Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

We never gave our children the option. We always put the youngest closest to our room and the eldest furthest away. Age order in a line for the rest. Of course, if there was an older one who had a need to be closer, we'd have adjusted. In this case, it sounds like you DSS needs it most as he's having some separation issues. Your DS will adjust and learn that life doesn't always give us what we want.

This. If only a few weeks ago your son wouldn't even tolerate or meet the 8 yo, why would you contemplate moving in. What will you do if he says he doesn't want the 8 yo staying over? Will you expect the 8 yo not to?

They either share it..or dd has it.

Me too. Only 11 days ago, living together was only an idea, one that OP’s son (who was not diagnosed as autistic then), was strongly against / not ready for, caused a major deterioration in behaviour, started being very hostile towards the other child and the DP for his part dealt with it by sneaking around at night and avoiding OP’s child. But the new house is bought. It beggars belief.

I'd give the room to SS and work with DS to turn the other room into a completely ASD friendly room. If it's big enough you can make a cosy sleeping area and a sensory area aswell. I'd be getting DP to work on the co-sleeping right now though because it'll be hard and no time like the present. Get him to make SS's bedroom more interesting with posters/lights etc. And I've previously used a bit of bribery if I have to.

This - but each child could have a say in how their individual room is decorated?

I think how long you’ve been blended plays a part. So many people on the put the kids first. If you’ve been together and blended for 5+ years that’s more than enough time for adjustment and a frank conversation needs to be had. Any less then maybe wait a little

@Elderflower80s

Sorry, questions:
How long have you been together?

Are all the children happy with this move? Do they all get on?

Is this house a done deal?

Where do you all live now?

Gently, this is a very clear sign that not everyone in your family is ready to blend, even if you and your DP feel ready. I'm not saying never, but I think you need to be realistic that six months is not going to be long enough to unpick and address what sounds like some complex stuff.

I'm always one for kids not being disadvantaged but it seems DS having the coveted room is the fairness here. It is his only room, 7 nights a week. DSS has 2 bedrooms and will only be using the room 3 nights pw so for 4 nights it's empty.

I know people will come me about not the DSS fault parents split up etc and I agree but it's also extremely unfair that the room they both want is sitting empty 4 nights a week and considering her so has ASD that will be very difficult for him to understand.

I think rather than focusing on the bedroom may DP needs to look at reassuring DSS regarding the attention thing and maybe try and so more 1:1 things with him to let him know he isn't being pushed aside.

This.

Admitted I have not and will not ever have a boyfriend with children, like you have OP, but why do you and your boyfriend have to move in together at all. So bad for all these children, just put them first,

Is you all moving in together in the best interests of the children?
It just sounds like at least two of them will really struggle and suffer.

Judging by your other post, they're clearly not ready to blend. Why are you forcing this on them?

Give it to the DD. Simple solution and explain to them that it was because they were arguing about it. They need to learn, autistic or not, that they don’t get their own way.

I would give step son the room, it will allow him the space needed to get some independence but also feel close to his dad, hopefully meaning that dad doesn’t have to spend too many nights in his room. Does your son have any special interests? I would incorporate one into the decoration of the other room. Add lots of textures into the room with blankets, pillows etc. sensory lights are a huge hit with my son. You could also create a sensory den, a mid-sleeper would work great for this.

Give it to dd as the youngest should perhaps be nearest.

You put the 6 year old in that room.
She may not want it but she’s young enough to manipulate with promises of decorating and a nice duvet set.
Seriously, be parents and make the decision.

Hi Op,

Haven't RTWT but have read your answers. How about a double bed in the big room that SS then has. DP can jump in and out with him when he's there and sidestep the prob for a while - SS will be happy to have time with just his dad. then. In a couple of years SS will be happier without - and if he's not there you have a 'spare room' with double bed.

We moved into a newv(to us) house just before lockdown. I had planned to put my DTs in together and have the loft conversion as a spare room, but we saw lockdown coming and let one of the DT1 have it so they all had their own space (it's bigger than other rooms and has own bathroom), but on condition he let it be used if we had relative stay after lockdown. the condition calmed the other DCs down about it.

You can make the other room feel cosy and enclosed with furnishings - you can't make it nearer your room though.

So I think SS should get it, and you agree with DS that you will work to make a lovely space for him - show him some ideas on Pinterest of enclosed spaces within bedrooms.

I would discreetly try to sell the other room to your son. Point out all the advantages such as more space for more things etc. Suggest things you can add to it to make it more cosy. Hope that he will start feeling this is a better choice but let him decide that on his own. A bigger room is much better as they get older.
If that fails, your husband can start off sleeping in the room with his son when he stays with you. Not ideal, but he will probably grow out of it, these things do not usually last forever.
If both those options are no good you will either have to draw for it or tell them that you will have to give it to your daughter if neither of them can accept the other bigger room.

Agree with this - with the right bed and trimmings you can make a very cosy bedroom for your DS in the bigger one. Show him some pictures?

I would have never given the choice. When we moved my kids got the biggest 2 rooms and step kids the other two, as they are here much less. Then we worked out in each pair who had the biggest room at their other home and reversed it. So the youngest of all our kids has the biggest room and the eldest the smallest.

Kids who are there all the time should always be prioritised.

I think DSSs reasons are more justified to be honest. He feels an emotional need to be close to his father and that's understandable given what you've said.

I can't decide if I would draw straws or if I would use it as a good lesson for DS to understand that even though we want things sometimes other people need them more. It is a standard part of life to give things we want to other people becuase it means more to them than us.

I'd let your son have the room. He is the oldest and there the most often.

Put a double bed or pull out bed in step sons room so dad can stay with him if that is needed for a short time.

Would it work to have them share the room by having just their beds in there and the other room could have all their wardrobe, books, drawer, toys etc