I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

When my daughter was in NICU, she had all my family come and visit and her 11 year old sister too. She did have tubes in. I just thought it was natural for them to see her. Probably they wouldn't have been able to in the midst of Covid though.

Absolutely unhinged. And that's being kind and giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's not thinking straight.

And 3 years on OP is still carefully nursing and fanning the flames of her grievance about what happened when her husband's second child was born.

I'm not a first wife.

Because her stepchilds mother was so wrapped up on whatever her own issues was she thought the best thing for her 5 year old was to be with the parent who was going through shit with their half sibling rather than at home with their mum who could presumably dedicate all their energy to reassuring the boy his half sibling was being well looked after. Instead she stirred the pot.

And yet OP blames the child. Who was five years old at the time and is eight now.

And yeah I do resent my DSS for barging into our home and being loud and annoying and obnoxious and all other pain in the backside behaviour when I had just brought my tiny vulnerable baby home.

ETA: Barging into their home. It appears it's not his home?

These things a never a child’s fault though and you can clearly see where the behaviour comes from

have you had counselling OP for what was a deeply distressing time

None of what you just said detracts from my comments.

It would be to me because I like children & if it’s the child of someone I love I would grow to love them too. They’d be a sibling to my child. So yeh it’s a privilege and if it’s not the way OP sees that then guess what? She shouldn’t have got with a man who was already a father.

I agree with this.

Totally agree with those saying that this is entirely a DP and ex problem. Really unhealthy boundaries that need to be reset and enforced by your DH for everyone’s sake.

Her response to your child’s birth was appalling. And I wonder whether that whole experience has made everything much harder for you. I think there may be value in counselling for you, as this must have been a hellish time.

Have you already had a serious talk with DH about how you feel? Set everything out as you have here? Explained what needs to change and that you feel the relationship is in jeopardy?

Also, ignore those saying ‘oh siblings always squabble’ because we’re not talking about a 10yo and an 8yo here. There is no excuse for an 8yo to be mean to a toddler or shout at them. You need to insist on zero tolerance here.

Because her stepchilds mother was so wrapped up on whatever her own issues was she thought the best thing for her 5 year old was to be with the parent who was going through shit with their half sibling rather than at home with their mum who could presumably dedicate all their energy to reassuring the boy his half sibling was being well looked after

I agree.

The OP's husband should have been reassuring his first child that his first born child would still be loved by his father just as much as his father's second born child.

Given the OP's vile comments about a "5 year old barging in to our house" that reassurance was clearly needed.

3 year's later OP is still nursing her spite against a child who did nothing wrong.

Op you still haven’t explained what your dh is doing to try and and improve the situation. Is he able to adequately parent both sons or is he a total pushover and slave to his ex wife?

@holywow I and MANY others have taken the time to make suggestions on how you could improve this situation. You have COMPLETELY ignored these posts.

For example - make your husband responsible for fixing this mess of his making. No comment from you at all!

Your most recent posts are just focussed on the perceived/real injustices your 3yr old is "enduring". Guess what, if you don't make it an issue, he will be none the wiser.

You are so angry, you are incapable of being rational and seeing this for what it is. I mistakenly thought you were.

Simply put you are venomously angry with the world and the pointy end of your anger is a vulnerable 8 year old boy.

Leave the house for a few weekends. Go anywhere, away from this little boy who ABSOLUTELY knows you hate him and is quite pitifully rallying for validation. Leave your DS with your husband to deal with his sons. They are brothers and brothers fight and argue. This is life.

I rarely do a 180 on threads but it is obvious that giving you the benefit of the doubt was wrong. You are too damaged to work through an achievable, stable and loving outcome for yourself, your husband and these two LITTLE boys. Crisis point is long gone, you are now in damage control mode. Act now before you finish the job that your Step Son's mum started.

Oh - and for fuck sake insist your husband grow up sort out all of the rest.

I think this is the first mumsnet thread that I’ve ever read where I actually feel sorry for the DH. He seems to be trying his hardest to manage three women (his ex, his wife and his mother), none of whom is willing to do their best for either of his children.

I had a baby in NICU and older children at home, and as a parent you do need to manage all the children’s needs. Remember that the older ones are still tiny and have competing emotions of sadness and worry for their sick sibling and also jealousy of a new baby who is now stealing their parents’ attention. Of course during those first days when our new baby was having unexplained seizures, I wanted to be able to spend every waking second with him. But I couldn’t ignore my eldest and given that I was also a hospital in patient, it meant that DH had to go pick them up, feed them etc and then come back to me and the baby when they were in bed. Seeing as his ex was being a cow in this situation and not stepping up, I can see why DH would feel that he had to look after his son and give him some assurance that at least one parent was there for him.

I can see why DH would feel that he had to look after his son and give him some assurance that at least one parent was there for him.

Spot on.

3 year's later OP is still nursing her spite against a child who did nothing wrong

I think it's clear to most people that it isn't about the child personally, not really. The problem is, in my opinion having been there myself, that the OP is deeply unhappy about just how little agency she has over her life, time, home, big decisions etc.

Being a step parent is shit, frankly.

Throw in a high conflict and difficult BM and it's a recipe for resentment.

Many a good woman could be forgiven for wishing that the DH just didn't have any other kids at all.

I have, sue me.

Yeah, I'm an ex-wife, but childless.

One does not need to have children who are in the care of a bitter, resentful, jealous, insecure stepmother to grasp the depth of your loathing of an innocent child.

HTH.

Many a good woman could be forgiven for wishing that the DH just didn't have any other kids at all.

Well indeed, but the fact remains that they do have other children, you can't change that and if being with a man who already has children is so important then it's something you have to deal with. There will invariably always be an ex who rightly has a say in their child's life, just as you'd want to have over your child should he leave you and remarry. It's not for everyone, but wishing an existing child away doesn't work, it's something to consider rationally before committing to someone and definitely before having children with them- their children will then be associated with their half sibling.

Many a good woman could be forgiven for wishing that the DH just didn't have any other kids at all.

I can understand that. But he has, so if you want the bloke, they are part of the package. You can decide if he's worth having them in your life and choose accordingly; the kids can't make the same choice about you.

And there are plenty of us who can see - without even having to get embroiled in it - that it’s just not worth having a relationship with a man with young children.

And, so, don’t get embroiled in it.

Everyone has eyes. Everyone has a brain, everyone has choices.

But people sleep walk into situations, ignore the red flags, their gut instinct, and then find themselves in an untenable situation.

It’s really hard to have much sympathy. I’m not cut out for step-motherhood - I admit it, so I’d never go near it. Not many people are, and yet they insist on inserting themselves into situations where they do more harm than good.

And then when they have their own biological child, it all get so much worse.

And the person who gets dealt the most shit hand, is the one who doesn’t have any choice about the situation they’re in. That’s the child, in case it’s not obvious.

You don't know what issues you're going to come up against x years down the line, when you meet a man with children who you want to be with. You go into it with open arms and good intentions.

The BM was lovely towards OP until OP got pregnant. How was the OP to know she was going to start being a dick further down the line?

It's a moot point to say just don't get involved with a man who has children, because the things that eventually make it unbearable don't materialise until you've already invested.

I can see why DH would feel that he had to look after his son and give him some assurance that at least one parent was there for him.

I dunno. I mean yes, kind of. But if DSS mother was dead or DSS was actually their own first child, they would have probably arranged someone to look after him.

There are ways of making an effort to make your child feel wanted, without failing to be there for your other responsibilities.

Op, how did you go from loving this little boy to resenting him in the way that you do? You imply that the first wife changed when you got pregnant (although that doesn't explain why that made you change your attitude to the little boy) but everything you have posted here suggests that when you got pregnant with your own child, that it was actually you who changed.

The OP's husband should have been reassuring his first child that his first born child would still be loved by his father just as much as his father's second born child
He absolutely should, but it was not needed at the time where he asked for a bit of time, having to process what was happening at the time. Reassuring a 5 year old child is a continual process, it's not something you need to do as soon as a baby is born fighting for its life, a 5 year old won't be harmed by not seeing their father for one weekend.

Given the OP's vile comments about a "5 year old barging in to our house" that reassurance was clearly needed

I think as others have said, its not really about the child though. It's about how the OP was treated when she was at her most vulnerable. They had a good relationship up until the ex saw a baby arriving- then she changed and DH didn't stand up and set boundaries , thus creating this resentment.

3 year's later OP is still nursing her spite against a child who did nothing wrong

Again, I think the OP needs help unravelling her feelings as many have said, it's not about the child, it's about the way she is treated and made to feel by the ex and her DH.

I do feel sorry for the child though, mum wants rid of him every weekend, and OP doesn't want him there either.

I think as others have said, it's not really about the child though. It's about how the OP was treated when she was at her most vulnerable. They had a good relationship up until the ex saw a baby arriving- then she changed and DH didn't stand up and set boundaries , thus creating this resentment.

The Op is an adult. It is her responsibility to sort this out and stop damaging her stepson and her own son. She seems to have no intention of doing this and is instead, seeking validation from other poorly adjusted folk that her behaviour is ok.

it's not really about the child though. It's about how the OP was treated when she was at her most vulnerable.

But she's deflecting that on the child. Who was five at the time. And she still resents him for it now, three years later.

OP, surely you must see that none of this is the child's doing and you're displacing the issues on to him?