I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Really feel for you op, hope you can see past the nasty posts. You’re just being honest. I hope you can find a way forward.

I think you have a dh / dss mum problem, not a dss problem

No. OP is the problem. I'm horrified by posters trying to excuse her appalling selfish, spiteful attitude.

Yes, she's certainly honest. But beyond that I can't drum up any sympathy for her.

I think what stand out here is that your resentment is actually with DSs mum and your routine and that she is so inflexible.

You need to say that this situation is not working for everyone. Every weekend is very difficult and I can’t understand why his Mum doesn’t want to do things with her child at weekends.

When emergency’s crop up his Mum needs to be flexible and expect that your DH won’t be available. I think your DH needs to reevaluate the routine.

Actually I don't think she is being particularly honest. All the blame is laid at this child's door for shitty parents and the OP is completely ignoring those posts and not answering why.

You need to talk to your husband and you need 'house rules' that everyone keeps to.Write them out and stick them on the wall if you have to.

DSS sounds like he is not comfortable at his father's home, he probably resents you, you get to sleep with his dad all week and he can't even do that at the weekend.

DSS winding up his younger sibling is not on, there is enough of an age gap for him to know that and to behave.

I think you need to structure a few things.

1. decide when you are going on holiday and stick to those weeks every year, that way DSS and Exw know when you are going.

2. Organise some time when your DH and your DSS have some time just them. Either they go out or you go out with the 3 year old. If DSS is there every weekend then there is room for some sort of activity he can do with dad or with dad attending.

3. Why can't your DH sleep in your DSS room one night a week? Either Friday or Saturday?

What would happen if the mum just handed the child over full time, or died, went to prison. Then it's full time parenting and when you become a step parent you have to understand this might be a possibility.

For those saying every weekend is too much. Well probably not for the child's dad who might want to see him as much as he can.

I'm actually on your side, OP. Sounds really hard and I don't know what to suggest apart from ending your marriage?

one day someone will start a petition to stop women marrying men who already have children that don’t fit into their idea of a perfect family life.

get an actual grip of yourself!!!

Hi OP, I have a one year old with a 6yo DSS, and have definitely found myself feeling the things listed.
I wouldn't say I 'hate' him as I do love the little pickle to bits, but I do find myself with a lot of emotions on similar subjects.
We have him 50/50 and I find days he's here are all about him, my daughter loses her Dad, the house is mayhem and it's all 'I want X, Y, Z' which of course is delivered!
Screen time is rife, things aren't tidied away...goes against how I'm raising DD.

So similar that, had I not caught myself, I could see me being you in two years.

However, I caught myself after a particularly end of my tether weekend, and reframed to realise the issue is that his presence highlights DH's poor parenting. He's allowed to do all of these things, he's just being 6, DH is supposed to be in charge but is too scared of him not having the best time ever at our house and therefore not wanting to come, that he lets him run riot.
A few stern conversations, and some decisive action on my part to just book the holidays, book days out for me and DD so she has a great time (we still do things as a family group too, but I'm conscious to book us something separately so we have space), and also realising that a two child household is just more chaotic than an only child one...which is what we become when he's here.

I still get emotional and overwhelmed, as I'm sure most Mums and Stepmums do, but it's nowhere near as bad!! When I find it building, I just ask DH to parent his two children while I go for a break somewhere.

Also, I'm sure you do everything you can to ensure your DSS is none the wiser as to your frustrations!

By all means, leave if you feel it's best, but change and improvement is 100% possible.

I am absolutely NOT anti man. I can't see anything in any of the OPs posts where she mentions her DH taking collective responsibility for his family.

From what she says, his balls shrivelled up the day his second child was born and he is incapable of being an adult and actually doing something about the shitshow of his own making.

I would bet a large sum of money that if he had they would not be in this situation. He is a spineless so and so, letting BOTH of his children suffer because he can't or won't have a conversation.

Come to think of it, he failed on another point - not reading the OP the riot act and then trying to work out and resolve the issues affecting the family as a whole.

The OP certainly needs to check herself and either force her DH to sort things out, or fuck off...

What did your dh do here?

Why didn't you go to tenerife? Why do you have every single weekend, but arent permitted to go abroad. That is all on your dh.

So many of these resentments are on him. Time he stood up.

Every weekend is very difficult and I can’t understand why his Mum doesn’t want to do things with her child at weekends.

What's "difficult" about it? Her husband has 2 children. What's so bizarre about hiusband spending the weekends with both his children? It might be odd the stepson's mother doesn't want weekends but so what? Bottom line is husband has 2 children. He shouldn't be prioritising one over the other.

OP is a grown up - she made the choice to get involved with a man who already had a child.

He takes collective responsibility by caring for both his children, which he is doing. ‘Letting them suffer’ ‘balls shrivelling up’ ‘failing’ what absolute baloney. Your language is just so extreme - what I would expect to hear from somebody talking about their feckless absent ex. You sound like somebody who is a little triggered by this and has an axe to grind rather than somebody with a calm measure of the situation.

Righto. You go with that then.

Having never had any experience of a blended family. Nope, no triggers.

You sound like an apologist for her useless husband. Who is not looking out for either child, rather behaving like one himself.

The men are capable, if we allow them to be, you know.

OP you don't have a DSS problem you have an ex problem. She sounds awful. I cannot abide my ex but I would absolutely 100pc have kept my kids extra nights had his new baby been in NICU etc.
Think about it this way ... the woman is manipulating her son and creating difficult situations and this is causing the issues in behaviour.
If I were you, I'd ask DH to get a proper access order in place ideally court which gives a better set of access arrangements. More balanced and also allows you to have proper summer holidays eg a week or more.
I'd also consider trying to reframe everything that DSS does that annoys you. So if he's being mean to your DS maybe it's because the ex has wound him up about the child. DSS is not the bad guy her. The ex is!

It's the ex wife and your DH who are the problem here. It sounds like she calls all the shots in your life and that would wind me up beyond belief as well. Eg the hospital example, why the hell didn't he just text her and say he's not picking up DSS this weekend and this is why? What would she do, come down the hospital and force him. I think your DH needs to stand up to her - what's he so afraid of?

I don’t think you’re evil or vile or anything else, you’re clearly at the end of your tether and mistakenly aiming your resentment at DSS. Your DH needs to realise his ex is a paper tiger because the usual driver for having such weak boundaries is fear of contact being stopped, which sounds highly unlikely to happen in your case (I well believe DSS’s mum willingly wants to spend no weekend time with her child because my own DSC mum was the same in that respect).

Until your DH can get on board with having firmer boundaries with his ex, which should then trickle down into giving him the confidence to implement firmer parenting for DSS where appropriate e.g. stepping in to stop DSS teasing DS, then this situation isn’t going to get any better I’m afraid.

This thread is populated, as ever, by the first wives and partners, who will absolutely tear strips off you.

But I completely understand you here. The resentment is totally understandable in light of the way the ex wife and your partner behave. Plus people like the ex MIL pitching in.

This set up is awful and if I were you I’d leave. I know you’re worried about him having contact with your partner and the step son without you there, but it seems your partner has the level of contact with his first son dictated by the first wife. How much do you think he’d bother with your son if you didn’t push it?

It’s all very sad but your son is losing out and the relationship is wrecked by your understandable resentment. So I think you have to leave.

And well done for being brave with this thread. I suspect you wanted to be torn apart out of guilt, but you don’t deserve some of the ludicrously biased posts by the first wives club.

I actually don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to leave in this situation. If your DH is unable to prioritise you in the times you need it most (when you are in hospital and when you almost lost your baby) then it seems like he never will. It makes you feel totally alone and resentful on top of an already stressful situation. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you.

If both children were yours you would be there for the child most in need. The other would have had to stay with friends and family for a bit. There would be no one dictating whether you could do that or not. It’s not as if you didn’t have a support system. You weren’t able to use it because there is someone else in the picture who is not letting you.

If the situation had been reversed and it was DSS who was in hospital, you would have either looked after your own child yourself or been happy for him to go to family. I doubt you would be the one demanding that the dad leave hospital right now to pick up your child.

So I think your feelings about wanting to leave so that you can be in control of your own life are valid.

I don’t think your feelings of resentment towards DSS are valid. It’s really not his fault at all. Any issues you are having are because of his parents, not him.

I well believe DSS’s mum willingly wants to spend no weekend time with her child because my own DSC mum was the same in that respect).

And why is it such a problem that the father should see both his children at weekends? Oh and "step mother doesn't like it, step mother wants weekends free with just her children" is not an answer.

You're unhinged. None of this is the fault of an 8 year old, 5 year old when your golden child was born. Yes your baby was in NICU I know how that feels mine was too. Also think about a 5 year old and all the anxiety of daddy having a new family and then the very first weekend after the baby is born daddy isn't coming. When you have older children you have to prioritise both.

I don't understand the mother wanting no weekend time with the child either, but that should engender empathy for the child not hatred! So he's not wanted at the weekend by his mum and his step mum hates him, made worse by the fact that you didn't and spent time with him, until your own precious child came along, the only person he's got in his corner is his daddy.

Someone with your attitude should never have had a child with someone who already had one. It turns my stomach to read the way you describe a young child.

Go on the holiday anyway. Your DH is the problem if he's insisting you can't do anything without DSS

Its the working week in between that’s the issue.
The mum has her child at school and gets every weekend off.
Op has her busy week and then every weekend she has another child in the mix ,so no weekend off.

I bet she’d be less resentful if it was whole weeks with the SC but also whole weeks off.

I should add, the ex can be a PITA but is not up there with your problem ex.
My DD was born early and then in hospital again at 6 weeks old and whilst the ex insisted we take DSS (despite having covid on one occasion) she allowed the grandparents to step in.
DH got a hard time from her, but DSS was unaware of the whole thing. It does sound like the ex plays to the emotions of the child which leaves your DH in an uphill struggle.