Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

What would help is if in DSS new room you can put a spare bed up for DH so they can have a little mini sleepover till he gets used to it

Because after all he wants the room nearest his dad so this answers that issue

DH can go back to your room if he's still awake and DSS has fallen asleep

The issue isn't the room

It's being near his dad

He wants more time with his dad

I also agree with @Ihatethenewlook but would have worded it less aggressively.
Your dss is saying quite clearly that his place within his fathers new family feels unsecure and challenging for him.
I wonder how we would react if we realised that our dad was now going to be spending the whole week, every week with his partners kids and not him. And to
top it off he will be sleeping with the partner and not him.
What an absolute shame for that child.
Your children on the other hand get another adult in their lives but your attention and time with them
is not diluted at all.
Please consider this carefully as your dss now has 6 months to work on feeling rejected and worthless.
I work in CAMHS and it breaks my heart listening to these kids who feel/ are tossed to the side for new families.

Either give the room to your DD or tell them if they both want it then they will have to share the room.

I'd sit both boys down and explain when 2 people want the same thing one boy will be disappointed. Then I'd ask them if they'd agree to tossing a coin for it. If they agree I'd say one boy is heads and one tails. Throw the coin up high and see how it lands. Give room to winner.

except that I wouldn’t want DSS to feel hard done by if my DS gets the room, which I think he will.
Why ?
The location of the room can't be changed, but the layout can. Why can't you make the other room cosy with a bunkbed, tent type sleeper?
if this is the start of how you work things out with the dc which is 'my children live here permanently you don't so what they want they get' and your partner goes along with it, that's awful from both of you.

Put up a partition, false wall type thing to make the other room smaller for DS. Or use IKEA kallax filled with stuff in boxes to divide off an area to make it cozy.

SS is going to need the smaller room. He's not just sharing a home with new people, he's facing the prospect of you and DP being a couple. A situation that to an extent is going to exclude him - ie he's not going to be there in the centre of your bed all night! He's feeling insecure and although it's obvious to you what moving in together meant, it wasn't obvious to this 8yr old. He needs time to adjust. He hasn't even adjusted to his own parents splitting up if he chooses to bed share with DP instead of having his own room. He needs some compassion.

The only issue DS has with the other room is the size/feel of it and those things can be changed. He doesn't need the smaller room.

This. Other thread has your ds unable to even meet the other boy or partner and is hostile to them, and the one who won't let you and partner share a bed. Why heap all the blame on the 8 yo In this post?

DSS gets the other room because it's bigger so can fit an extra bed in it so dad can snooze with him if needed - you'll need to sell it tomDSS and DS gets the snuggly room which is really important for ASD

Yes this.

It does not read like your families are ready to merge though.

I would move dss into the larger room with a bed for Dad. His separation anxiety needs to be prioritised over all else. Your partner needs to work on it, yes but not for a good long while after you have moved in.

This does not bode well op. They are already competing openly and you haven’t moved in yet. I would work on doing things together to bring them together. Camping trips, shared team sports like rounders and cricket , nothing individually competitive and make sure each child has plenty of quality one to one time. Don’t overlook your dd in all of this: I don’t envy you. It’s going to be really tricky,

If discussing a child at school or sleeping arrangements on a multi family holiday perhaps, but not a situation where he thinks he is being displaced by a new family.

your DP sleeping in with DSS is a terrible idea. This needs resolved before the move.

In this case siblings could easily fall out over this. My 2 dc always conflict. That's life. Talk to your dh. Decide between you.

Think 6yo needs to stop sleeping with his dad though.

Put twin beds in there and let them share. If it's a small room out bunk beds in.

One or both are bound to object and will choose another room.

.

I think it should go to your step son.

Think of it this way. His dad, your DP, is going to be living with your DS and DD full time. There’s a whole family dynamic there that he will have to drop in and out of.

He will probably be worrying about what if your DP prefers your children to him. It’s no wonder he needs a little bit of extra TLC and reassurance.

@Thedreamer28 you would do better to start your own thread

I'd go for step son getting the room because you can do things to another room to make it cosy, you can't make another room closer to his Dad.

Apologies I realised this. I have started my own thread now. Did it all wrong lol

This

Threads like this make me weep. Those poor children. All three of them.

The best solution to this is to maintain separate households where the children come first rather than the adults which is what you’re doing here.

Is the room big enough for two singles or bunk beds? I’d say they can both have the room and share, and then make one of the other bedrooms into a playroom/ den so that they still have separate spaces they can retreat to. Either they’ll be happy sharing or one will likely decide actually he’d rather a different room anyway.

I haven’t seen your other thread so there might be more to it, reading some of the other comments it sounds like this might not be the right time for your family to be blended (if you’re early enough in the buying process then is it possible to pull out and review the situation in a couple of years- at that point your DS/SS might have very different needs, SS will be more independent and is unlikely to still be sharing a room with his dad when he starts secondary school. The time in between could be used to make the transition to a blended family much more gradual).

But if you do need to move now then there could be few solutions depending on the particular individual needs of both children:

• Ensuring that your SS knows he will still get 1:1 time with his dad. Have his dad talk to him about his concerns and reassure him about how he will fit into the new arrangement (he sounds incredibly anxious so it might be worth having some therapy sessions to help with this).
• Having space for dad to have a bed in the new room (the move to dad sleeping in with you when SS is there is going to need to be very gradual and definitely shouldn’t coincide with moving house/blending families, these are already massive and stressed changes, suddenly stopping him sharing a room with his dad is likely to make the transition even harder and exacerbate his anxiety). I’d maybe suggest to SS that the bigger room would be better for him because then it will have room for a sofa/day bed that dad can use (which he can then use as a seating area when he’s ready for dad to sleep elsewhere).
• Or you could work on making the bigger room more suitable for your DS’s needs. There are enclosed beds designed for ASD children that might work to make the room feel more secure and cosy (like this: https://safespaces.co.uk/safespace/). Depending on your DS’s individual needs could you help him to visualize how the room will work for him (decor, having space for special interests/collections, soundproofing etc).
• I don’t think that room sharing is likely to work for either child. They’ll both need their own space to feel secure and comfortable- having to move in with another child is likely to just add to to stress and create additional conflict/tension/anxiety (especially because it doesn’t sound like they’re particularly close and there are attachment/anxiety issues and neurodiversity involved).