Do people not teach their children to bite and chew anymore?

You can teach your kids to bite and chew…and look both ways crossing the street…and drive defensively…and wear their bike helmet…and lock the door when they are home alone…and all the other things they should do. But teens are easily distracted and don’t always do what they are taught, especially when parents aren’t there to check. I don’t think anyone should cut up an 11y old’s grapes, for sure…but I could understand why the desire to do so out of parental fear or a child choking might lead to the mom doing this one action (because they did it when the kid was younger for safety reasons and find it hard to stop)…rather than a simple desire to treat a kid like royalty.

I didn't say it should be pandered to did I?

Not sure what some random dickhead misogynist has to do with 11 and 12 yo boys.

I used that a lot with great effect with DS when he was 5, not sure if would have worked so well at 9 & 11.

I mean generally I would just ignore low level moaning like that as much as possible, particularly if it's not my DC. The more oxygen it gets the more of a thing it becomes. At the minute they seem to be getting lots of attention from complaining.

It works well on my almost 9 year old but maybe he is immature, I dunno

I do agree with you on the attention thing - I think it's always good to try and give kids the most attention when they are behaving well, which is super hard to do in practice

Overwhelmed, away from mum, and you don't sound like you like them at all.

Not surprised they were tetchy.

@StopStartStop
I really don't know what your issue is, it's not a competition to who is autistic, OP stated no SEN/ND and you have taken offence and been very nasty at someone disagreeing with you.

OP doesn't sound as if she dislikes them. It's natural to be frustrated by whining.