I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

She said she felt bad about it then she went on justifying over and over why her position is ok and finished by saying this "also spot on that his mum doesn’t want him at the weekend. I wonder why*. Do you really think a child won't notice this level of hate? OP hasn't mentioned any developmental delays or learning difficulties, he's 8 not a baby. Do you think he won't notice how he's viewed?

I hate my SD. She's an adult. I wish she would just f off and leave us alone. I would be delighted if I never saw her again.

Do you really think a child won't notice this level of hate?

Not unless she's making it obvious with her behaviour and actions towards him. Step mothers that are struggling to bond with their steps are often told to just "fake it 'til they make it" and that's what they do.

The beauty of forums like this is that you can rant and rave and say everything you'd never say in person, and then go back to your normal life with no repercussions.

@IsPutinDeadYet there is a difference between struggling to bond and out and out hatred, which OP is demonstrating

Wow. You've managed to make yourself even more spiteful and vindictive.

The reason this is particularly disturbing to me is that the OP has explained how she used to really put herself out for her stepson to spend quality time with him but now he's the devil child and she hates him because she has her own child now. It smacks of narcissism because it makes zero sense.

I'm sure the other mother is annoying. I'm sure the stepson can be annoying. But that's just life. Children grow up quickly and if you're lucky, by the time they get to adulthood they love you back.

When children are treated badly, they believe it is their fault. But one day they grow up and see who was really to blame.

Also, some people do have PTSD after a traumatic birth. That would be understandable but if you realise that, get therapy - don't take it out on a defenceless 8 year old...

@holywow
So sorry you went through that op, people expect you to roll out the red carpet for dsc, bow down to them, and treat them like have came out of Buckingham Palace on these threads, cause the behaviour is never poor sc fault always a reason behind it, all in all while your own dc is put on the back burner. Always put your dc first cause no one else will book that holiday yourdh can fly back on the Friday to pick golden child up if he want you stay and enjoy time with ur son x

You think it makes no sense. I think it makes biological sense. The resentment kicks in when the realization kicks in that resources - money, daddy's time and attention, have to be shared rather than dedicated to one child.

This goes for both the step mother and the mother.

Cards on the table - I’m a step parent, 50:50 set up. I think my sdc’s mother is a terrible parent. Lazy, passive and combative in the worst possible ways. It really impacts their behaviour.

I can find it very, very challenging. I sometimes dread them coming home to us because their behaviour is so badly impacted. It’s a horrible feeling. It would be so easy for me to allow myself to see the children as the problem. But they are not, they absolutely aren’t. So I challenge their dad each and every time - address it himself, communicate with their mother, challenge her where necessary.

My relationship with them is good because I don’t allow myself to believe they are the cause of my frustration.

Anyone who thinks a child is to blame for their own behaviour is lacking in critical thinking skills. There are too many parents out there who believe that their child is there to validate them. To make them happy. Then they wonder why it all goes wrong…

if you have a stepchild then of course you should be willing to treat them as well as your biological children.

You think it makes no sense. I think it makes biological sense. The resentment kicks in when the realization kicks in that resources - money, daddy's time and attention, have to be shared rather than dedicated to one child

And? It makes biological sense for married people to sleep with their colleagues if they fancy them. Doesn’t mean they do it. Not unless they want to hurt people. Which is happening here.

Several pages back someone was scoffing at the idea that being a step parent isn't a privilege.

If you (general you) don't think being a part of the life of the children of the man you supposedly love isn't a privilege then, frankly, look elsewhere.

You think it makes no sense. I think it makes biological sense

That's only acceptable to say if you're sticking up for the step child though. God forbid a step mum point out that difficult feelings around sharing familial resources is natural and simple biology.

We are hard wired to protect our own DC from real or perceived threats to their well-being and security. Yes, as human beings we are (supposed to be) to be a civilised species but nature is still nature 🤷🏼‍♀️

The way OP feels is not abnormal. It might not seem very nice, but it's not abnormal.

I do think the fact the op’s step son’s mother never sees him on the weekend is bloody weird.

As well as having step children as mentioned in my previous post, I have my own child from my first marriage. Having real quality time, alongside having the mundane day to day is important to both me and her dad. We coparent extremely amicably.

I find it interesting that a number of posters are happily ripping into OP because their hearts are breaking for her poor DSS yet very few seem interested in helping the OP of a current thread who’s asking for help because her 9yo DSD is being subjected to abuse from her own mother. It’s not like this board is super-busy but for some reason the usual suspects never seem to see/very rarely comment on threads like that. Seems like these poor children are only deserving of advice and sympathy on the proviso that it also provides an opportunity to tell the world how awful the majority of step parents are.

Logical fallacy. I only see the threads I've posted on.

Whatever that thread is, it isn't on trending.

No most of those people expect her to be civil and not hate a little child she lives with, hardly a red carpet. That's the very least we should expect from an adult. Its sad you don't think a child has a right not to have to live with someone who hates them. A lot has happened, she might have PND, she might be traumatised, she might need her DH to step up more. She is not unreasonable to be upset by her DSS mum's behaviour. As an adult though if she is traumatised or struggling or has PND its her responsibility to do something about it and not use what's happened as an excuse to hate a child. Hate the 8 year olds mum, understandable, be pissed at his Dad because he won't set and enforce boundaries, understandable, feel vitriol for an 8 year old child and not do anything to fix it, not ok, not justifiable in any way shape or form.

There’s no logical fallacy in that comment.

How do you see the threads you post on, before you have posted on them initially?

Because they come up in trending.

The thing is what do you actually want to happen within this blended family scenario? You have not said.

But there are undisputed facts here. Your DH has a son from a previous relationship. The two of you have a son together now. At some point you are going to have to move past your baby son being born and in an emergency situation as he grows older.

What do you think is feasible going forward, accepting that your DSS is always going to be a priority and part of your DHs life and by extension yours? In exactly the same way as your joint DS is?

Of course you want to personally prioritise your own child, but your DH wants to do the same for both of his children. You even acknowledge that your feelings have changed since being pregnant and having your own child.

Your feelings towards your DSS really aren’t healthy as he’s a child displaying normal behaviour of a child that age whether you like it or not. But a child nevertheless.

If you actually told your DH your true feelings about all of this, how would he respond? If you reversed the roles in this situation hypothetically how would you respond?

You have to work with the people and situations that you have, so how is that possible going forward?

I haven’t seen that other thread. This one came up in trending so read it and commented on it

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness
Come on let's face it step kids are put on pedal stools on these threads, maybe he is horrible and a wee shit, some kids can be, even are own at times, but just because he's a step kid dosnt make it any different.

I wasn’t talking about you or I’d have quoted/tagged you. As a regular on the step parenting board for over a decade I recognise quite a few names of people who hang around just to have a go at step parents and/or the concept of blended families but never seem to post on threads where they could actually give some useful advice to benefit a child in a situation where it’s clear the step parent’s household isn’t at fault. I just think it’s sad that quite a few people clearly don’t actually have the children at heart when they post, just their own agenda.