Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

What a bloody shit show!

"Because we want to"- sometimes we can't have what we want.

I can't believe that you think so little of your kids & yourself that you are doing this Op.

Your "d"p forgets to include you & your kids in things & your son reacts to your partner staying over by screaming!

JFC.

@Elderflower80s - You said in your last post: In all honesty I don’t know whether I can see myself happy not living together as the time we get together is just a couple of hours 9-11pm after my kids are asleep when we’re both tired. This is because I’m sole parent of my kids. But I do see that this doesn’t mean that living together is the right thing either.

So eleven days ago, you were only thinking of moving in together ( according to your last post), but were having all sorts of problems with neither of your boys being happy that their parent had another partner, which was causing a number of difficulties. You admit you have been pushing forward this all the way through, but your Partner was keen to leave it for a longer spell of time due to the kids reactions and not yet ready for blending in a 'living together' arrangement.

But here we are only 11 days later and you have apparently bought the house, in spite of the fact that the advice was against doing this yet, on your previous post. So which is true? Have you actually bought the house ( signed and sealed) or are you actually still in the process? You don't just 'buy' a house in 11 days from start to finish.

I agree with others that it is much too much too soon. Yes - you are allowed to have another relationship, but your kids should also be important to you and for both your Son and step-son it is clearly too much too soon.

If you haven't yet bought the house, please don't. Your partner is right that you can still have a relationship, just not living together yet.

If you have already got in too far to get out of the house purchase, you do realise that you will be damaging both the boys and their relationship, problems will be endless and it could be quite likely that you will end up as a single parent again in a few years time.

I can't believe that you are so selfish that you are pushing this through, in spite of how your kids AND your partner feel. It's a recipe for disaster

He lives with his mum 4 days a week (that’s not much different from the 3 days with his dad).
Surely in the same situation at his mums house it would be well he is not here almost half the week so doesn’t get priority; meaning that he wouldn’t get the priority anywhere and always get the worst room.

@VillageOnSmile It's not quite as described in that quote. DP has reacted due to the problems on the OPs side with her son. The partner sounds like he is much more thoughtful about the Ops children than she is. I know it's been posted already, but in case you've missed it you can see the other post here:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5023674-to-want-more

I personally think the resident child should have more of a say over the bedroom that he wants as it is his only and permanent room, it seems cruel to leave it to chance or prioritise DSS (spurious tbf) needs when the room will sit empty for half the week.

But could you sell it like DSS needs the bigger room to be able to put a bigger bed in their so DH can sleep in there with him if he needs him to, then once it's all setup slowly phase out the co-sleeping, you need to turn the negative into a positive for him.

Why is the 8yo being 'pandered' if he gets the room but the 6yo isn't?

If both boys live with you full-time, the only fair way is to flip a coin in front of boys. Or have them roll a dice and see who lands on the highest number. Luck of the draw is the only fair way in those circumstances.
If SS is not there all the time, it goes to DS because it is his only home.
Both boys can be taken individually to B&Q to pick out paint for their room etc.

It is really concerning that there are so many replies earnestly suggesting a coin toss or giving the room to DD when it's so patently obvious that these families are not ready to blend and indeed may never be.

But when does that end? I do feel for OP a little here, both boys have obviously got issues when it comes to sharing their parent with someone else, it is obviously a factor, but why should that be the overruling factor when it comes to moving on with your lives, and how long do you let that continue until you decide it is unreasonable.

It doesn't sound like either parent is working to integrate the family very well though, maybe they are going for the 'well this is it now, tough luck' approach?

The adults can move on with their lives and remain in a serious, committed relationship. They do not have to live together to make this possible.

The problem is that almost no-one seems willing to be honest about the amount of hard work that it takes to make a blended family work and the fact that blending is rarely in the interests of the children. The 'this is it, tough luck' approach can be horribly damaging.

It is really concerning that there are so many replies earnestly suggesting a coin toss or giving the room to DD when it's so patently obvious that these families are not ready to blend and indeed may never be

To be fair, many people myself included, gave suggestions based solely on the OP. Along the way others have come in with added information from OP’s other posts, where if people had of known, it would have changed advice/opinion. Funnily, OP seemed to leave a lot of relevant detail out that others have filled in🤔. You really can’t expect everyone to go do a search of all other posts by a poster before commenting n case they have not provided the full picture.

DH and DSS in one room (for the 3 nights)
You in another room with DH for 4 nights
DS in cosy room
DD in final room

DH can wean him off sleeping with/near him from there
Get him used to the environment first

I haven't read the other thread. There are plenty of red flags in the OP alone. An eight-year-old who insists on co-sleeping with a parent (and not as a planned, mutually agreeable parenting strategy) is potentially one who is not yet sufficiently emotionally secure for the upheaval of blending families, even before you factor in the additional complications of managing the change for OP's autistic child (and as the parent of an autistic child myself I have some sense of the time and work that this takes).

Whilst that may be, it is not the question at hand. The op is specifically asking about the room allocation.

SS has a room at his mums so has two rooms - let your DS have the room.

But I sense that this is not your only problem.

Why do you have to move in with each other? If often feels like a recipe for disaster, reading threads on here.

Sure, but if an OP posted asking whether she should poison her husband with cyanide or arsenic I don't think MNers would give them a direct answer to the question without querying if perhaps there are other issues at hand! Many many MN threads aren't really about the explicit question being asked in the OP.

I'd give them six months or a year in the bedroom then swap. First person in decided by coin toss.

Just read the other thread. 😥

Your poor DS. You selfish woman.

Waiting to get this post pulled, but really, get a grip.

Surely your DS gets the room, as your SS won't be there 100% of the time?

Might another option be to move your bedroom, to enable SS to be beside his dad? Particularly if you're having work done on the house before you move in? Perhaps fitted wardrobes could be taken out etc?

Would this maybe work better for DS if he needs a cosier space anyway?

Is there another room that’s slightly bigger that you can sell to DSS on the basis it has more room for a pull-out bed for DH? Which he wouldn’t be able to have otherwise.

Either that or find a way to cosy-up the other room for DS. Find some really nice curtains or furniture that ‘unfortunately’ wouldn’t fit the preferred room.

With all the deletions that am assuming factor in the other issues from other threads I think it'll go soon!