I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Sorry, but that just doesn’t make any sense.

You can either choose to get involved with a man with young children, or you can choose not to.

Plenty of people choose not to. You can know full well that there will likely be issues down the line, so you never opt in, in the first place.

OP as I said in my post I do have sympathy for you and see why you feel how you do, but your recent replies feel like you're doubling down on why the boy is hate worthy rather than recognising your feelings are the fault of all the adults around you. I hope it's just that you're being defensive because some people on here are really rude, and in the background you're quietly reflecting on how to make things better.

Unless you’ve been in this situation, you really don’t know what you’d do. When I was there I would never have allowed my two elder children (who were four and one, so pretty much babies themselves) to go without seeing either parent for 72 hours. They simply weren’t used to that. So we had me in hospital (going back and forth between the baby and my own ward as I was receiving care myself) and DH there during the day when the other two were in their normal childcare, home to pick them up, feed and bath them, and then a friend slept at the house so he could come back in the evening. He simply couldn’t be with me 24/7 for several days because our other children needed him too.

And in the OP’s situation, given that the DSS’s mother was “not available” I can see why the DH felt he needed to be.

Of course it makes sense, are you being deliberately obtuse?

I will give you the benefit of the doubt and explain what I'm saying.

When a woman meets somebody she is fond of, and they happen to have children, almost all of those women proceed with open arms and the best of intentions. They know there is a child/children and intend to foster a loving relationship. They have no problem with there being an existing child.

It is not until later on, after they've already committed to the relationship, that the issues start to arise.

Case in point, the OP's.

The child's mum was very respectful and decent with the OP to begin with, so why on earth would it occur to the OP that she would be anything but that, later on?

Coincidentally, in my own situation, it was also my pregnancy that sparked something with the ex which lead to her doing a 180 and causing a ton of grief.

It's likely insecurity on their part because they're worried about their child being replaced, but they act out that worry in the most childish of ways, see - refusing holidays, being difficult with arrangements, that eventually all of that leads to the (again, well intended) step mother becoming resentful over time and thinking you know what, fuck that.

So you don't know what you're getting into, not really, dynamics change over time and you can't always (or ever actually) predict how other people are going to behave.

As an aside, I hope those wielding the pitchforks know that piling on to an OP like this is going to have the opposite effect to the one they're hoping for.

I came on mumsnet asking for advice and a bit of a chat when I had DSC troubles. I was very open to advice and happy to listen to anybody who felt IWBU but after pages of a pile on giving me nothing but grief for daring to take issue with my disabled child being assaulted, I thought sod this - fuck this, that lot on here and the DSS included.

There is a reason counsellors don't give their opinions, they give people a place to get things off their chest. It's not beneficial nor helpful to tell somebody what an arsehole they are when they start to open up about something difficult in their life.

The OP needs to work through her feelings, all this thread will have done is brought the walls up and reinforced the opinion that her and her DC don't matter. Are you really surprised that she has doubled down the more the thread goes on? That was the only outcome.

Own goal for the ex wives club.

I do feel sorry for the child though, mum wants rid of him every weekend, and OP doesn't want him there either

yeah spot on. I don’t want him here every weekend. Hes not always very kind to my DS. First of all because My DS goes very quiet when he’s here and doesn’t play with his toys in the same way. DSS is also loud and destructive, has zero respect for anything, ungrateful, nothing is ever good enough, doesn’t listen to our expectations of behaviour or boundaries no matter how many times we say it.

also spot on that his mum doesn’t want him at the weekend. I wonder why

You are not unreasonable to feel this way. It reads to me that you’ve needed to accept and adapt to contact arrangements made by your partner and his ex over your step child without having a say in the arrangements and those arrangements are not working for all parties involved. You absolutely should have a say on what happens in your home and the needs of your step child does not override everyone else’s needs. Can you talk with your partner and suggest you amend contact. Every other week end is a perfectly reasonable arrangement and it means your step child gets to spend leisure time with both parents. I too would feel very resentful of having to ask for week ends off like it sounds like you have to do at the moment. You could always switch a week end to during the week contact. If your partner is not willing to adapt and change to support you, then for me that would be a massive red flag. With regards to holidays can you not just agree certain dates you will have just to stop feeling like you have to ask permission? I think once you’ve had some influence in contact arrangements that works for you and your home you will feel better about your step child’s visits.

Classic scapegoating.

The tool of ineffective and, in some cases, extremely cowardly people.

Edited to add: You are being completely disingenuous when you say you don't want your husband's son in your husband's home every weekend. From your previous posts it's pretty damned clear you don't want your husband's son in your husband's home at all.

@Linnieloulou are you suggesting the dad sees less of his eldest child?

I think you need to go to personal therapy about this and then maybe couples counseling or even family therapy. Dss doesn't sound bad- I was expecting a violent slob of a teen from your title.
You have a fantasy of having a family unit without him but you know that's impossible - if you leave your husband you'll still be having to ask permission from that family when you want to go abroad.

I also don't see the problem with your potential two young children sharing a room. Don't blame that on your dss. Move house one day if it's that big an issue in the future when they're bigger.
You're scape goating this 8 year old for all your frustrations.

Ps I think it's cute he wants his dad to go in his bed with him when he visits- he's probably a bit scared and feels unwelcome in the home. He's hardly going to do this forever so let him have it.

Jesus 😳

This is just utterly venomous, he’s a child. I think it’s ironic you’re assigning adult emotions and behaviours to a clearly unloved by everyone child. Yet throwing some epic toddler tantrums yourself.

Grow up. And get some therapy.

None of us on here are counsellors. If we were to do what counsellors do these threads would be empty because all we would do is read the posts, but I think what has happened with this particular post is that the op has revealed to us her contempt for a child and anyone with any decency would be shocked by that. If she had come on here and just complained about the situation but not blamed the child we would probably have been sympathetic. Most people will not collude with the emotional mistreatment of a child. And it works both ways: the more she doubles down the more sympathy we feel for the poor boy, no matter how naughty he is.

Edited to add: It is interesting how the op expects us to sympathise with her criticism of and anger towards a young child, yet she cannot take any criticism herself. Funny that.

Linnieloulou suggested changing some of the weekend contact to during the week.

Op this is a really traumatic birth experience. You really do need to debrief and unpick these feelings with a therapist. It will help you so so so much. I think you feel let down by your DH but you're scare goating the ex and the dss. MIL could have done a better job of helping wirh DSS at this time. But again, imagine if that wasn't a DSS but a similar situation with your second baby - would you bedrudge your husband popping home to check on your own older DS then which you're with baby in NICU? You'd probably feel less abandoned and more able to put your own child's needs first. DSS was just a little boy then. Buy your DH should have planned better for this - support to look after his child on his time (not his exes problem) and extra support for you eg your own friends and family should have been called in - where were they? If this was me my mum and best friends would be rallying around me

My hospital did.

Why couldn't you and DH have taken your DS on a 5 day holiday? Or why couldn't you take your DS alone or with your own friends or family (that's what I do as a single mum) - none of this is DSS fault

@holywow if I were you I’d get this thread deleted, though you shouldn’t have to. The Ex Wives Club are worked up to a frenzy and the vitriol being directed your way is nothing more than them releasing some of their own anger at their ex partners having new wives and more children.

If I were you I’d sever the relationship and distance yourself from the fucked up dynamic your H has created with his ex wife and first child. I suspect he won’t be as interested in your son as you’re not likely to behave like the first wife.

@holywow if I were you I’d get this thread deleted, though you shouldn’t have to. The Ex Wives Club are worked up to a frenzy and the vitriol being directed your way is nothing more than them releasing some of their own anger at their ex partners having new wives and more children.

utter rubbish.

Why do some posters keep going on about the ex wives club, I’m not an ex wife. I am just someone who is horrified by the level of vitriol the OP is levelling at an 8yo, who is behaving just like an 8yo who hasn’t been given the support he should be by his closest adults and who will know he is hated by his step mum (someone who used to treat him kindly)

Same. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I have very recently discovered residual trauma from it when I unexpectedly had a bit of a turn after a load of ambulances went past me one night when I was walking along the street. I nearly passed out. It was very strange but that experience obviously changed us.

Save the vitriol for his shit parents then.

I don’t think so. It happens all the time here. Some posters only have to read ‘stepmother’ or ‘stepchild’ and their teeth are bared. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so bleak.

I suggest those posters reserve their spite for the crap parents of this eight year old, who is the product of said shit parents’ parenting.

I’m not an ex-wife - probably most people on this thread aren’t, so can we stop with that?

I just see someone in your description above, who’s just very naive.

As I say - plenty of people don’t even opt in to a serious relationship with someone who has kids, because they can use their own brain to know that it will be an entirely fraught situation.

it’s all fun and games for some people - naively playing happy families with the step-child, showing what a great Mum you’ll make.

And then the novelty wears off, and you’re embroiled in the situation. Shit parenting comes to light on the part of the DH and/or ex-partner. The (often complex) needs of a child (or children) come to the fore.

And then the new partner inevitably gets pregnant and everything changes, as the biological child is well and truly prioritised. And all the difficulties that were already very much present, are exacerbated.

I can see this full well - know it’s not for me, and make sure I’m never a part of it.

If other people want to sleep-walk into it, they shouldn’t be surprised when (not if) it turns to shit.

And honestly - are you reading @holywow‘s further posts and genuinely feeling sorry for her in this scenario? She’s coming across as an awful person.

No it’s Op who needs to save her vitriol for the shot parents as it’s HERdirecting it ALL on to an 8 year old child ffs

Well. It seems that the Op feels justified in her behaviour and is unlikely to take on board any of the advice given to her.

One day it will blow up in all of the adults faces in this situation. It's an awful shame that the children, none of whom asked to be born are stuck with vindictive parents and step parents . Because, ultimately these children are going to grow up into dysfunctional adults and the cycle will repeat.

The OP will have another baby, perhaps a girl who will be the new favourite.