I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

And no doubt his behaviour will reflect this. It always leaks out somewhere. Poor kid.

Your issues are with your husband's ex, not that poor little boy. He has done nothing wrong and you are so spiteful. Even if his mum isn't great, your husband sounds like a good dad to him.

You do not have a DSS problem. You have a DH and an ex wife problem. DSS sounds like a normal 8 year old.
Does your DH have a formal arrangement for seeing his DS? Would he be willing to stir the hornets nest and insist on every other weekend, and 1/2 nights in the week?
And as for booking holidays, we had very similar problems with DSD and her mother for a while. In the end we resorted to telling the ex ‘we are going on holiday, there are these dates available. Which are better for DSD as it would be really sad if she were to miss out’
If your DH can’t get past being the disney dad or isn’t able to brave the exes wrath and and renegotiate times, holiday arrangements etc. Then you are going to have to reassess your relationship.
Being a step parent is incredibly tough. My DSD is now an adult with her own family, and our relationship is wonderful. But there were some pretty big bumps in the road along the way.

Can your DH have him during the week a few days and then every other weekend? The mum is probably tired after doing the drudgery of all of the school runs and weekends are probably the only chance for a break. The SS is just as much his child as your shared child is, nothing will change that. The holiday doesn't sound unreasonable, if you split and he remarries and has another child you won't be beholden to blindly agree with every holiday plan just because; you could have gone just you, DH and your child though which sounds like you'd have preferred anyway!

If you're unhappy then of course leave, it's good the SS dad spends time with him, something I'm sure you'd be keen on when you split for your child right?

Being a step parent is incredibly tough, the amount of people who walk into it without considering the child will always be a priority for the other parent and are just as precious to them as any future children they have together is sad.

Can people not read? Her and the SC got on really well . It wasn’t an issue that he already had a child.

The problem was having a baby with a man that can’t stand up to his ex.

I guess it's easier to blame a child for the situation all the grownups have created. It's always so galling to see, though.

OP, a word. If you can't stand siblings winding each other up and not living in perfect harmony all the time, don't have another kid.

I think YOU need to stop failing your child @holywow. I don't understand how or why an adult woman allows another adult woman to dictate what she does with her own child. What does it say about you that you stay in a relationship with a man who is incapable of putting your wants or needs first. Why are you clinging on to this man and taking out your frustrations on his son?
If you stay with him, accept that this is your life. Make your own plans with your child. Like fuck anyone else would dictate what I did with my child and my child miss out. What kind of mother would that make me?

I'm still not seeing what this poor child is doing wrong tbh
You hate your dh ex and your set up around having his son every week why is that this poor boys fault?
Sounds like you've got your ds now amd just can't be arsed with the rest of it
Poor kid - how do you see you sharing custody of your ds?

Oh and your son not going on a plane last year was your choice nothing to do with ex you could have gone without dss

Please leave op. Your feelings won't get any better, you'll be more irritated by him as he gets to the difficult teen years etc. I know my child's step mother doesn't like him and I hate having to send him there half the time but don't have a choice. I can't believe people are saying to push to every other weekend, this is a child, you can't just give him back like he's a possession.

You have to leave. You'll just have to Co parent with your partner with your child. This isn't going to end well and these aren't new feelings, you've been feeling like it for three years. It'll be hard to start with but it's honestly going to work out the best for everyone including the child. It's really not fair on him to grow up in a house where half the time he's not wanted.

You're justified to be annoyed about some of this but you're taking your resentment out on an innocent child not the useless adults in this situation - his mum and dad.

He's a child. He loves his dad. It sounds like his mum can't be arsed with him and now is stepmum 'can't stand' him either. However well you think you're hiding this, he will know.

I feel very sorry for the little 8 year old boy in this situation. Things like having his own room are completely normal and you should have realised all this before you shacked up with someone who already had a child.

You should seriously consider leaving if you can't sort this out, it's very unfair on the child.

DSS mum is being ridiculous. Time to put your foot down and say every other weekend.

Get holiday date agreed in advance. If she then plays silly buggers that’s her look-out not yours. Stick to your guns as you have another 7 years of this.

It sounds like ‘family’ to you means yourself, your husband and child. It isn’t. And it never ever will be. It never has been. The sooner you realize this the sooner you will be able to decide what you need to do.

7 years? And the rest! My eldest SS was still coming on a strict contact arrangement until he was 20, and we still have the youngest at 17!

I am another poster who thinks this isn't about the step child but about op's recognition of the reality of marrying (or partnering) someone who already has children. It is never going to be what you wish for, op because even if the child was never to visit your home again your dh would still want to be involved in his life and that requires that he negotiate with his ex and take time away from you and the younger child. I always wonder if women in this situation are relieved to be with a man who is committed to his child with another woman because it is an indication of how he would behave in the event of a split with you.

I think (hope) as you've thought about it a bit more you are more resentful of the control the ex and DH's pandering to her have on your life than your stepchild. (Although children can be annoying sometimes!.

If it helps I just planned to carry on with my child and I'd take them out etc and if DH and Stepchild could join us fine if not no worries. Don't let your child miss out on activities you want to do with them.

The stepmother book someone mentioned is a good read. It helped me accept that no, I'm not going to "treat them as my own" and that's not what the stepchildren needed from me. That doesn't mean treating them badly, it just means accepting my role isn't to parent.

Book holidays without your DSS or DH. Go alone with DS. Or get DH to put his big boy pants on and tell the ex "we're going on holiday on x date. DSS is welcome to come but if you're going to refuse it we won't be here to have him. I want him to come."

Then get him to sort his parenting out too while he's at it.

And yeah, leave if this can't be solved.

I can see all your points OP and unfortunately it is the ex's awful behaviour and your DH's willingness to put up with this crap from her that is clouding your judgment against the little boy.

What kind of person would not have empathy towards a couple who had just been through a traumatic birth and then had a child in NICU.

As regard the holiday I suspect it came down to her jealousy and needing to take him abroad first. That has happened now. Next year just book. Tell her we have booked for this date so we need him ready for this date to be collected and with his passport. If you will not allow him to go we will still be going between these 2 dates and will not be able to have him. She then becomes the bad guy of she doesn't let him go with daddy. Chances are if she dumps him off every weekend she won't want him thay weekend and will allow to come. If she doesn't go without. That's on her.

Sleeping arrangements - get DH to go to sleep with hin immediately you go tk bed and get the bed to yourself!

The issues aren't with DSS but with ex and how DH handles her. The resentment/frustration is just overspilling on DSS in your mind at least. I don't think it makes you a bad person at all, just a frustrated one at the end of your tether not knowing how to deal with/cope with the situation.

Sit down with DH on a day when DSSis not there and tackle how you would like to deal with things going forward. It's possible that you may even need to go to court to sort out proper contact arrangements regarding holidays but if thats the case then so be it.

OP, from reading all your updates you’re too far gone. I don’t think counselling would even help you at this stage. You are unbelievably spiteful and hateful towards a child for reasons that are nothing to do with him. It’s actually very sickening to read.

You have to end your marriage!!! Don’t be selfish enough to stay.

God forbid your DH gets to see his son 8 nights out of the month!

Also, you’re putting your own DS on a pedestal and this thread stinks of PFB. It’ll be interesting if you have another baby or your perfect child goes through a ‘rough stage’.

It's ok to feel how you do @holywow. It sounds like you've tried your best for a long time. Ignore any posts that do not help you in any way.

Step kids are hard, step mums who have totally different values/attitudes to ourselves are hard too. Step mums who abuse their 'power' to push their exh to choose their DC above & beyond everyone else. It sounds more like she is jealous of you & sadly using her DC to manipulate the situation every time she can.

It's really sad that you can't give your DS the parental support you want to over the times your DSS is there. Weekends must be stressful & it sounds like they have been for 3 years. That's a long time.

Be kind to yourself because you are not truly the person you have found yourself to be every weekend. It's the situation that is pushing you into that place.

It's time to focus on yourself & your DS - to think about setting some boundaries in place to help - assuming your DH would come on board with that.

If he cannot see there is a problem it's time to leave.

In the meantime is there any chance that you & your DC might go on holiday alone just to give yourself a break.

@Moro93 You sound like you might be the ex wife who is actually the spiteful one when you look at her behaviour towards a newborn baby in NICU or didn't you read the full thread.

I can’t believe the amount of people saying to demand every other weekend! So is her DH only supposed to see his son 4 nights per month? Because I’m pretty sure she’d also have an issue with having him during the week and having to take him to school. Even if her dad takes him, I’m sure he might miss her lovely little boys breakfast time so that can’t happen obviously.

I find it really sad the mum doesn't want her child any weekend at all

A fairer way way would be eow and maybe 2 nights tue thur the week doesn't have them

Or every sat noon to Sunday evening

Dh needs to talk to his ex

That might be true, but instead of focusing on her and his sick child, her DH entertained that conversation, and then relayed it back to her.

Do you think DSS is picking up on the fact his mother doesn’t seem to want him around and is jealous of your DC?
Your DC is being raised in a stable house with a mother and his father. That could explain the teasing.

I’ve read every one of the OP’s updates and most of the posters comments.
It isn’t ok for her to blame an 8 year old for the actions of his mother.

I also had some sympathy originally reading that update, until the end when she started going on about how are SC more important even in a situation like that. Actually, I’m pretty sure that both his sons should be equally important to her DH. The mum was at fault but if they had another child and couldn’t get someone to look after them, would she then resent her own child if something similar happened?