Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

She needs to tell him that.

@aSofaNearYou if the dad didn't feed the kids and the step mum refused to feed them as not her responsibility would you not think that both adults in that scenario were neglectful.

I feel for those kds. They will come to realise they are the odd ones out. They will come to realise no one will bother to take care of them at dads. Right now they want to live their because as op says they're not made to do any chores etc - wonderful! Fun! For them. They will soon realise no one will bother about them, no one will prioritise them.

But this means that either the OP has to do the laundry herself, @Carpediemmakeitcount, or she has to take on the mental load of making sure her useless dh does it - either way, it ends up on her list of responsibilities, not his.

As I said just now - there is no easy answer to this.

She needs to make his ears ring not say darling can you put your children's clothes in the washing machine and don't forget to make their lunch. Shw needs to roar down his ears do it now you feckless man.

She has. He's one of those "weaponised incompetent" men. Can manage to get himself to work, look after himself, remember when his favourite footie team is playing/when his mate Steve wants to go out for a boozy night with the lads etc just fine, but kids? Meh. Can't be arsed. What a great catch he is.

Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

Uh oh.

<<checks updates>>

Yep.

He needs to get real if this is going to happen, because yes, it'll fall to you.

Presumably she did, and that’s why the kids ended up with no lunch -the alternative was her and the kids being late for work/school. While uncle dad dumps and runs.

This.

Does their mum know this is the level of neglect they suffer at your house?

It may be fun but it's not adequate parenting.

This is exactly why I will never, ever get into a step parent relationship. It's easier/less stressful to just go it on my own with just my own kids than dealing with all that extra useless man baggage. Why bother?

No. she had the packed lunches dropped on her at the last minute and it would have made her late for work and the kids late for school. Why is that her responsibility ? Why can’t he do it ? The

In my house there is 6 of us if we was to go out on a Saturday the house would have to be tidied first. We all pitch in and do it. Maybe the op could try that with all of them and stick with it. The washing, hovering etc is delegated. It teaches the kids how to look after a house because many people don't know that basic skill and their house is a shit hole.

Fuck the kids. My inner child is screaming the more I read.

I think this is the crux, and the solution. OP needs to make it clear to the kids’ mum what’s going on, and what’s likely to happen if there’s more contact time. Their mum was married to their dad - surely she’s seen what he’s like for herself, so it won’t come as too much of a shock to take on board that the OP isn’t willing to give him a free pass.

Not really, I would think that that was the wrong word. Ungenerous, maybe, but not neglectful as unless it was agreed between them, it was never her responsibility to neglect.

But I would not consider someone ungenerous for refusing to get dragged into a long term commitment of this nature, like in this case. It's too much to ask (or in this case not ask).

It’s not fuck the kids. If it were, why are they so desperate to spend more time with the OP and their dad ?

She shouldn't need to tell him that. He's a grown man. Surely he's aware his children need clean uniforms and fed at school. Despite this, she says she does remind him and he still doesn't do it.

OP please I beg you don't take on anymore days with his kids. You work and have your own to look after you can only do so much. It's unfortunate you can't trust your husband to do the simple tasks of basic care for his children. I would tell him no you can't do it and you are struggling as a single parent.

It is shocking that OP is not part of the negotiations when she is the one who will be judged and blamed when the kids don't have the right stuff on the right day. It shows how naive dad is about the responsibility. Is he imagining fun every day when the kids need structure including boring stuff like reading school books ?

I agree that OP needs to consider telling the kids mum about what really happens on Mondays and what the kids lives will be like if they live full time eg the hobbies.

OP it will not be possible to raise your kids and how differently. Each group will complain and rebel that they don't get what they see are the perks of the other kids. Your kids won't like the fact that his kids will be getting away with not doing homework and not eating vegetables while his will be pissed off when there's no decorations for birthdays and nobody watches them at their matches because you have to take your child to their match. If you h has his kids full time then he needs to make changes like his working hours because his and your kids could have different inset days and days that they are ill. His kids and ex are going to blame you when the care that you invest in your kids will mean that the gulf between yours and his kids widens.

He's fun dad with no rules. When I was a teenager the last thing I thought about was good I wanted fun. There were days I went with out food.

Food

So she needs to continue to carry the mental load of preparing the kids for school, she needs to raise her voice, continuously nag and nag until he actually does what he's supposed to. That's just as exhausting that just actually doing it for him. Then you can guarantee when he's talking to his mates he'll be slagging her off for being a nag.

No - keep up !

I agree it's his responsibility I can't believe he just leaves for work if OP has made it clear his kids are not her responsibility. I guess he's lucky she doesn't just call the police and say they've been left alone at home as she leaves in the morning with her kids? (although I think the police would assume she is responsible for them as their stepmother and adult who lives with them) But she's not getting this dropped on her at the last minute this has happened multiple times and she's made it clear in her posts that if they move in, it will continue to happen. Doesn't she wake up and see it's happened again and have some time in the morning to deal with it if she really wanted to?

And they’re getting just that, so what’s your problem. Why is your inner child screaming ?