I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Well, look on the bright side, OP. Your husband must be an absolute prince to be worth you putting up with this evil eight year old who is solely responsible for all the ills in your life and relationship.

That can be your consolation when the child is inflicted upon you, as well as your comfort in knowing that whatever goes wrong, it's nothing you or your husband did. It's all in the hands of this evil eight year old genius.

Is that your advice to the OP (spiller of vitriol about an eight year old child) or only to those objecting to OP's vitriol being spilled about an eight year old child.

Ex-wife, no children, human with empathy for anyone (particularly a child) having vitriol spewed about them.

Do you think it is fine for woman to hate an 8yo @Snowdogsmitten? If a mother came on and said they hated their 8yo, for being an 8yo, would you praise her parenting skills, and criticise anyone who questioned her behaviour.

I have criticised all adults in this child’s life, none of them are showering themselves in glory, but to hate the child, in what world is that right, when they haven’t done anything heinous

Now that's just fucking hateful.

You wonder why his mum doesn't want him????? You really are starting to show your true colours. This is an actual living human child you are talking about. Not a dog that jumps up and barks and seeks attention.

Your attitude stinks. It is actually is quite abhorrent. Shame on you.

oh - hust a heads up. Siblings fight. A lot. It's what they do for God sake.

She’s not done anything to him. Can’t you read? She’s venting it here. She clearly feels bad about it, which is why she’s thrown herself to the keyboard mean girls.

So save your poison for his truly shit parents, not a woman and very small child caught up in it.

She sounds awful.
I'm sorry you weren't supported during this scary and traumatic time it's horrible.
Normal for a big sibling to be emotional and act out when the baby sibling is born. But all the adults should have shielded you from that.

I can only gather you’re either not very bright if you think this is the child’s fault OP and you can’t see his destructive behaviour is due to him suffering as he feels unvalued & unloved by all the parents in this set up or you are simply just pure evil. A child hater. Have some compassion towards his situation he’s helpless- he’s a child. Innocent. You are cold & selfish & self-centred. You’re an adult. Sort the issue out with your DH & get him to rearrange the custody to compromise do whatever you need to do but STOP. Blaming. The. Child. He is innocent. You’re coming across as an absolutely awful person.

There is no way OP feels this level of hate and resentment, for three years and counting, and hasn't shown it in a way that he'd notice. Jeez, she's literally on here complaining about him responding to it. I'm surprised it's not worse. What does he actually do? Asks for stuff, is loud and annoys his brother?

Of course the kid knows nobody wants him but OP somehow has it in her head that he's reacting to an inner feeling of superiority, which is so arse about face I don't know where to start.

As with so many issues there are so many different problems mixed up together.

It must be really difficult in a step parent relationship but if DH also wants respect and boundaries then together you should be able to achieve that.

sit down with DH and try to work out an effective incentive structure for DSS to achieve it. If you didn't have such a difficult relationship I would suggest involving DSS in that discussion but as you do, that might be counterproductive.

What does DDS like that he could be rewarded with for respecting boundaries? With our own 8 year old we have a system which boils down to gaining or losing screen time as that's the main thing he cares about. We do natural consequences, talking things through etc as well.

Disclaimer; so far I am an only wife, but I had both a stepmother and stepfather from age 10.

A healthy, respectful and helpful reply.

And then the novelty wears off, and you’re embroiled in the situation. Shit parenting comes to light on the part of the DH and/or ex-partner.

But how would somebody know that shit parenting would come to light later on? And If the ex comes across as a decent person when you become part of the family you'd have no reason to believe she'd switch up when you decide to have a child.

Besides, people don't even introduce their children to a new partner for atleast 6 months to a year, then add to that another 6 months to a year of them wanting to look like a great boyfriend and great parent during the honeymoon period. It's probably going to be even later than that when you meet the ex personally.

it's perfectly possible that somebody wouldn't see any red flags until much later on.

I really wish people would stop with the "you knew what you were getting yourself into" talk. You really don't. Every family is different.

She may not have known what she was getting into, but she must know that her stepson isn't the one who got her into anything.

This post sounds like you want help to stop seething about your 8yo DSS. However your comments since sound like you're looking for justification to carry on being mean to/about him.
If nothing else, the single best thing you can do for yourself and your DSs happiness is to get on with your DSS and your DH ex wife.
They will both annoy you no end but you have to swallow it, smile and move on- if you start a feud within the family or are obvious about your resentment then your DSS will hate you, make trouble and in 5 years when he understands the situation your DS will hate you too.
What do you want to prioritise- harmony and happiness for all, or "who's right/wrong" about every shit situation?

I really wish people would stop with the "you knew what you were getting yourself into" talk. You really don't. Every family is different.

So how do you explain people that do not, and would not, get into it, then?

I’ll tell you why. The behaviour of you, the ex and your husband. You think he’s difficult now - you a brewing all kinds of problems.

if you start a feud within the family or are obvious about your resentment then your DSS will hate you, make trouble and in 5 years when he understands the situation your DS will hate you too.

My mum has a lot of narcissists in her family and I saw this type of dynamic at work with my aunty and her grandchildren. One of the granddaughters was her favourite, golden child and she would be very mean to her grandson and say negative things about him all the time whilst the granddaughter could never do anything wrong. One day the granddaughter told her she hated her and asked her why she wouldn't leave her little brother alone. Sometimes this abusive type of behaviour has unintended consequences.

Absolutely this. I’m not an ex-wife or a step mum or a step child. I’m just someone who thinks the emotional abuse of a child is hateful conduct and this woman needs to be removed from his life before she hurts him more.

Don't forget op this child kicking off when your dh didn't collect him was 4/5 years old likely unsure about the arrival of his new baby brother. You act as if this is an older child. You clearly don't like this kid resent his presence. Your mil sounds like she's got the measure of you and is looking out for her grandchild. You have not said a kind word about this boy, he hasn't done anything remotely wrong to deserve your hate. Please leave before you damage his childhood further he will know you hate him.

Sometimes this abusive type of behaviour has unintended consequences

What abuse though? All OP has done is get things off her chest by having an anonymous rant. She isn't saying it to the child.

IsPutinDeadYet this boy will be very aware of ops distain for him. It spills out in this thread. Kids are not stupid.

I would explain it by saying not everyone has the same ideas or perception of what it might be like. Some people think it would be awful and don't want to live with other people's children. Others,like me, don't feel inconvenienced or threatened or jealous by it so go into it quite happily.

I've told this story on here a few times before - I became a lodger for a while when I left my ExH and got on like a house on fire with my landlord's tween girls who stayed week on week off. I had no reason to believe it would be that much different when I got with DH. The things that made all the difference that I couldn't have foreseen - unfair expectations, the Ex (who also started out fine for the first couple of years), and loyalty binds when she started badmouthing me and DH. I went in fully prepared that my DSC's would have to come first and weekends (and more) would be spent revolving around them. None of that is what caused the aggro.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!
You have many valid issues with his parents' behaviour. His mum sounds like a nasty piece of work. His Dad should be holding appropriate boundaries and talking to DSS in an appropriate non blaming way about things like the holiday or the situation in NICU. Yes DSS mum was totally out of line when your DS was in NICU, this isnt your DSSs fault. Its not his fault he cries and wanted his Dad because he was a little kid 5(?) and he'd been manipulated by his mum. Do you actually want to fix things because you've been told multiple times what might help, therapy to work through all of this.

also spot on that his mum doesn’t want him at the weekend. I wonder why. this is a horrible thing to say about a child. You are blaming him for his mum's behaviour and you are blaming a child for being a child. The things between DS and DSS are normal sibling behaviour. He looks giant and grown up next to your DS but he is still a little child. This child has nowhere he can feel safe and secure and you as a component adult are happily vilifying him like this. Nothing that he or his mother have done make it ok to hate a child. If you can't stop thinking this about him you need to leave.

Perhaps the OP could do the same.

Hating your stepson and saying that his father's home is not his home is emotional abuse.

I'm at a loss to understand just why you are so invested in condoning it.