I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

MIL then took great delight in telling DH how sad DSS was all weekend. That’s why she’s an interfering fucker

From your responses OP I think it's clear you resent your stepson too much to continue your relationship. He's a child and you liked him until you had your own child. So unless you do get some counselling you're going to make him very unhappy.
I hope the woman who becomes stepmom to your ds is nicer than you.

As if advocating another broken family and op abandoning this boy completely whose own mother spends about 15 hrs a week with him would be best for him.
Get a grip. Ops dh just needs to grow a backbone. You don't have to through everything in flames and drama all the time. Op is asking for help not abusing the boy. Although the mother certainly is neglecting him emotionally which won't help his behaviour!

Throw

That was never going to be my answer so your dismissive presumption can fuck right off. My own lived experience is that access every single weekend is invariably met with suspicion and raised eyebrows like "That's really unfair on mum" with the implication that DH must either be horrible for pushing that contact pattern or it must be because mum is working or whatever. I came across that incredulity loads in real life, and there have been plenty of posts on this thread also expressing astonishment that a mum didn't actively want any weekend downtime with her DC. No judgement here - just saying it's hard when everyone paints you as the villain even when you're going along with mum's wishes. It was my DSC I felt sorry for - never any lazy Saturday mornings with mum, no days out with her outside of school holidays, no Sunday lunches. And before you imply it's probably my DH's fault for leaving - she had an affair and left him. Her AP was the reason mum had no contact weekends because AP couldn't cope with DSC.

Awaits "you sound judgemental" response

I think both parents should be in therapy because so much of these problems are the DH being unable to balance the two women with a child each successfully.

The women are apparently competing and resentful of each other. The parents all need to get their act together for the benefit of these two little boys who should be encouraged to love each other and not have their brotherly relationship damaged by warring parents.

Can't speak for anyone else but I am not an ex wife, second wife, step mother or step daughter. I do have experience of being the child all the grownups blame and pathologise for the situation they created.

Do you still resent the child or do you realise now who you should be targeting?

Our words are falling on deaf ears as the OP is hell bent on believing she is in the right & this child is in the wrong. I don’t know why she posted on here if she won’t listen to the majority on this thread. OP has narcissist vibes

You don’t deserve to be a stepmum

You say that like it's supposed to be a fucking privilege 😂

It isn't unkind to disprove of your attitude towards your DS or towards any child who comes into your environment. However you prove a theory I have: so often people tell me that parenthood made them realise how kind and loving they are, but my observation is that only extends to their own children. Perhaps that is a biological imperative. Who knows.

I am glad that people have private messaged you because now you have a community to rant with. And that is the place for it. On a public forum (which we all have a right to read) the attitude towards that poor child comes over as bitter and very distasteful. Of course I am sorry that you went through what you did - I would be empathetic to anyone who endured that, but right this moment you want us to feel sorry for you but many of us feel more sympathy - quite rightly in my opinion - for the 8-year-old child and his well being while he is around you.

The first three days of your child's life sound hideously stressful, but they were made worse by your step-son's mother, an adult, NOT by him, a child. No one is calling you unreasonable for hating her.

Regarding this quote:
"And yeah I do resent my DSS for barging into our home and being loud and annoying and obnoxious and all other pain in the backside behaviour when I had just brought my tiny vulnerable baby home."

He was five years old. Five. Years. Old. And he wasn't 'barging into' YOUR home- he was in HIS OWN home, where he should feel safe and loved and welcomed.

I actually think there's no hope for you- you are determined to be vitriolic towards this poor little boy.

It would be to me because I like children & if it’s the child of someone I love I would grow to love them too. They’d be a sibling to my child. So yeh it’s a privilege and if it’s not the way OP sees that then guess what? She shouldn’t have got with a man who was already a father.

Have you read the ops comments @Boomboom22 ?!?
I think the dss would be doing a happy dance, possibly one of very few times in his life, if he was 'abandoned' by the op.
'Creating a broken home' is an interesting take on what would actually be removing a toxic adult from this child's life.

I don't think it is bitter ex wives at all who are disturbed by the the OPs attitude towards her stepson.

I think it's a wide range of women, including step mothers themselves, who are appalled by some of the views on this thread and the bile and spitefulness directed at a young child that some are trying to justify. It beggars belief.

Absolutely shameful.

so basically it made DSS feel superior and like he was more important than a very poorly baby.

You think he's acting this way because he feels like he's more important??

When he was five?

The 8yo doesn’t deserve to have all the hatred that OP is showing towards him. He was 5 when the baby was born. OP resented his behaviour then. A 5yo who had been told he was the most important person by all adults (other than OP).

Interesting, OP you yourself say your child takes priority and is the most important person. What happens if you have another child, who’s the most important then? Watch how your older child might play up to get your attention, tell you that they are the most important.

Im not an ex, member of the first wives club etc. I am a person feeling dreadfully sorry for an 8yo who has done nothing wrong but be a young child, but a young child who is being let down by all the adults in their life and hated (and he will know he is) by the OP. What sort of life is that?

I can’t even start to understand how terrified you must have been when you were with your baby in NICU @holywow but please get help, as it is not fair to take out the pain you still feel from then on an 8yo.

Op you sound so hurt and let down over the last few years that I think it's clouding your thinking. I really don't agree with all the posts against you, you are clearly venting here anonymously, but they do also have some valid points. DSS's behaviour is both unreasonable and not his fault at the same time. He's clearly been primed for some of it (the comments about being her first etc), and is also being generally a little bit of a shit at times in that way that children often do as an inadvertent expression of stress and unhappiness. Both of these things fall at the feet of the adults in his life as he can't be expected to have the insight or self-control to deal with them himself without it being modeled and taught (and even then you can still expect a lot of getting it wrong at that age). So I think that's what meant by those who says it's never the step child's fault (at least at this sort of age).

But you and your son have got a hard deal here and you are not wrong to feel like it's unfair and needs putting right. I don't think DSS should be the focus though. If he was being bratty and hard work but his parents were firmly but kindly redirecting him every time, and your son wasn't getting lost in the process, would you still resent him? My sense is that you wouldn't, you be more inclined to see a child who was struggling with various adjustments in his life and needed the support and guidance of his family (including you).

I'm not.

Still married to DH who had no children before ours.

And if you had your DSS every other weekend but one night in the week (normal arrangement) you would get every other weekend without him

And if your DH stood up to his ex, life would be better

Your DH needs to sort the Ex-Wife issues out.

Firstly, would week on - week off be possible. You may find DSS settles better on longer stints. You would also get a full weekend back Eow.

Secondly - your DH should be arranging contact a year in advance, with clearly set (in-writing) agreement about holiday dates, contact dates/times, overseas holiday expectations.

Thirdly, you should NEVER need to talk to his ex. That is not your responsibility.

This little boy is a casualty of his father's piss poor organisational skills. I would lay down the law on the minimum you feel will be in the best interests of all. I think deep down you know it's not your DSS at fault.

Your DH needs to step up for you all

This. I feel for you OP, I don’t think it’s DSS you dislike, just the rubbish created by the ex and your DH. And this every weekend arrangement needs to stop.

You don't seem to get it OP - you are entitled to be resentful of the ex, the MIL and your own DH for all of the things you have described - but NONE of this is the fault of an 8 year old little boy. Your resentment of him is unfair and unpleasant. You can attempt to justify it but it doesn't make any sense. He didn't choose this life, his parents did.

Right? Genuinely disturbing and sad to affix adult views like this to a 5 year old child which suggest he was manipulative and callous towards his poorly half sibling just to feel superior. Explains a lot about OP is she believes this.

The fact you've had private messages where people think your feelings towards your stepson are ok, doesn't make this ok. Evidently there are a lot of adults around who are unable to accept that the needs of ANY of the children in their family have to come before their own.

You never should have been involved with the father nor inserted yourself in their lives. (Dad is trash for that).. you never should have inserted an innocent person into this mess...by this man. ..and you definitely wasn't parent material(You're trash for this)

End your marriage..strictly co parent. Don't know how you're going to maneuver co parenting and ignoring his child, as he is in the picture and isn't going anywhere...plus the 2 are siblings..

Smh. Poor children. ..I only feel badly for the son, and the daughter.

It's clear you have absolutely no experience of what it's like to willingly enter into a step parenting role genuinely happy and prepared to help care for and grow to love your DSC. only to find out one or both parents are actively working against you. In fact the evil stepmother trope that society like to push makes you even more determined you'll prove to everyone that the stereotype is wrong.

It totally fucks with your mental health when all your efforts are thrown back in your face week after week, month after month, years after year because of Disney parenting, a hostile ex, loyalty binds, unfair expectations without any of the authority to carry them out...any number of other things outside of the step parent's control. Yes we can leave, just as easily as a person in any relationship can leave...yet doesn't. When your mental health is shot to bits everything gets a whole lot harder to navigate.

I have a great relationship with my now-adult DSC (have literally just come back from a lovely lunch with them today) but the time their mum was bad-mouthing us affecting DSC's attitude towards us were some of the hardest years of my life from which I've still not recovered. I strongly believe OP is directing her ire in the wrong place but I totally understand how it's escalated to this.