I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

I think you should start giving the ex wife a choice. So SS can come away to Lanzerote with us for a week or we won’t be picking him up that weekend but have arranged for granny to have him. If she doesn’t like it then tough. You have him every weekend and she needs to compromise sometimes otherwise you will become more and more resentful.

You could leave, but then your DH could meet someone else and then your DS could end up being a DSS too in that scenario. How would you feel if his new partner despised your son in the same way? I agree with PP that his son probably wants his dad to share his bed because he's unsettled by the atmosphere. Kids are very astute and your hatred for him, which you probably think you're hiding, will be very obvious to him.

Nowhere in your responses does it say that you've tried talking to your DH about how you're feeling. Surely that's a good starting point? If he knows how stressed you are and where it goes back to – your DS fighting for his life in hospital and his ex refusing to relent for one second on the weekend access – he might understand and take steps to improve the situation, like pushing back on a weekend so you can at least have a holiday abroad this year.

But I suspect he won't. You were a gift from the gods to him, a shiny new partner he could palm off his toddler son on for childcare while he worked. I think in his eyes that's your job now - to facilitate his first child no matter what.

Did you ever think you are being a horrible step mum?

Poor little boy. I’m sure your own son has annoying habits too possibly. We all do.

Can you not see your step son as a lovable part of your husband?

Of course you need to compromise in a blended family to make it work.

To go against the grain I think I understand why you feel like this. It isn’t your DSC’s fault, it sounds like his Mum has caused a lot of resentment to build up and your DH hasn’t helped matters. Lay it on the table. Tell your DH that he either goes to court to get a proper 50/50 arrangement or you will spend each weekend at your parents. Start by taking your DS away next weekend to get some space and allow DH some 1-1 time.

That sounds a really difficult situation, OP. You have my sympathy.

Every single weekend does seem too much.

I’d take DS on a fancy holiday on my own. It might bring into focus to DH the situation he’s facilitating by being unassertive.

Could you take DSS on a 4 night holiday - maybe center parcs? It would be great (if unlikely) if you could get the two children to bond into friends and playmates as your DS gets older.

If you were to have another child, you might find the dynamics change a lot. Also, once DS starts doing Saturday activities and parties - the ones that DSS got to go to, thanks to you - the dynamics will change again.

I hope you can find your way back to feeling affection for your DSS, and just remember he’s DH’s responsibility, not yours.

This time will pass.

This has probably been mentioned (I’ve not read the thread) but if you can afford to live alone then surely you have the money to take your son on holiday alone and do some activities with him on a weekend. Just because your stepson comes every weekend, doesn’t mean you have to do everything together

Also, you’re putting your own DS on a pedestal and this thread stinks of PFB.

I would hope so, he is OP's first born 🙄 if your own mum can't put you on a pedestal then it's a sad day isn't it?

The amount of people on MN that advise leaving like it's the easiest thing in the world always astounds me. Divorce, particularly with children is unbelievably hard, emotionally and financially. You should always try other avenues if you can. I am almost through an extremely toxic divorce and it WAS the right thing but the emotional impact has been huge. This situation sounds salvageable. It's about you. I really advise you to get professional help. On your own at first and then with your husband. The rest of your marriage sounds fine and if you don't do something, you will give up something that is good 90% of the time over something that is in your power to control. If you are not willing to do the work and manage your feelings towards his ex (as it sounds like actually that's the main issue) then you should leave as it's not the 8 year olds fault and he doesn't deserve this. But in a few years I Imagine you'll regret that. Accept the problem is largely yours (with maybe a bit of your husband as I am sure he can do things to manage his ex) and do something about it before it's too late. Good luck.

Are you really going to take your child away from it's father because you can't stand his other child? What do you think this will do to your child? You might not be able to stand your own child when it's 8 yes old, what will you do then? What if you find another partner who can't stand your child? What if the father finds a new partner who hates your child? Nothing will be better in future unless you get some help with overcoming your jealousy. Yes , you leaving us probably best for your step child but don't for one moment think it will make your or your child's life better. The issue is with you and you need to resolve it, preferably in a way that doesn't create more difficulties for both children.

But he isn’t her DH’s first born and she’s expecting him to act like he is. She is acting resentful to an 8 year old for things out of his control.

It sounds like the ex partner expects things to be the same way as before your DC came along. Unfortunately it doesn't always work like that (your DC being in hospital Is a good example). I'm not sure what the answer is here OP,what does your DH say. Have you spoken to him about it?

The simple fact is that you're taking out your feelings that should be aimed towards adults, on an 8 year old boy.

Well put KBroughton, you have expressed what I meant but in a far more sympathetic way.

So you used this poor boy as a substitute child, showering him with love and affection, taking him out and spending 1 on 1 time with him until you had your own baby when you dropped him like a hot potato. Now you resent him because of his mother and you don’t need him to pretend to be your kid any more because you got one of your own.

None of this is your DSS fault. He’s 8. Grow the fuck up, seek some therapy and start being a bit nicer to a child who has no say in any of this.

@Richard1985 but then her PFB pedestalled child would be 'missing out' on precious Daddy time ..... 🙄

Of course, that 'argument' only works inside the head of someone who has the ability to neglect the fact he has exclusive Daddy time five nights a week/holiday times that Daddy's PFB doesn't .....

It's pretty obvious, to me anyway, the OP views the 'nuclear' family as the pinnacle of familial existence despite marrying a man who already had his PFB.

I’d be interested to hear your DH views on all this. Does he know the extent of your feelings? If so how did he respond?
I think you need to have a frank discussion with him but considering the strength of your emotions towards DSS be prepared for a tough time.

This

Have you thought that the issues between your DSS and your DS are because of how you have changed towards your DSS and he is jealous

how all the adults reacted at your sons birth

I kind of get what you’re saying but I also get what everyone else is saying. You’re angry at the wrong person. None of this is your dss fault, it’s his mum.

You have to find a way though this, you either stay with dh and make it work or you leave and have your son potentially dealing with a sm who like you may resent any sc because of how the adults are dealing with everything.

Yanbu to be hurt and angry about what happened in those early days but yabu to take it out on a child. You have to work out what to do now and how to manage this going forwards.

Is it worth finding a therapist who works with blended families so you can talk about what has happened and strategies to deal with what may come in the future? Can you let go and learn to love your dss again?

I don't think it's the child you hate just the situation. I'd sit your DH down as talk to him.
Every other weekend sounds more reasonable to me. OR he needs to be firmer with the ex. Tell her you're booking a holiday and if DSS can't come for a week then he won't be seeing him that weekend. What will she do? I'm guessing she won't stop contact because she likes having her free time.
Being a SP is hard and I struggle a lot but I think this is solveable.

It really isn't the kids fault it's his mum that the problem

You sound truly awful OP that poor child is only eight years old, he has every right to be with his father every weekend and more. No wonder he needs his Dad to cuddle him in bed he obviously feels your resentment. You are very resentful against the child’s mother too.
I feel sorry not just for the child but for your partner too, it must be heartbreaking that you resent his son so much.
You make such a big thing about a holiday, is that really such a dealbreaker, you sound so selfish it’s unbelievable really.
If you can’t treat your DSS, no idea why you put the first D in your post, with the respect and love and compassion that an eight year old deserves then you should leave.

The bottom line is that you don’t have the emotional maturity to be a SM OP. If you had an older child yourself they would have still needed dealing with when you were in hospital with DS. Generally in that circumstance parents take it in turns to do shifts at the hospital while the other cares for the child/children.

I can see it was annoying not to be able to have a holiday, but that’s the only justified beef in the whole thread - and that just required your DH to be more firm.

You’ve had a bit of a hard time here IMO. Having rtft its not a DSS issue it’s a DH and his ex wife issue

DH needs to step up frankly rather than pandering to his ex wife.
he also needs to parent his own son, not give him everything he wants and make clear to him that winding up his little brother is not on.

I’m quite shocked tbh that the ex wife apparently barely sees her own son. I would be pushing for an EOW arrangement, possibly with some more time during the week though so that the DSS doesnt feel pushed out.

regardless, you need to be VERY straight with your DH about how you’re feeling in all this. If he continues to be a pushover, then this relationship cannot survive.

I had a friend in a very similar situation and they decided to live semi separately. Her partner had his own flat where he lived with his DS 50% of the week and then when his DS went to his mother’s house my friend’s partner would come to live with her and their shared baby. So he was 50/50 with each of his children.
obviously they were very fortunate that they had this option.

OP it really sounds to me as if you need some therapy. Understandably your child being so unwell at birth was terrifying. However, when you have two children it is absolutely true that would have to balance their needs even whilst one is poorly. Look at it this way, DSS was probably really excited about this sibling and then everyone was away and scared and it wasnt the exciting thing everyone had promised him. It doesn't feel like he has an awesome life. Children should feel special and loved and cherished. And you can't seem to get past some second hand resentment from how his mum has behaved.

So maybe go and get some therapy and in the meanwhile really try to be the step parent you were pre your own child. Imagine how he feels, you used to adore him and now there is another child that's replaced him in your affections. What you describe seems normal sibling stuff to me. He isn't horrible to him and that's to his credit.

When you're feeling more balanced have a think about whether there's a better pattern for everyone and get that mediated / agreed / written down. That could include a week's holiday in the summer for example.

But you cannot continue to seethe with resentment at a child. It's unbearably cruel. He had no say in any of this and shouldnt carry the weight of your disappointment about Wales or your lack of bedrooms.