Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

Is there a bedroom each for all 3 children? If so, if they both want one room and can't both have that room, then I'd say neither get it and they have to pick one of the other two.

I think you need to address why your dss feels he needs to be near his father first.

I don't think it's going to be smooth sailing with both the boys and their competing needs over the room. I'd give the room to the third dc and not let either boy get it as it will just set the whole tone wrong for moving in.

What is your dp doing to address his sons separation anxiety?

What can you do to support your son with this new change and room?

Get them to toss a coin or cut the cards to see who gets it.

Unless it’s a mansion, I’m guessing neither room will be more than a stride or two away from your and DPs room!

Agree this does not bode well for future harmonic cohabitation.

Can you share? one gets it for 6 months then they swap?

DS gets the room and SS gets another room but his dad sleeps in other room with him when he is staying?

This neither boy gets the coveted room!

You make the rules. Not them. Give it to DD.

I’d give it to your son who is autistic and likes the safe feel if the room. Your step sons dad can explain that to him. At 8, his son should be able to understand autism if it’s explained in a child friendly way.

Does the DD even want the room? Is it fair shes punished as the boys can't agree?

*OF the room

Surely the dc who has the room the most gets it?

I’d give it to your son who is autistic and likes the safe feel of the room. Your stepson's dad can explain that to him. At 8, his son should be able to understand autism if it’s explained in a child-friendly way.

This

The alternative - the six year old gets it - won't necessarily work with an inflexible autist.

I think the child who will be using the room the most gets it...which sounds like it will be your ds? His autism also makes it important imo. Like a pp said, unless it's a mansion, surely the other room can't be much further from you and his dad's room? I'd add some sweeteners though to ss for getting a different room though...maybe some extra nice furniture or lights, decorations etc

Why did they get the choice? When I moved I told my 3 kids which room was whose- middle child got the ensuite. I would never have given them the opportunity to choose that is asking for problems!

Now you are here though who is at home the most? Give it to them.

How often is step son staying?

I think the compromise is dad sleeps in with his son when he visits OP. You'll be able to cope with that for a bit until this separation anxiety is dealt with and the bairn feels more secure.

I really don't think it's fair an 8 yo gets to start a new chapter in their life with the caveat 'you don't matter, what your step sibling wants will always take precedent'.

I don’t think giving into to his demand is the answer. Questions need to be asked to solve it. Does he sleep with mum? what causing his unsettlement to sleep away from dad? Does he currently sleep in another room or with his dad? Is it just he wants his dad and cannot share? Is he having irrational thoughts such as if he has his dad SM doesn’t and she’ll eventually go away? Only ask because my SS got into his mind if his dad married me, his mum wouldn’t be his mum anymore which of course is not true but that’s what he came to. Conversation can fix this.

I wonder if the SS is autistic too…

Give the room to 6 year old

What is the layout of the house? How many bedrooms are there? Did DD give an opinion? How often are they all there?

Why do they think this is their decision? Surely - as the adults - you decide who gets which room?

Is your stepson there all the time, OP?