Moving into 1st house together: SS and DS can’t agree on bedrooms

[Elderflower80s]

We’ve just bought our first house for us all (one SS age 8, my DS age 9 and DD (6) to move into for the first time. We haven’t moved in yet but went to see the house. Kids were saying which bedrooms they want and both DS and SS are fighting over a particular room. It’s not the biggest or best but it is the closest to our room. SS insists he needs to be close to his Dad. When staying with his Dad up to now he has slept in his Dad’s bed most of the time and rejected his own room, and was shocked to learn his Dad would be sharing a room with me, not him.
Meanwhile DS is autistic and very inflexible. He likes the room as it has a cosy, enclosed feel to it. Both boys are having meltdowns at the prospect of the room not being theirs. Sharing not an option, it’s a small room. So far neither can be tempted by the option of the other bigger room. Don’t know how to resolve it. Feels not a great footing to get off to.

Next thing the op will be pregnant.

You have a far bigger problem than who gets which bedroom. IMO if you press ahead with ‘blending’ you are heading for disaster. It sounds to me as if you are the only one who is pushing for it. Even your partner sounds ambivalent. For goodness sake think before you damage these poor children even more.

I also like the idea of making the biggest room into 2 smaller rooms with an Ikea Kallax.

What @TwoCoffeesPlease said

And @DisforDarkChocolate I'd go for step son getting the room because you can do things to another room to make it cosy, you can't make another room closer to his Dad.

id let DSS have the room nearest his Dad & kit DS's room out to feel cosy & safe for him.

but that's with what you've written on THIS thread, I have no idea what's been said on other threads.

I would have ask, though, what you mean by 'permanently?'

Does DS visit his own other parent on weekends/weeknights, or is her there fulltime with OP?

@Elderflower80s
Absolutely this.
(Let all of the kids have input in deigning their new rooms to help this move be a positive experience).

But particularly for your DS in respect of the larger, seemingly less cosy (for now) room..
It could be a wonderful experience for DS to be instrumental in transforming that blank canvas into a personalised space as his heart desires, & being larger there's scope to have different zones with cosy snugs should he wish, and areas for his personal interests/projects/schoolwork that has scope to evolve as he grows up - particularly being in this home most frequent. **

This also respects your DSS's more secure feeling being in the room physically closer to his father in this new environment during a period of great change, in which he is otherwise sorely out-numbered and 'part-time'.
You are fortunate that he has actually opened up and voiced his reasoning, as it gives you a very doable way of helping him continue to feel connected and settled in this new dynamic going forward.

**PS: (If DS doesn't chose to have different zones of his own, perhaps you could section off an area for use as a study/hobby room, or long-term even borrow space for additional bathroom or ensuite?)

It feels like the only reason DSS wants the room is proximity to Dad.

So how about letting him know that Dad will sleep in his room with him for as long as he needs - but to do that it has to be one of the larger rooms so that you can get two beds in there.

You can sell it to DSS that in the future having two beds will mean it's easier for him to have sleep overs etc with friends.

DSS will most likely grow out of feeling clingy to Dad - but your DS is less likely going to grow out of the need for a space that makes him feel safe.

This is so true my parents moved to the hose I didn’t like compared to the one my sister didn’t like I spent my entire teenage years punishing them

Yep.

@Elderflower80s the bedrooms are not your most pressing problem. Reading your posts on this thread and on your previous thread,your autistic child is already showing signs of not coping with your DP and his son, and that's before you even move in together.

Added to that your DP's son also has complex needs which need addressing. Trying to put these children together (not to mention your daughter) in a blended family will be hugely problematic and is likely to end up tearing you apart.

You are trying to move too fast too soon. Your respective children are not ready to blend, and won't be for some time.

If SS is only there 3 nights a week surely it's a no brainer and your son gets his room of choice. SS has 2 rooms.

A meltdown is an autistic response to overwhelming stress or sensory stimuli. It is not a tantrum and they should never be used as synonyms. Given that at least one of these children is autistic the usage may be entirely appropriate.

because indulging child for no logical or necessary reason is pandering!
child not wanting to be on a completely separate floor to his dad is understandable and sympathetic. Refusing a room because it takes 4 seconds to get to his dads bedroom rather than 2 is not, and OP/his dad would be giving into him because he's making a fuss, rather than because he has any real reason.

Having read the referenced other thread, honestly neither boy sounds remotely ready for a blended family. This has disaster written all over it.

@easylikeasundaymorn
And what about the op’s 8 year old who arrives into her bedroom at 5am screaming when her partner stays the night? How do you suggest she deals with that?
In fairness to her dp he at least is taking on board the fact that both children have issues and is trying to pull back on ‘blending’. The op is pushing him to do the opposite.

Why is a parent's wish for a live-in partner more important than their child's well-being, though? And why is moving in with someone the only way to "move on"? If someone doesn't have a live-in partner until their children grow up, why does that mean they haven't "moved on" from their child's father?

I’ve just seen the other thread. @Elderflower80s you need to rethink this move.

I haven’t read the whole posts, just the OPs but since you are having work done could you build in a fitted bed into the larger room, that way it would have the cosy enclosed space that your son would like. Google fitted bed, bed nook or bed alcove.

The advantage of it being a bigger room is before long (really the blink of an eye) you will have a teenager who will need study space etc…

If budget permits then you could do something similar for both boys to make them both feel included and that is is their new home. Which might also help with the anxiety. Make having his own room a real treat and not being separated for his dad.

One question - does you SS sleep in his own bed at his mums or does he cosleep with her as well? If he shares her bed then you might have more difficulties getting him to sleep on his own and might need a joined up approach with everyone involved.

names in a hat? Drawing a straw? I don’t think it’s worth trying to decide which child is more deserving over the other. Just do luck if the draw and stick with it. Sometimes we get what we want in life, sometimes not. At least this way it is down to luck and the adults can’t be accused of favouring anyone

@easylikeasundaymorn

tgats mean. He's missing his Dad, the 'steps' & OP will be living with His Dad, he normally sleeps with his Dad, but has just been told that will be changing too. He's only 8 and being in the room that shares a wall with his Dad is all he's asking for in this situation he doesn't want, is not a big ask, it's not 'pandering' to allow him that, when this situation is not what he asked for or wants. Why shouldn't he have the room?

I think your DS should get the room. Your SS should be perfectly capable of understanding that a) he's only there 3 nights a week and b) he isn't autistic, which means your DS has greater need of the room he wants.

DS is there all the time unlike SS. DS should have the bedroom. Why does SS at 8 have to sleep with his dad? Id be more worried about that

@gemma19846
Because he has severe separation anxiety.
Because his father has moved in with the op and her children.
Also, the op has said in another thread that her own son is not happy either - when her dp stays overnight, her child comes into her bedroom at 5am screaming. Should she not be worried about that too?