Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

You’re asking the wrong question. You’ve got bigger problems to come I’m afraid. You’d be better off having your own houses.

Well it depends if you want to dominate the children or help them really doesn't it. The op is an adult and hopefully doesn't need to be made to feel equal and important. She's getting her way which is to move in with her boyfriend, riding roughshod over the needs of the children. Of course she can make an 8 year old sleep where she wants but it's not a great long term plan for happy family life

Is it fair to the others to say that ds always gets what he wants?

Can't you sit down with both dc and think together about how to resolve the issue? Both dc have a reason to want the room, both dc would manage to adjust if they had to have the other room.

Hopefully they would come up with suggestions like "flip a coin" or "take turns" themselves, and then they'll feel more onboard with the solution.

Is there some sort of "compensation" that the dc with the less favoured room could have e.g. an item for the room that there is only space for in the larger room - gaming chair or something?

I’d say your DS as he’s the oldest and factor in that autistic.

Either way, this will not end well. Both boys have equally valid reasons for wanting the room, so one or the other will be disappointed.

Good that moving in is some way off, so it allows time for the adults to get both children in order, or realise moving in together is just a terrible idea if a room is the start of ongoing resentment.

What a horrible situation!! The poor autistic child.

It is indeed a horrible situation. One is autistic so needs special consideration and the other appears severely anxious around separation from his dad, so needs special consideration.

It would have been far more sensible for the parents to remain in a ‘living apart’ relationship, as I presume these issues didn’t just surface with the prospect of a new home ☹️. Not all families suit blending.

In your position op I would not be pressing ahead with the move. Clearly this is not for the benefit of any of the children involved, it is going to put your relationship under significant pressure and potentially end it prematurely.

This is a disaster waiting to happen, and it’s very likely it will compound the damage to the children. I would hold off, focus on the dc, enjoy your relationship and wait until the children are in a better and stronger place.

Imagine a world where parents were the actual adults eh.

imagine.

Tell them to both stop acting so spoilt and explain that many kids grow up not having their own bedroom at all! Then pick the rooms out of a hat.

Yep. Have to agree.

You are the adults. Parent them.

The dss doesnt live anywhere permanently though so effectively would always get the worst room which also doesn’t seem fair.

Not really fair on dd though if she prefers another room that no one else wants.

Another one saying don't move in. Neither child is ready for such a big change and, as the adults, you should be able to put the needs of your respective children first.

As an aside, mumsnet loves the "whoever is there the most" gets the best room and most posters either don't realise (or don't care) that by that rule children of first families will always be considered second.

What could possibly go wrong. 🙄

I would point out that they clearly can't both have the room and tell them to come up with a way to resolve it that they both agree with. My similar aged kids have done amazingly with this.

I think it will really add to feelings of not being part of the family if he's only there half the Time and your child gets the room he wants. I think there's time to find something to convince one of them the other room is worth it.

But if both parents follow that line of thinking that means that he would get his pick of rooms in two houses to make his own? It's not a black and white situation given, but does he have the room he wants with his mum who is the RP? And yes it does make a difference, because if the room they both want is left empty for more nights than not, how can anyone see that as fair.

I do agree with PPs that the move shouldn't really happen and I wouldn't in this situation, but that wasn't the question here

Are you planning on having children together
Maybe consider that too ,when allocating rooms ,to save changes later

Another option is let the master bedroom be stepson and dad's, OP have another room as "hers" but sleep in with dad when stepson not there.

Seriously?!

When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him

This failure to agree is but a foretaste of things to come. This really doesn't sound like promising material for a successfully blended family. Moving in together is really not the way to wean a child from sleeping in their own room.

You are setting yourselves up for a very great deal of heartache and unhappiness.

It says when SS is staying.

Is your DS in your full time care?

Obviously a permanent live in child will get room preference over a person who only stays part time.