I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

I've been there. I love my stepkids dearly and can't imagine my life without them and they are young adults now but between 8-9. I was at breaking point but time does pass quick and I'm pleased I persevered. It's hard enough when it's your own bio kids let alone children you aren't maternally attached to.

This! Imagine your DH has remarried. Now read your post and imagine his new wife has written it about your DS.

I agree with what others are saying. End your marriage. Your DH isn’t suddenly going to no longer want to see his DS.
It’s not fair on the child, and I’d hope your own son wouldn’t pick up on the way you feel about his sibling. He can have a relationship with him when he sees his dad.

Hopefully if your DH ends up in a new relationship, the new woman feels more kindly towards your DS…

Poor kid will feel all this off you bless. What a horrible attitude you knew about the child when you got with partner

I think that's very unfair on the child.

The 8 year old knows you hate him . Believe me even very young children know when they are resented .

Sounds like dh needs to be a bit firmer with dss if he is tormenting your joint son over his toys and his behaviours

Sleep. Maybe dh can sleep with his son one of the nights so you dont get disrupted

Maybe he wakes as misses him

What does he do at home with mum at night time

Why is he at yours every weekend

Try and do every other or 3/4 so you get at least one weekend just the 3 of you

Or do every Saturday 10 to Sunday afternoon so have Fridays /one evening to self

It's fine to go a holiday just the 3 of you tho sure May whoo disagree. As long as do still have a holiday for the 4 of you

And as other have said - if you split - it's possible ex dh will meet someone and they will the. Be step mum to your child and feel the same way you do ......

A ‘not very nice person’ wouldn’t acknowledge this and ask for help to resolve it.

OP. I think this is more a DH problem than a SC problem, you need to sit down with dad and come up with a plan to parent both children equally, the issue with 2 different types of parenting happening is it creates a divide, you need to be on a United front. I think if you solve that everything else won’t be such an issue. Also, he’s 8, 8 year olds are super annoying, it’s just a phase 😁

OP get out now before he gets older. Honestly you think it's bad now. My SD is an adult now and she is awful.

People can berate me all they want but my SD is a grown woman and I can't stand her. We don't all like everyone. Children included. Plenty of people dislike their friends children or their relatives kids. Certain kids are just obnoxious. But this one will impact your life for life. Are you really wanting to go any further when you're already at breaking point?

What a pile on! The poor woman is asking for advice.
As PP said, why is it every weekend? As his mum doesn’t get chilled out time with him either. I’d reduce that to EOW if possible, and his dad can take him for dinner in the week so you have some time to decompress at weekends too.

7/8 is a terrible age. They get much better

It’s very evident from her (very very long) rant that no amount of sitting down with dh to discuss something that she has felt for at least three years is going to be resolved. Many of us have that annoying 8 year old, but to say you can’t stand them is on another level. If a partner of mine indicated he couldn’t stand my 8 year old, he’d be out the door. Op just wants people to empathise and tell her she’s not a bad person, and that her reasons for not liking him are justified, I’m not sure she really wants advice or help. People telling her ‘he’s 8, 8 year olds are annoying. He’ll get better’ are not going to miraculously make OP like him again.

Can I have your stepkids mum's number.. So I can send her this post?

Leave, seriously leave your marriage. Your stepson deserves better than you

Sincerely - Someone who's Stepmother was you but fifteen to twenty years ago

@holywow Please read the post from @ChampagneBlossom44 Today 22:03

It shows the way forward for you all 🌻

OP, it’s tough being a step-parent. You have your lovely little family and then there’s this child, who’s not yours, not even biologically related to you, who ruins it. But the thing is, they ARE part of your family. If there’s any way you can change the way you think about it, and recognise that, it will help. If you can’t, you’re not alone. There are LOTS of step-parents who resent their DSCs… That doesn’t make you an awful person. But it doesn’t make you a great step-mum…
You are clearly worried about the impact your feelings might have on your DSC, and I think that’s positive. Can you speak to someone about this — a counsellor — so you can (as you say) begin to unpick your feelings? (I say all this as a step-mum who has sometimes found it near impossible; but my DSCs are now late teens and I love them both dearly.)

You chose a relationship with baggage. I wouldn't.

@idontlikealdi - "Baggage" Christ alive. Since when the fck was it okay to call a child baggage?

I have read all your replies and I will try to elaborate further and answer some questions. Can I just say at no point when writing my post did I expect sympathy or any understanding.

firstly when I met dh (when DSS was 2) I did not feel like this. I loved him and cared for him and made loads of effort. Me and DSS have done lots just the two of us in the past if ever dh had to do overtime on the weekend. We would do baking, park, days out, soft play, cinema, aquariums etc. I have taken him to swimming lessons, football club, class friends parties where his mothers friends would sit and stare at me but I did it because it was ‘our time’ so his mum wouldn’t do it and if dh couldn’t take him due to work then I would do it because we didn’t want him to miss out. So i haven’t always been the evil cow I seem to be now.

Without telling a long winded story, i pin point this resentment starting at the end of my pregnancy when I wasn’t well and the DSS mum kicking off about DH being in hospital with me one weekend rather than with DH. Then again when my DS was born and was in NICU and the ex told my DH she still expected him to pick DSS up and she didn’t give a toss our new baby was in intensive care because it was our turn to have DSS. And again when DS had to be admitted to hospital with breathing problems and MIL telling dh that he needed to leave hospital to collect DSS before he has another meltdown and the ex wife boots off.
that was when I started to think, why on earth are step children more important EVEN in these circumstances????

this seems to be the general opinion that step children are in god category and resident children just get the shit That’s left over. Also seems like because I wasn’t here ‘first’ me and my son aren’t as superior as DSS and his mum

Honestly, what the heck is wrong with you?
Are you jealous? Because have news for you that you better swallow PDQ. That little boy was here before you were. I hope he is the apple of his Daddy's eye. It is correct that the children (including your DSS) should come first, that is a sign of a good daddy.
If you didn't want this, why in the name of god did you get involved with a man who already had children?
Between the ages of 8-19 my stepmother made it very very clear that we were not wanted, it has destroyed my relationship with my dad and caused me great mental suffering.
Imagine if you divorce your husband, he gets a new wife and she makes your little boy feel how your DSS must feel?
Dreadful. Take a good long look at yourself and change your ways.

"this seems to be the general opinion that step children are in god category and resident children just get the shit That’s left over."

Fucking hell OP. "God category"? No, the general opinion is that children come first. All of them. Including the ones getting shunted around between several homes where they might have to live with a stepmother who hates them. You should leave.

As someone who has been the child in this scenario your DH needs to step up but also if you are resenting an 8 year old for how his dad and mum treat you then you need to leave.

Think about it from his perspective. At 2 years old having you come into his life and having to adapt when it would have been confusing. Now there's a new baby that you obviously prefer he has to compete with. It's pretty obvious he's trying to get attention and feels left out.

The things my step mum used to do to me... Honestly has given me issues later on life. I wish she would have left me alone.

It sounds as if you have become jealously territorial about your own child and competition with your DH’s eldest.

Had your SS been the child of both of you when you went through the stress of the birth difficulties and NICU your DH would have had to juggle two kids. His ex doesn’t have to facilitate relieving him of his parenting role just because his next child is with another mother!

If you want to save your marriage and the relationship you had with this little boy when he was younger, I would try counselling.

I agree with that.

OP, you cannot help how you feel, but staying in that environment is not going to improve anything for you or either child. I know leaving your home is not easy but please try to set the wheels in motion.

I hope people considering setting up home with someone who has a child or children, read this and think twice about it.