Not taking step children on holiday

[Sparklyflipflop]

Hi all,

I know there’s plenty of threads about step children and holidays but finding it hard to find one in a similar situation and am looking for advice.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 2 years and We live together. He has 2 children, I have none. We are discussing holidays for next year - the children are quite young 4 and 6. I love a beach holiday and boyfriend is not fussed if we go or not, if he was on his own he would not take the children abroad. I would like a holiday every year just the 2 of us however, bf is now insisting he wants to take the children on holiday abroad with us, which is fine with me as long as we have a week abroad alone as it will be a completely different sort of holiday for me (not relaxing) he has also said in conversation if we took them most of his time would be taken up entertaining them/looking after them etc - which again is fine but is why I feel we need a holiday alone as well.
Every year he does a uk holiday with family- I don’t know if this would happen if we were to take the children away abroad but either way they will get a holiday with dad.
Usual setup is every other weekend and one night in the week - I am around most of the time for this and we always do fun things with the kids while here.
I feel that if we book a holiday with the children there will be always be excuses why we can’t go on another one alone eg saving

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

AIBU to want a holiday alone with boyfriend if we can only go on one abroad holiday?

Well his children were there first…..

In his shoes l’d be prioritising my children even if it meant it was my only holiday.

He’s telling you what’s important to him. He’s a dad and I get it. You have to decide if you can live with that.

If you want to enjoy being young and child free why have you chosen a boyfriend with children?

If he wouldn’t take them abroad alone why does he want to with you? Who’ll be paying for it? Is he expecting you to shoulder the bulk of the parenting and hassle?

YANBU at all for wanting a break away as a couple. You knew he had kids and he knew you didn’t. Compromise doesn’t mean you doing what he wants, at cost and inconvenience to you, while you never get what you want.

YANBU to want a child free holiday, but he's not unreasonable to want his kids with him on holiday. Nobody is wrong here.

But, you're living with someone with kids. You better get used to the idea that they will be his priority.

Funny that he will take them with his family, and wants to bring them if he goes on holiday with you but he doesn't take them away on his own. When they spend time with him you end up doing things with them.
I mean this kindly but you are the help, the nanny, childcare with bonus sex.
If he cant parent his children for any length of time without his family or you then hes not a good parent.
I know you asked about holidays but examine the bigger picture and ask if this man is really what you want.

I think it would be more fair to do one year with the kids, the next year alone, and repeat. Unless he has the money for all 3 holidays. You have got with someone with children so on both sides there will need to be compromise. Can't knock him for wanting his kids with him, but I get your point also.

"YANBU at all for wanting a break away as a couple. You knew he had kids and he knew you didn’t. Compromise doesn’t mean you doing what he wants, at cost and inconvenience to you, while you never get what you want."

This.

We would have a family holiday, kids included one year, and the following my ex would take them on holiday and I'd have a holiday with my now dh. That meant the dc had a holiday each year with a parent and we got a yearly holiday, and one with just the two of us every other year.

YABU I’m afraid. His DC will always and should always be his priority. YANBU for wanting a holiday without them as most parents do at some point

If, between you, you can afford two holidays, that's great, but if you can only afford one holiday a year, it should be either the kids. In this instance I think that's the right thing to do.

I'd love a holiday without mine occasionally but as a single parent that's not going to happen, so it's family first I'm afraid!

I was relatively sympathetic until I reached this part of the OP:

I feel like he is expecting too much wanting me to be happy with the only holiday a year always bringing the kids while we are still quite young and the kids are quite young?

What has you and, in particular HIM, being "still quite young" got to do with it? How old are you both exactly? He is obviously not too young to be a parent so needs to be prepared to make all the usual sacrifices that any decent parent does.

Whether YOU want to join him in that is another matter.

I'd be wary if he doesn't take his DC on holiday by himself.

The DC are still very young and taking them abroad can be very stressful plus young kids and heat isn't a good mix. I'd compromise and suggest a Centre Park type long weekend with his DC - less travelling and more fun, shorter if you end up holding the baby. Then a week holiday in the sun without them.

You chose a man with a kids, you acknowledge those kids will come first and be around.

that sounds like a nice solution.

On the whole I would rather be with someone who wants to include his kids than one who is happy to leave them for a week (and presume their mum would pick up the slack?).

Also would the children's mum be ok with you taking them for a whole week?

YANBU to want to have both but you may be better asking this to be moved to the step parenting topic OP, AIBU can be rough on step parents

You knew the children were in his life when you got together. His thinking is likely along the lines of his children will only be this young for a moment in time. He wants to share the moment with them because he is a good father and a good man.
I can understand your wish for a holiday alone with him but it's just not on until you can afford an extra holiday.

Not sure why you’re saddling yourself with someone with kids. I’d be looking for someone else

This is frustrating. So he refuses to take them alone but insists on taking them if you are going along?

hmmm I wonder why?!

Honestly you said you are young, you should flee this relationship- step kids/ex wife’s/ blended families are an absolute nightmare

Avoid at all costs. This issue is just the start!

If he can’t grant your simple request for a holiday alone now can you imagine what’s going to be denied going forward!

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here.
Lots of parents would jump at the chance for a holiday without the children....and many do, either alone/with friends, or as a couple.

So as they aren't your children it's perfectly reasonable to want an adult holiday in the sun.

But it's also reasonable for him to feel guilty going abroad on holiday, and not taking his kids abroad.
And it's reasonable for him to think holidays in UK are easier if he is on his own, but now he has you for support and company.

So you need to compromise.
Whether he drops the UK holiday in favour of abroad, or you do two shorter breaks (doesn't need to a fortnight - lots of my child free friends do 2 or 3 3-4 night breaks a year, flying up to 4 hours each way) or you alternate years

Yabu.

Completely unreasonable.

When/if you have children op you will understand that they come first.

If he can only afford one holiday a year then ABSOLUTELY his children should be on it.

He would be a completely shit parent if he could only afford one holiday and went without his children. And so if he did what you want him to do, that makes him a shit parent.

You have a choice to make op. (Let's generously say you didn't realise at the start of your relationship what this would entail). You can choose to be with someone with young kids, and at their young ages, they will be in your lives for the next 20 years; or you find a different partner, a single one.

Many, probably most, people aren't cut out for step parenting, I certainly would not be and I know that at my advance age though accept that if you're young you didnt, so, don't get in to a relationship with a parent.

Because 99% of the time having the children around doesn’t impact my life, very happy to work around this and we get on amazingly well apart from the new topic of holidays

Nailed it

I think if you can afford multiple holidays a year, a week child-free is reasonable.

If you can only relatively afford one holiday, I think YABU to exclude his children.

I wouldn’t be going on holiday without my children - it would feel unfair and, they’re my children, I want to spend time / make nice memories together.

If you don’t want family life enforced upon you, don’t date a man with kids.

You’ll be back in a few years saying, “my ex is going on holiday and won’t take our 4 and 6 year old - but is taking his new girlfriend. AIBU?’