I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Because the child, who is above the age of criminal responsibility by the way, was abusive to my DS. If he did to a stranger what he did to DS they would be well within their right to press charges, which is what I'll be doing if he ever puts his hands on him again.

@IsPutinDeadYet and what did the dad do in this situation? Would you do the same if they were both your DC?

Please can you share details of the supportive SP group? PM me if you like so the vipers can't infiltrate!

He was told off and had a talking to.

Yes I would if it happened again.

What vipers or backlash, most of us have said that the adults are at fault and that at the heart of this are two children whose needs are not being met, and yes by failing the DSS the DS is also being failed.

that the OP also went through an incredibly traumatic experience and that she needs counselling because so much of this is caught up in that incident and she can’t move forward. Her reactions are understandable but they need to be addressed for everyone sake

my DS didn’t ask for a jealous big brother or a horrible ex dictating his life.

And whose choice was that?

Yeah my DSS didn’t ask for his parents to get divorced and for dad to start a new family, but my DS didn’t ask for a jealous big brother or a horrible ex dictating his life.

No, you did that to him, to be fair. You had a baby knowing full well what the arrangement was. Don’t try to blame a child.

Not a step daughter or first wife. I cannot believe what I've read on this thread! Rarely have I seen anyone be so horrible about an innocent child. The vitriol towards the ex is justified to a degree, she clearly has been very difficult and was, in particular, unsupportive during an objectively traumatic time. But DSS has done... nothing. Nothing to deserve this at all. It's not OP's DS who is losing out on anything here, it is her poor DSS, the actually vulnerable and hard done by child in this scenario. But of course she is totally blinded by PFB obsession and cannot begin to acknowledge how unfair she is being.

I think it verges on emotional abuse of the DSS.

It may be comforting to delude yourself that everyone who disagrees with you is a first wife or stepdaughter, but that is very much not the case. I'm my dad's second wife's daughter, actually! So in family structure, equivalent to your DS, @holywow

The problem is your husband's poor parenting! And possibly the mother too if they're not a united front for their child. How on earth do you not see that? You're really blaming a child for not acting like a mature adult who prioritises you!

Vipers?!?

Folk looking out for the welfare of an 8 year old are bitter vipers?

And the posters who don't give a shit about the 8 year old because he's not theirs are the ones on the right side of history?!?

Right.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.

Except from your posts on this thread, and certainly the OP’s,
you’re very much not perfectly fine with the reality of it, are you…..?!

For plenty of people, having kids is a deal-breaker, because we have the forethought to know that the idea and reality will be far apart.

Not a first wife/partner or step daughter, just a human being.

A forum dedicated to stepmums bitching seems ideal for you, if a bit dismal for humanity.

I can’t tell you the damage my son was caused by a similar situation. He’s nearly 30 and it’s fuck*d up his and my life in many ways. I’m sure your DH notices and every little look, sigh etc you do will chip away and him and if he’s got any sense he will leave anyway. Five years from now your 5yr old could be in the same situation with DH’s new partner. You don’t seem to want to change this, just justify it. Well nothing justifies being cruel to a child, nothing

And I'll bet anything that the step parents, like some previous ones on here, have decided for him that his childhood was fabulous and the problem is just that he is an inherently bad person.

It's really ironic what a childish/adolescent view it is.

lots of people have suggested therapy and I agree I need therapy. I also need to book an appointment with my GP. And have an honest conversation with my husband. So this is my plan moving forward

In all honesty I think you need to get out of this situation. Therapy will just paper over the cracks. Things won’t change until changes are made. You could build a happy life for you and your DS - The best therapy you could possibly get.

People will be here shortly to tell me that your DS might have a stepmum in the future who dislikes your DS if you do leave, but my answer to that is that you can’t let that thought hold you back. Staying in a toxic situation where you dislike your DSS and where the ex has complete influence over your life is not a happy home to be bringing your DS up in. He deserves a mum who is happy and who is not distracted by your overwhelming feelings of resentment towards your role as a stepmum.

Honestly OP I get everything you have said and it’s absolutely shit. But it will never change. You will only start to see the wood from the trees once you’re out of it. No it’s not DSS’s fault, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s very easy not to care whether it is or it isn’t his fault. Staying isn’t healthy for you or DSS. And it’s not healthy for your own DS either.

I’m on both your side and DSS’s. Never on the parents’ sides on these threads. They’re always the ones causing all the problems.

Also, no man is worth any of this.

The step parent in this situation actually takes full responsibility and accepts they were completely in the wrong, and wishes they could turn back time. But you can’t can you? Damage is done. I feel for the little boy in this scenario and the DH as he will 100% pick up on his wife’s hatred for his child. I hope he ends it but many men won’t and then the children grow up to completely resent their parent for always siding with their wife. Same the other way round too, and women stay too. It’s hard because you have a double whammy, feel guilty on one child if you stay, feel bad on one child if you leave. It’s a horrible position to be in.

Of course the OP here will stay as she wants to do what means she spends more time with her own child, but damages another child (her child’s sibling, blood relative) in the meantime. I hope that despite what she says she reads some of these words, experience of others and not just judging but telling her how hurtful things can get, and listens and tries to put things right one way or another.

This thread has reminded me of why a woman I know had to end her marriage. She has a son, 'Ellis' and she got married to a new guy when Ellis was about 5 and they had a baby boy 'Oliver'. The stepfather had seemed like he was going to be a loving parent for Ellis, but he showed his true colours, only after his bio child was born. He started being emotionally abusive to Ellis and would openly favour Oliver.

Evidently it's not only women who behave like this. I remember her posting on FB about how stressful it had all been. This thread brings home what she must have been dealing with.

>> And I'll bet anything that the step parents, like some previous ones on here, have decided for him that his childhood was fabulous and the problem is just that he is an inherently bad person.

oh, this, yes. I can’t count the number of times I tried to have a serious conversation with my older relatives about things that affected me as a kid - not even complaining, or blaming, just trying to discuss causes and effects to better understand myself. Only to be told, “oh no, that person really loved you!” Or “you were so lucky!” Complete gaslighting. Both blood family and situations relating to step family. It’s amazing how parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles will do this to preserve the idea that the family was functional.

Firstly, you're really brave for talking about how you feel. Acknowledging it's not a nice way to think is a big thing and you clearly want to fix it otherwise you wouldn't be asking.

Never feel bad for how you feel. Our feelings are what they are and fighting them only causes internal resentment. You need to find a way to move forward positively for all of the members of your family. And by taking on a partner with a SC that means them as well.

Secondly, a few things to try;

Research Nachoing. Not your kid, not your problem. Some of it can be extreme and you may need to start with extreme to gradually work up to being in a better place but it's great when boundaries are all over the place and it's causing resentment.

Talk to your doctor. There could be a bigger picture relating to your own health. It never does any harm to get bloods and general health checked up on when we notice our own behaviour is out of kilter.

Talk to your OH. If this means writing a letter, or voice notes, do what you need to do. Don't leave because it's an easier option than working hard to push through. He probably doesn't realise how hard it is for you and it is difficult for people to understand if we don't tell them.

Get a court order or parenting plan in place. If Mum is someone who will sit down and talk then get some schedules/routines firmed up. If she isn't, then go to court to get fixed days including holidays so you can plan. I'm an uber planner and SD's mum is the complete opposite but you can get there by staying consistent and holding your own.

Journal. You might find it helps to see if there is a pattern of behaviour by anyone in the house that is triggering your reactions. It could be a perfect storm of things that just tip you over the edge.

Your time. Find time for yourself and your 3yo to go and do things on the weekend visits. Explain to OH that you would love him to join you but understand that sometimes that's hard with the 8yo. Ask to create some time where you do things as a 3 and explain to him you want his bond to be as strong with your 3yo as it is with his 8yo.

Find common ground. This can be hard until things are on a better level but if you can find something that you both like doing or watching/playing try and make it just yours and the 8yos things you do. OH can use this time to bond with 3yo. Lego is a great way to interact with this age, even if you build something separately you are still spending time together and the 8yo will appreciate that, it may not seem it, but they do.

It's not going to be easy but I'm pretty sure giving up is far harder in the long run and not what you want for your 3yo. Things can get better but it takes the effort of everyone - even the 8yo, you just have to guide them.

First step is you've recognised you need some support and help OP.

If you were a bio Mum struggling, you'd have a lot more support from strangers online, that's just how it is.

Work through your feelings with a professional with experience of stepfamilies and go gentle on yourself whilst also holding yourself accountable for your own feelings and actions.

Sending love xxx

OP, I would also be interested to hear of the forum where you don't get jumped on for speaking about how you feel. Would you mind letting me know via DM?

What jumps out at me from your post is this: it doesn't sound like it's personal about your DSS. It sounds like the problem is your DH's ex and her demands, and that is something your DH needs to deal with.

You're in a hard situation but try not to blame the child - he's not actually the one making these decisions.

Oh my goodness OP you have been taking on a lot of stress and responsibilities beyond your capacity, no wonder you're starting to feel resentful!

I think a lot of PP have not put this very compassionately, but it's true that it's time to shift the resentment and blame away from DSS.

Some practical things to do now to ease the pressure:
Start couples therapy, I think you need to work through the difficult feelings around DH behaviour when DS was born, and have him really listen and understand.
Secondly, you need a little break from DSS, not because it's his fault but because everyone needs a break sometimes. Plan some play dates for just you and DS, and DSS will get to spend quality time with his dad, gives both children a better experience and takes the pressure off.
Also Need to communicate with DH that family holidays are non negotiable if you can afford it - give the ex the choice, either DSS goes with you, or you go without him, it's her choice and you're still working around her needs.

I am wishing you the best of luck and hope that you can take some time for you as well, build a regular hobby into the routine where you get to recharge your batteries, while DH steps up.