Yes I knew he had kids

[chaticat]

But I didn't realise when we had our own child I'd be left to do so much of the parenting by myself.

He does their washing and his. I do mine and LO's. He had to travel 3 hours to see them and come back so I'm left alone during what would for others be "family time".

I find myself thinking I'd be better off separating as then he'd see LO every other weekend one on one and give them some attention! The DSC arrive and out comes the red carpet and LO is left to me.

I can’t quite work out what is going on here. I’m a step mum, so no judgement from me. If I have read this right, you are cross that he is spending time engaging with your dsc but he’s not spending anytime with your joint child?

Yes…. I said what makes you think they aren’t happy? And that OP is lying about having a shit time?

You'd like your dc to see more of him.
But his original dc shouldn't see any less of him.
He needs to focus on your dc when he's not with his other dc. But it's right they also have time alone with him.
Please remember NONE of the dc , yours included, have had any day in this.
But you have made a choice. You DH made a choice. So now you have to make it work, as adults, and find a way to meet all of the dc needs. Every other weekend with your dad is not much.

Choice. None of the dc have had any choice. Not day.

oh get over yourself! my husband does all my laundry, he does all the hoovering and he empties the bins...

i wanted to know why the OP felt it such an important bit of information to share.. he does their washing, implying he doesnt do hers or their childs.. the question is why?

its a breadcrumb thats been dropped, to make it look like he only cares about HIS children and not THEIRS

i knew it wouldn't be long before the man haters would be out

He doesn't do our shared child's washing yet prioritises theirs. I think that's an issue. He has THREE kids. Yet a lot of the time he acts like he has two

It’s three hours every fortnight- get a grip

I don’t need a grip, cheers. I don’t know what the actual fuck you are on about. What’s 3 hours a fortnight?

How is any of that a step kids issue? It strikes me that he's checked out of his marriage to OP and even if there were no step kids on the scene, he'd still be avoiding OP at weekends

Its a step kids issue when the guilt of fucking up the first time lends people (mostly dads ime) to be so intent on being brilliant dads 4 days out of 14 they don’t really engage with anything else. Nothing is worth bothering with that isn’t in those 4 days. It might not be a step kids issue if he just doesn’t like his wife but disliking his youngest child is less likely imo. I think he probably believes his youngest has “won” as his mum and dad are together so he just doesn’t need the attention and care the older ones are getting. Or it could be an age thing - I was a better parent to teens than I ever was to toddlers. Impossible to know what he would be like with the op and his youngest if the older dc never existed. I might be way off but it is a “thing” that dads don’t want to do stuff with their second family unless the first are around. There has been loads of similar threads to this. I remember a woman who wasn't allowed to have a nice Sunday dinner if it wasn’t their weekend with the dc, despite them having joint dc and her also being a human who eats.

I don’t understand, he must only do their washing every other week, so assuming theirs doesn’t fill up a full machine, does he somehow deliberately exclude your joint child’s clothes?

Do you generally do all the washing when the kids aren’t there? So he’s just washing their stuff rather than expecting you to do it…

his kids are there for a weekend... if they need their clothes washing then they need washing... its not prioritising.. its a need, it shows some respect that hes prepared to send his children back with clean clothes..

i see you are avoiding lots of questions people are asking and being very aggressive with your answers.

has he asked you to wash them and you have refused? who does the washing normally in the house?

i suspect he does the washing because you've refused to do it!

Because not many teens are happy to leave friends and home every fortnight for a 1.5 trip to their dad’s house where their stepmom awaits them with a somewhat pissed off expression on her face

and then a weekend of tension follows before they finally return back home

All the tracking of washing sounds exhausting. We all wash bits and bobs of each others in our house, including our lodgers!

And the other question?

i’d have thought you’d be more focussed on the 12 nights when he’s grumpy and uninvolved instead of the 2 nights every fortnight when he’s focussed on his other children

i don’t think te. op is lying about feeling like she’s having a shit time

it must be very shit living with someone that you don’s seem to like let alone love

someone who is grumpy and uninvolved

yes, shit!

how much washing do they accumulate over every other weekend?!

do you all eat together when they’re over?

who cooks?

possibly they are picked up from school on a friday, so they need their uniform washed and ready for being dropped off on sunday maybe? my ex did this on the weekend when he had his kids... he picked them up friday from school and dropped them back at school on monday... so he had no choice but to wash their uniform?

remove the step children from the scenario

sounds like he’d still be shit

and the op would still be having a shitty time and unhappy

Ah so you were just rubbing your hands in glee then as OP said.

the issue isn’t the step children and his responsibilities to them every other weekend

it is him. and this marriage not working

huh?

Hi!

Simply;

Ask him on the weekends the step children are at their mums, can we do something with the younger ones? (Beach, farm, park etc). "They're only little once" etc....

When the washing is put in on the weekend older children are at yours; say 'leave the door open love, I'm chucking in some bits from the youngsters' (save money/time). Sends a message 'we're in it together'.

High school children grow up quick. In a few years, you may find they would rather be out with friends than back and forth-ing anyway. Don't resent the time he has with them, the issue lies with you both not communicating on the days they're not here. It is not the children's fault. They're just children. You'll understand this when yours are at this age. Then you'll understand the fear and rush of them flying the nest and you wanting to make memories before they "fly".. Think of all the time he doesn't get with his older children. Now imagine that was you with yours? that you only had less than half the time to watch them grow, learn who they are, see, snuggle, laugh?

As others have said, the age gap activities mix is expected. I'd say let them have their few hours out together, then when they come home, eat together, maybe pull out board games suitable for all (Jenga, buckaroo, operation - you'd be surprised ;) ) then teens can go chill, both put toddlers to bed then QT for you two on a job well done.

This is your problem. It isn't that he actually wants to spend time with his kids every other weekend and one evening a week. It is that he is useless when it is just the three of you.

Focus on getting him to step up as a parent when his kids aren't with you. You can worry about integrating weekends with them later (although if they are much older, that probably won't work. Plenty of families with big age gaps split up at weekends - one parent takes the older ones and one takes the small ones)

when you say secondary school aged… how old are they?

The step kids are a red herring here. The problem is he's a shit, none present dad for his youngest.