I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Yeah that’s the only reason I’m here. In fact i signed up to mumsnet after lurking for years because i am appalled. Did not know it was a board for step mums, just saw the trending post and was frankly disgusted.

So, in order to be fair; you also think the mother of this child should also get therapy and stop using her son as a weapon against her ex? And if she doesn't or "can't", then she should lose custody/relinquish custody of her son altogether?

Or is it only the OP who gets to "straighten up and fly right or fly the coop" and the bitter, nasty ex, who is using her son as a weapon, gets a pass because she is "the mother"?

Most people who are questioning the OP have the DSC at heart, they find the vitriol aimed at 8yo pretty horrific. I would feel the same whether it was stepmum, mum, stepdad, dad or any other adult involved with this child.

The OP will have another baby, perhaps a girl who will be the new favourite.

I think I’d quite like another boy 😍

What do you mean their own agenda? At beginning of the thread people were trying to empathise with the OP. Then she came back and each time the comments about the stepson were worse and more nasty.

The OP doesn't seem to want to resolve this at all - she just wants to keep nurturing the hatred she has for her stepson.

Personally, I find it really upsetting. It's time for me to step away from it I guess.

But really it makes no sense to say that nobody is helping with another thread that has less than one fifth of the number of posts. I looked at it and that situation is awful too.

There are plenty of good stepparents around - this isn't bio parents vs stepparents. Sadly,
The way the OP talks about her son though, it seems as if she pits them against each other

You are quite mad

I think I’d quite like another boy 😍

God forbid it's a girl then.

Posters are suggesting therapy for the OP as her hatred is directed at the DSC after having a traumatic birth and first few days of her baby’s life. Before that she seemed to welcome DSC in her life, so the vitriol now aimed at the child seems to be linked. I can understand her being angry with the mum and her MIL (and DH) but not the level of anger towards a child

I agree it’s horrible and misplaced but, having experienced the dynamics first-hand of ineffectual parenting and a difficult ex I understand (not condone) how OP has got to this point. People calling OP vile aren’t saying anything that will help this child in the long run.

And the reason these kind of threads in the step-parenting section come up in trending is because there is a certain group of vultures circling ready to pile onto someone who is struggling. If they were as enthusiastic about andvising other OPs whose DSC clearly need help then those threads would no doubt turn up in trending too.

Yes i agree fully that she should get therapy and stop manipulating her son and putting him in the middle. IF his SM didn't hate him I'd think DSS would be better off with his SM and Dad and Mum having eow type access too.
I think the mum is a nasty piece of work and the Dad isn't blameless here either. The only person we can engage with here is the OP, the only person's actions OP can control is her own. She indicated she wanted to change in the OP. She needs help and support to work through this. 3 years of growing hatred doesn't disappear on its own. She needs therapy and I stand by the fact that it is not ok for a child to have to live with someone who hates them and thinks vile things about them like its their fault their mum doesn't love them enough.
ETA: please note I said thinks vile things about them, I dont think OP is vile, but i do think she needs to take responsibility for where she is and deal with the issue before jt seriously harms a little child.

And with the OP’s latest response, do you think she really cares about changing her attitude to the DSC.

Mind I would love to see how she copes with sibling rivalry between her 2 children if she had another child.

I think it's a given most sane posters would like to see all three adults who are failing the child receive therapy to resolve the issue.

However, there is no route to suggest that to the child's mother and/or. father via this thread so your 'point' is a redundant one as the only person with agency to accept such advice is the OP

Additionally any suggestion the father assumes full custody of the child would horrify the OP who already hates on an eight-year-old for stealing eight days per month of HIS FATHER'S time.

The laughing face emoji says it all.

Actually I don’t, and now suspect we’re all being wound up tbh. But it doesn’t change the fact that people were piling on before her updates with zero understanding of what it can be like being a step parent with a Disney dad and/or a difficult ex and the pile on is something I see played out time and again on this board driving away people in genuine need of advice.

Maybe he is a wee shit, it doesn't actually matter, it doesn't make OP hating him ok. If this were her child I would still say she needs to get therapy and fix things. And yes when the vitriol started spewing out into words and behaviour I would also say that her child might be better off seeing her a lot less. Its not ok to make a child live in a home where he is hated, there is no justification for that and as an adult OP needs to deal with those things she can change and effect. This boils down to working on her own issues and talking to her DH about creating and keeping agreed boundaries. She cant make her DH step up, she can only talk to him about his EXs behaviour and try and get him to see her needs. The only person she has control over is herself.

What you're referring to as a pile of is a simple and natural reaction from adults when presented with an adult actively loathing / scapegoating an eight year old.

The fact it's a blended family dynamic is neither here nor there insofar as I'm concerned. ANY adult expressing those views, regardless of family dynamics/history, would have received the same response from me.

It might be a simple and natural reaction but is it helpful to the child? There are plenty of posters, myself included, who have said to OP that DSS is not at fault and her frustration is aimed at the wrong person and that’s what she needs to unpick. We don’t have to call her names to express the fact that we don’t condone the situation. Name calling just makes posters either leave the thread or dig their heels in and where does that leave the poor child in the centre of all this?

Having said all that, in light of more recent updates I’m starting to think either OP won’t be receptive to useful comments because if she doesn’t laugh at those insulting her she’ll cry, or there’s some deliberate button-pushing going on (yeah I know this comment will be deleted even if this thread isn’t) so either way I am going to leave this thread now.

@NonPlayerCharacter I completely agree that there the seems to be a clear case of a scapegoate/golden child dynamic here. OP is adamant in heaping all the blame for the actions and outcomes of the adults in the family on an 8 years old, making him the scapegoat. OPs comments are very disturbing to read and I feel sorry for this child.

As a PP has pointed out, simply because some may message privately and secretly agree with this scapegoating does not make it right.

There was recently a thread on here about a step mum who broke free… loved that thread. Try to find it and read it, OP.

The way she feels may very well not be abnormal, but the way she is responding is awful. Beyond awful.

See: @SemperIdem’s post for the sort of person who is well and truly up to the task of step-parenting.

I get that some people empathise with a fellow step-parent. But it doesn’t follow that you have to empathise with every step-parent.

Surely we can all see this OP has zero self-awareness and insight, and actually doesn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy.

We only have OP’s word for it that the boy’s dm resents him and doesn’t want him around. If the dm was posting that on here we would say the same to her, but she isn’t.

I feel incredibly sorry for the little 8 year old boy. Imagine having a SM like that 😔

Oh, I agree that all three need therapy. But 99% of the attacks are against the OP and they ARE vile, nasty, disgusting and untoward.
Instead of trying to show an ounce of empathy towards the OP, it's all "leave and I hope the next SM is nasty to your child or is better than you." Who does that help.
As a PP said, there are a group of vultures who make sure certain "SM" threads are trending because they MAKE it trend with their vitriol against a SM who is struggling.
Personally, I don't think the OP hates her DSS at all. I think she is tired of having the ex take no responsibility towards her own child and using him as a weapon to get her "satisfaction" and control. I think OP is also angry that her DH is not setting boundaries and acceptable behavior expectations for his DS. But, instead of being mad at them, she is pushing it off on her DSS, because she isn't strong enough on her own right now to face two of the major players in this sad situation.
Everyone says the father should be spending every, single weekend with his older son. But at what cost to the younger one? I doubt he's spending quality time with his younger DS during the week if he works FT. So, if he is concentrating his attention on older DS on the weekend, when does the younger one get attention? Is he supposed to be happy with scraps because the "older one came first"?
I stand by the opinion that people enjoy attacking SM's when they have any kind of problem with their SC.

I read another thread where the SD broke a sibling's arm and did a lot of other nasty stuff and yet, the majority of posters were attacking the SM for not being more understanding/loving/caring/forgiving/excusing of the SD's behavior. They fail to realize that sometimes, kids are just bad. The news is full of them in the UK and USA. This isn't the case here, but it is the case in other instances and it's not always the SM's fault. In fact, some of them didn't even have a SM to blame all their faults upon.

OP is sounding more and more irrational and unwell tbh. If this is real, it’s telling that she places absolutely no blame for this situation on her DH. It almost sounds like she would rather leave the marriage than address the issue honestly. This smells of extreme bottled up people pleasing anger tbh. I feel really sorry for both kids.