To want more?

[Elderflower80s]

DP and I have been together 2.5 years, both have kids (9, 8 & 6) from previous marriages. I have my kids 100% of time as sole parent. We’re planning on moving in together later this year. My son, (9) initially positive about DP and his DS, has recently taken against them very strongly as he realised their significance to our lives. This is not uncommon & is understandable I know, albeit not easy to deal with. He protests with v regressed behaviour if they come around — screaming at times, talking in baby voice, ignoring DP’s son (8), in order to put him off. He may be autistic and is on wait list for assessment. DP started staying the night 1-2 nights per week on his own at ours recently. He held off for this long out of sensitivity to the kids but I pushed us to try it. DS reacts by coming into our room at 5am and shouting as he clearly doesn’t want DP in my bed.( My daughter is happier with the situation). DP has reacted by not staying overnight at mine anymore, not meeting up with us with his son and only seeing me on my own after my kids are asleep or if I have kids. Somehow he thinks it’ll still be fine to live together but not progress towards it in the meantime. He forgets to include me and my kids when his extended family have parties and I have pushed to progress things at every stage. I’m not sure what to do or how to see it. He emphasises he wants to be with me and live together but that we shouldn’t give ourselves extra stress at the moment with the way my son has been reacting.

I think it's dead in the water op

Sorry

I don’t think your son is ready for this change. I would prioritise him feeling 100% at ease in his own home and hold off on progressing the relationship until he’s ready.

Why do you need to live together?

@Whattodo2024 because we want to?

@Didimum Yes, the difficulty is that DS is of a character where this is unlikely to ever change, with any partner. He was like this also with his Dad & me. He is very possessive of me. Added to which he finds change very difficult. So it’s finding the balance between not going too fast for him, but also not deciding that I won’t have a relationship,

It’s not that you can’t have a relationship, it’s just that your relationship can’t look traditional at this point. Your son should come first, and it sounds as if your partner isn’t happy with it either. If your son is unlikely to change then I’m not sure your partner sounds as if he’ll come around to this either.

There’s no need to be hostile here, OP. This is a valid question considering the challenges you are up against. Parents can ‘want’ to do a lot of things.

@Didimum Im sorry, this was not meant to be hostile, I think I’m feeling pretty fraught this evening with the situation, in addition to parenting a very challenging child on my own. But it was a direct question, and I gave a direct answer. I do think the situation is complex but that the desire is simple and that it is ok to want to blend families.

I can see why your DP doesn't want to move forward, no one wants to be woken up at 5am being screamed at, and he has his own child to consider of course.
I don't see a way for you to move in together for the time being, can you not imagine yourself being happy without living together?

@Dotdashdottinghell In all honesty I don’t know whether I can see myself happy not living together as the time we get together is just a couple of hours 9-11pm after my kids are asleep when we’re both tired. This is because I’m sole parent of my kids. But I do see that this doesn’t mean that living together is the right thing either.

My sd was very like this with her Mum. To the point if mum dates now she now threatens sh or worse, it's become a vicious circle and mum is very lonely and unhappy with a now young adult who is controlling the whole house.
Your dp needs to start moving forward if you want to live together. We did it very slowly by staying a night, then a few more until when we told the children we were going to live together their response was they thought we already did

And yet merely a week later, you’ve just bought a house together?

This is so hard. I'm a lone parent too and I get it. I've got one DC who would have loved another parent and kept pointing out friendly men who would make good husbands for me and another who told me he would kill himself if I moved a man in. I came to the conclusion it wouldn't be good for either of them to try. It's unfortunate, but it sounds like you need to dial back your plans. Not least because it will be hell for you if you proceed and your son carries on like this. It's hard enough blending a family without that extra issue. Have a browse of the stepparenting board on here, enjoy dating him, and prioritise your kids for now. It's not forever.

@TreesWelliesKnees

Too late. They have bought a house together. 🙄