Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

Op is this thread really because you think ds should get the room?

Without doubt, this.

Lots of these conversations should have been had sooner.
Listen but make it clear that the final decision is with you and DP (and take equal responsibility for that).
Is there a room which is big enough for bunks? So maybe Dad could sleep in with him occasionally while he's getting used to the new house? Springing it on him at this stage that part of the deal with the new house is a sleeping arrangement that's really really different to what he's used to or expecting is a recipe for disaster.

Your post from a week ago paints a very different picture. Your dp is not keen to move ahead with moving in together because of the issues with your son - you say you are pushing all the time. And the nights your dp stays at your house on his own that your son comes into the bedroom at 5am screaming.
I think you know that this is going to go pear-shaped at some stage. Have you really bought a house?

I would have introduced it as "this is the kitchen, this is the bathroom, this is your room x, and this is your room y". No debate.

Make the small room a cosy sleep room only.
Search for a corner bunk - the bunks are 90 degrees.
Or find other beds that work - even two camp stretchers.
Incluude a string of red light.
The boys will love sharing.

Make the larger room their play room and storage for extra clothes etc..

@user1492757084
The op states that sharing is not an option. Her own 9 year old son is autistic and inflexible. Her dp's 8 year old son is shocked that his father will be sharing a bed with the op and not with him.

I like the idea of making it a sleep room for both boys. Dss will feel better not sleeping alone. The other room for toys and clothes etc. Then they both win and the move starts off happy!

But sounds like from a previous post there are a lot more issues than this post. If you can stay living seperate whilst they get dealt with I'd advise that. Step parenting is really hard, let alone with other underlying issues such as a dss with separation anxiety.

I agree. If he has separation anxiety, then that needs careful navigating, as well as your db with autism. I don't think it matters who stays the most. If that's your children, you ss may already feel outnumbered. If he and his dad have co-slept until now, it will feel horrible for him. So many changes, new house, step-siblings, step-mum, routines etc. That's a lot for an 8 year old to take on, especially if he is already showing signs of anxiety.

Perhaps, if possible, rethink the move for now. Or, can you make the other room more cosy for your db, if he just wants it beacuse it feels cosy, I'd focus on making it a lovely, safe space for him.

Thanks for all the responses. DD definitely doesn’t want the room. Agree it was a mistake to offer choice — it wasn’t really planned that way, they all started ardently talking about which rooms when we went to see the house, but I agree it would have been better not to let that happen.

DSS will be there 3 nights per week. My kids there all the time. None of the rooms are far from each other so I think DP could possibly work on reassuring his son, and also offering to sleep in his room the nights he is there, at least in the start, except that I wouldn’t want DSS to feel hard done by if my DS gets the room, which I think he will. Yes, DP working on the underlying feelings with DSS, who was able to say that he fears my kids will take attention away from him. There is a separate underlying separation anxiety issue which precedes all this, though, which I think is shared by DP. His son has never had a babysitter, for instance (including relatives). And it’s a major change for sure for everyone to be coming together.

Also, we’re not moving immediately. Looking at Aug or Sep probably, but neither DSS or my DS are ones to let something drop!

You say you have just bought a house. Are you waiting 6 months to move in?

Anxiety seems just as important to have empathy as autism.

I think it's quite important not to allow autism to rule every decision. If your child really can't cope then I am not sure a blended family will work. Every child in the family has needs, anxiety deserves to me met with understanding too

I agree. Both boys seem to be saying this is not the right time

I also don't understand why you and DH didn't anticipate this and agree the rooms in advance rather than letting two children battle it out?

Would the bigger bedroom offer options of building in a bed for your DS, to get a cosier feel in the room? Maybe him sleeping in a lower bunk. Generally, a bigger room would offer more layout choices and be better for a child who is living there all the time. Hope you can resolve it.

I don't think k your son should automatically get it. Both have emotional needs, and you saying your son's emotional challenges matter more than his sons, isn't fair. He is there pretty much 50/50, it's not an EOW scenario. Either they share, or they have to roll a dice/ draw lots- something fair to both.

Either they share, or they have to roll a dice/ draw lots- something fair to both.

One of them is 8 with severe separation anxiety. The other is an autistic 9 year old.
Do you really think rolling a dice is a solution?
Maybe the adults should decide that now is not the right time to move in together.

I don't know about OP DS, but there's no way my Autistic DS could do this. He also went for the smaller room that's near his parent in both houses. But ths competing needs of my DC aren't complicated by either being a step child so I could tell them how the houae was going to be set up.

Both DS and DSS have important and valid need for the room. Moving in together plus Dad not sleeping with him is 2 giant overwhelming changes for an anxious child. Im not sure why either of you thought that would ever work. If you're moving in together DSS needs to have his Dad sleeping in his room until he's ready to make that change. You need to do everything you can to minise change.

@SD1978 I haven’t stated this, and don’t think this.

@StSwithinsDay Yes. House is having work done on it.

@Delphiniumandlupins Thank you, I think that’s a really helpful idea to try to work on my with DS: making the other room feel safer and cosier.

@Ihatethenewlook I think the way you have written this post makes it an unnecessarily hostile and personal attack, and that posts like these can make Mumsnet feel an unsafe and hostile place, rather than a supportive forum where differences of opinion can be discussed safely and productively.

Are there any other rooms close to the master bedroom? Wouldn't have to be a bedroom, you could repurpose something else.

It doesn't sound like the boys are ready to move in together, but it sounds like you've already bought a place. I think its too late to have just one of you move in to it, not when the kids are all expecting to, but you need to find a way to minimise the other changes and their effect on your kids.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness
thanks, yes, we’re looking at this too. There is another bedroom though smaller than all the others, so not ideal.

Tell them the only way is to draw out of a hat. Put several slips in, many blank, and they can both put their hands into the hat at the same time so there is no advantage. At some point someone will get the slip with bedroom x written on it. Then it’s a fine deal according to that and was entirely fair with no favouritism appearing to have been shown. Them just deal with any fallout accordingly but stand firm.

Whoever lives there permanently should get first choice of bedroom

If I were your DS and wasn't allowed to get the room even though I lived there permanently I'd secretly hate you forever

Petty

But these things stick in your head forever