Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

This is perfectly normal in any family. My sister and I fought for years over bedrooms!! Even still fought over bedrooms when we bought an apartment between ourselves in our early twenties.

the word step makes everyone go nuts. Kids fight over bedrooms

One child is anxious about losing his father and the other is autistic.

This IS more complicated than siblings arguing over whose bedroom is bigger.

Errrr. Because it's his father & he's been cosleeping with him since he moved into an unfamiliar envioroment after his parents split ????

Only way is toss a coin I think.

Or can you persuade one of them by agreeing they get their room decorated first and can choose some furniture???

If DSS isn't a permanent resident then of course DS gets the room.

I think your D’s should have the bigger room. It makes most sense as he is there all the time. As others have said, it can be made to feel cosier, with the way it is decorated - eg a comfy armchair/huge bean bag in a corner with bookcases etc to make a reading nook, clever use of dividers (although be careful as my D’s didn’t like not seeing/knowing what was on the other side). What is he into? He could have a special area divided off into a Lego space. Lots of options.

Honestly, I despair reading so many threads on MN. Why are adults no longer capable of making decisions? Why does every need to be assessed and debated to no end? Make a decision and don’t let the children battle it out. It’s not fair on them.

Why do you think they will love sharing? It's not as if they were siblings who have grown up together. You can't safely assume that they will even like each other. And both of them will be dealing with major change in their lives. If this move has to be inflicted on them, both should at least have their own private space.

I wouldn’t have given them a choice. If ds gets it is there an option of an extra pull out bed for his dad to sleep with him. At first it sounds like he is going to need it. Little steps. Your son maybe autistic but there sounds like trauma/attachment issues for ds. Maybe the fairer option is for dd to have the room.

Share the small room to sleep in with Bunkbeds. Then let them share one of the other rooms for their clothes, toys, books and playing in.

Your son should get the room as he'll live there full time.

Anyway it doesn't sound like you'll be there long, this has disaster written all over it.

I would sit down all together and discuss this. Anxiety and ASD often tend to be about control. If you all have a discussion together, then they will feel included in the choice.

Not that it helps much, but when we moved house, we spent ages preparing DD (ASD) and planning her new room together etc etc, then when we moved in she had a complete meltdown because she decided she wanted the master bedroom instead. 🙄
Good luck, and I hope you can find a suitable solution.

• I would sit them both down and explain that one of them is going to be disappointed unfortunately, but you will not be making the decision as you don't favour one over the other.

• Let them both know that you agree that they both have good reasons for wanting the room and therefore the fairest way is to draw names out of a hat.

Before you draw the names explain to your DS that if he doesn't get the room, then you will work with him to make the other room super cosy and enclosed - make it sound like an exciting project!

Also explain to DSS, that if he doesn't get the room then you guys will be setting up a special bed in his bigger room so that dad can have sleepovers with him when he wants! Explain that dad is really excited about this.

Good luck!

That sounds such a good idea @thrwy22 !

It's unusual for them to be fighting over the smallest. My DS is autistic he sleeps better in a boxroom. SS will just be saying he wants that room because your DS does. But as your DS will be there majority of the time not SS he should get the room.

Can they alternate? SS gets it one week, DS the next week...

Thank you! I was a stepchild that was often left out when visiting Dad's so it's just how I wish myself and my half brother were treated :)

But the stepson doesn't live anywhere permanently. That's a huge disadvantage.

I don't think you should move in together OP. It's not in the children's interests. They should be your first priority and it's not fair to turn their lives upside down. Wait until they are independent

The child that will be there the most should have the room. Your SS has his own room at his Mums house, your son only has one bedroom.

What is step son's roo like at his mum's? If he has a nice bedroom to enjoy most of the time- perhaps his dad could say he has the best bedroom of all- so it would be fair that does not have his best choice this time.

Not easy, this one, and will need very sensitive handling.

Yes or even ask them to discuss between them and come up with a list of options including the above but also swapping regularly, pulling names out of a hat etc. One of them may cede to the other and problem solved.

Another option is let the master bedroom be stepson and dad's, OP have another room as "hers" but sleep in with dad when stepson not there.

How do you know? Maybe he's not the priority at his mum's either. Anyway he's not being bratty about the best room - he wants the room that's near his dad. It's different.

Sure a GREAT way to make sure everyone feels equal and important is to let SS be king of the castle in the master bedroom and the actual homeowner OP to play second fiddle. Jesus.

OP you might as well just sleep in the garden eh?!

batshit idea.

How long have you been together? I don't think your ready to blend fully tbh. At 9 a child needing his father to sleep.in bed with him isn't usual behaviour. He clearly has alot of issues in his place within thr family unit.

Sorry but if the asd means the son can't compromise or see another viewpoint then the solution is not to force an anxious child to be moved away from his father. The solution is to keep the households separate