I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

So what are you going to do @holywow?

You’ve had your anonymous vent on here.

What’s next?

yes i do try and put my own son first in every situation , because who else is going to?? Doesn’t he deserve to come first to his own mum? DSS should come first to his mum but whether he does or not is up to her and not my fault.

It shouldn't be a competition. Your stepson repeats what he hears his mother say. So you ignore it and say other things that will make him feel loved.

My goodness, you don't have 10 children, you have two. You should be able to balance their needs and also set the environment for them to grow up having a loving relationship. Your son is biologically related to your stepson but your posts make it sound like they aren't half brothers. You are driving a wedge between them and making it ds1 vs ds2.

And you are thinking of bringing another baby into this toxicity??

Being a step-parent is hard, it's certainly not for everyone and of course if you're unhappy you should leave.

That said a lot of what you say is targeted towards an 8 year old boy who has separated parents and a half sibling, living between 2 houses and by all accounts seems to be a typical 8 year old boy; most of them are, for want of a better word, annoying for fair chunks of time.

The comments around him wanting to feel superior are actually really fucking weird truth be told- he was 5! The reality is that your DH is his dad, he should be working to make sure your needs, the needs of your child and the needs of his son are met; and its tricky to do. Your ire should be directed towards the adults who aren't working together to sort something better out, if every weekend doesn't work then what's DH doing about it? Has he tried to negotiate having him during the week for a few days and every other weekend? Not that surprised mum might not want every other weekend if she's also doing all of the day to day school runs and things.

Your DH has 2 children and just because he lives with one of them that doesn't make them more important.

We were told by doctors that we could be in NICU 24/7 to be by his incubator and get any updates and just be with him. so yes I (rightly or wrongly) admit, I wanted me and DH to be by my sons bedside every single minute. I wanted to be there for every update, test, ECG, etc etc. I wanted us to hold his tiny hands through the incubator window so he wasn’t alone in the first 3 days of his life or potentially the last moments of his life. I was a mess at the thought of my baby dying and so what I wanted my husband to be with me in those 3 days?? Is that wrong? Meanwhile his older DS is very much alive and kicking and safe with his mum? So yeah I admit i hate the ex wife for not having any empathy for us and being a twat during that time

You don’t need to justify yourself at all here. And any bitter first wife who comes on here and lays into you for wanting your H with you when you’d literally just been delivered of a baby that might die can fuck off, frankly.

I don’t get cold heartless vibes. I get irritated and venting vibes. He sounds annoying as fuck and it’s normal to want to get that off your chest.

OP I wonder if you would feel better if you saw less of him - not sure how that would happen but it’s preferable to breaking up a family including your own DS.

don’t forget DSS will soon be older and probably less irritating - times really does fly. Hope you sort it out.

And yeah I do resent my DSS for barging into our home and being loud and annoying and obnoxious and all other pain in the backside behaviour when I had just brought my tiny vulnerable baby home.

Sorry but this sounds unhinged. It's not your home, it's your stepsons home too. He was, what? 5???

@lucyloobyloo newsflash little children can be annoying! And they gave the teenage years to come. Can see the OP hating the teen DSC because they eat more than her child and resenting that

Then again when my DS was born and was in NICU and the ex told my DH she still expected him to pick DSS up and she didn’t give a toss our new baby was in intensive care because it was our turn to have DSS. And again when DS had to be admitted to hospital with breathing problems and MIL telling dh that he needed to leave hospital to collect DSS before he has another meltdown and the ex wife boots off

Well what had DH planned? Surely he'd made plans for you giving birth and even if NICU wasn't needed the Subsequent week or whatever with a newborn? It doesn't sound like the ex was annoyed DH specifically wasn't seeing his son, but more that he hadn't arranged for anyone else to either. Did he talk to her about it and say look when baby comes even if all is well can we please arrange something like adults, or no? He needs to advocate for all of his children and not just blame the NaStY ex.

OP I really do think you are blaming the wrong person.

Yes DSS does sound annoying, kids can be, but it would be so much better if he was being well parented by either or both of his parents.

DH could step up and deal with the 'I want I want' and the bed sharing requests. He could get firm with his ex and sort out a less stressful custody arrangement. I don't think you are unreasonable not to want to spend time with someone else's difficult 8 year old every single weekend.

But it really isn't your DSS fault that he had a strop when DS was born or that his mother was a total bitch about it. It's what 5 year olds do; and he was probably really stressed and confused by everything being weird and his grownups being upset and things changing and him not understanding what was happening.

You don’t need to justify yourself at all here. And any bitter first wife who comes on here and lays into you for wanting your H with you when you’d literally just been delivered of a baby that might die can fuck off, frankly.

The op is the one who sounds bitter. Incidentally, I'm not a first or any other kind of wife. But I admit I'm very agreeable towards other people's children as well as my own. I would not be seething about any of this stuff. I'd be trying to put myself in the shoes of the children (all of them) instead of 'ME, ME, ME'

Ok you’ve jumped on my post… so is that you saying you think the OP should have been happy to be at her brand newborn’s potential deathbed on her own in a wheelchair because of the stepson who had a host of other people who could look after him? Seriously?

What are you going on about? They are not fucking in-laws. They are half brothers.

The adults in their lives are all too selfish and too childish to raise them so they have a good relationship.

Why on earth would you think the pp was saying that….?

When it comes to the part with the baby in the NICU, I think what some people aren’t acknowledging is that whether they’re full siblings or half siblings, older siblings are always going to have times when they realize that at this particular moment, they’re not the top priority. That’s just part of becoming an older sibling.

Because that poster seemed to be suggesting that even then the OP should have put the stepson first, instead of being, and I quote, ‘ME, ME, ME.’

Ok you’ve jumped on my post… so is that you saying you think the OP should have been happy to be at her brand newborn’s potential deathbed on her own in a wheelchair because of the stepson who had a host of other people who could look after him? Seriously?

Well, if this had been me right after I gave birth, I would have wanted my newborn's half brother to come and visit him. I am not sure that many hospitals allow both parents to stay in the hospital 24/7 even if you do have a very poorly baby. I probably would have been happy to stay with my baby the whole time and have DH pop in and out.

It doesn't sound like the ex was annoyed DH specifically wasn't seeing his son, but more that he hadn't arranged for anyone else to either

I think OP says that DH had spoke to the ex wife saying they were in NICU and the MIL would collect the child. The ex said no, and that it had to be the DH or their child would be sad.

That's just ridiculous, kids have to learn things happen and considering dad has him every weekend, I'm sure one wouldn't be the end of the world.

And as a PP said a dad seeing his kid every weekend isn't too much but 50/50 would be fairer
Or even 3 out of 4, most women I know in this situation would never give up every weekend with their kids.

Can you read?
It was Covid.
The baby was in NICU with 1-1 nursing intensive care.
The baby might die.
You often can’t have family visit that ward, least of all during the pandemic.
The OP had just given birth and was being wheeled to the bedside of a baby that might not survive.

And you think she should have set up a jolly visit for the stepson to ensure he felt good about it all?

You’ve clearly never had a very sick child. Consider yourself very lucky. But I don’t think you can berate the OP for not doing what you ‘would have done’ in a situation like that. JFC.

Oh and on NICU, both parents have 24/7 access. Obviously.

I know when our DS was in NICU, we needed each other as it was heartbreaking - I wouldn't have wanted a 5 year old there watching a tiny baby with tubes everywhere or in an incubator, it's no place for little kids unnecessarily.

They are brothers though and all the adults are doing is creating resentment between the two and risking the chance for them to have a proper relationship.

the child is 8 and isn’t being helped by any of the adults at all. You can clearly see where all this behaviour is coming from and where each of the adults OP, DH, Ex and MiL play there part.

if the OP prioritises her son surely trying to get the sibling relationship back on track and seeing that it is not an 8 year old fault are good starting point

Totally. It’s a truly harrowing place to be. My god.

@Snowdogsmitten my 4 year old was in NICU actually.

If it was the thick of Covid then I'm pretty sure no hospital would have allowed both parents to be there 24/7

The OP prioritises herself and her feelings. The latest posts seal that for me. If she really loved her own dc, she wouldn't be hell bent on creating an environment where he'll never get on well with his half brother.

Totally. It’s a truly harrowing place to be. My god

I would not wish it on anyone. It was the worst time of our lives. I count my blessing every day. And to think of having to explain or entertain a 5 year old along with all our own heartbreak and worry is just mind boggling. Why anyone would think that a healthy environment I don't know. Or to suggest leaving one another is ludicrous.