Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

What are you taking about? He lives with his mother permanently.

No he doesn't he lives with his mother 4 nights a week. So would also lose out to a step or half sibling there full time. It's shit being that kid (I know as I have been).

I can't see where it's mentioned that the DP dislikes the son?

I thought OP said he stays every other week?

Both children deserve sympathy. The child with anxiety could be struggling just as much.

No she said 3 nights a week.

But if both parents follow that line of thinking that means that he would get his pick of rooms in two houses to make his own? It's not a black and white situation given, but does he have the room he wants with his mum who is the RP? And yes it does make a difference, because if the room they both want is left empty for more nights than not, how can anyone see that as fair.

I'm confused - I never said he should have his pick of room. I said the rule where the person there the most gets the room is stupid because the child moving homes twice each week will never be put first. And it isn't okay to have one child who is always considered second.

It is also a bit of a stretch to say him mum is the RP when he spends 3 nights a week at his dads. That's as close to fully shared care as most people are able to get!

The only fair thing to do is to consider both children's needs equally. But if the OP was willing to seriously consider their needs she wouldn't be moving in with the partner any time soon.

But on another thread the op says it's her son who doesn't want the dp and his son coming over?

Oh I didn't realise, I obviously read it wrong. OK well that puts I different spin on things.

Doesn't sound like moving in is in the children's best interests.

Which would neither if the dcs get their needs met.

Sounds like a great plan. NOT.

What a shambles. I feel sorry for these children. Sort your DP out before too much damage is done instead of pondering over which bedroom.

If that’s the case…
Why in earth are they moving in together??

Are the bedrooms far away from one another or not?

If the fought over bedroom is the only one on the same floor as the room you and dp will be in then give it to stepson. But if they literally all open off the same landing as in most houses and its the difference in being one door down or two then that is ridiculous for an 8 year old, and I'd give it to your ds rather than pandering to that.

Maybe reassure ss by him going into your room and his dad shouting from "his" room to show how easily he can be heard and how quickly his dad can get to him if he has a nightmare or whatever.

I've read your other thread. What stage are you at in the house purchase? If you have not yet exchanged contracts, you should abandon the whole plan.

You need to work towards this plan to combine households MUCH more gradually starting with helping your child to tolerate your partner staying regularly.

Your partner should stick to staying with you when he doesn't have his son.

If you want to do things all together, keep it low key, neutral ground, something the children will enjoy, short outings.

You don’t let children choose rooms! There’s always going to be a fall-out. Just tell them that, and say that you’ve already decided on the rooms they’re having, so it’s pointless them discussing it. The rooms should have been shown to them as their rooms when they went to see the house.

Your DP can sleep in the same room as your SS to start with.

I would say that considering the other two children are always with their mother, and one with both their parents, the step child should have the room choice.

Put yourself in the child’s shoes HIS dad gets shared with a child who isn’t his ‘real sibling’ and another half sibling. I think the child feels insecure and I think that for this reason it’s important to show that their security is valued.

honestly they are all very young to have a blended family. That probably caused your step child a lot of heart ache. It’s not ‘their fault’ ( no one’s fault, but just wording it as a child would see) that their step sibling has autism and it’s not ‘their fault’ their dad set up a new family.

give some tlc to your step child please. By the way I have no step anything, so no skin in the game, but I can so Imagine how tender your step child feels.

Aah! We had this with our 2 DS, 4 bedrooms to choose from, they both wanted the only one with skylight/velux window. Was not the biggest room but was nearest to our room and youngest claimed he also needed it because of cloeseness to us (all rooms were on same floor with a small landing). Methinks he was doing his best to win the war! Full on row and shoving each other in front of new neighbours and current owners.
We let the older child have the coveted room (he spends more time holed up in his room than the younger one and has friends over) but we agreed on a room swap in 1 year if they still felt that way. All whilst having (confident) fingers crossed it would be a non issue by then.
After all that, sale fell through at last minute. How we laugh about it now.