Do I go to sports day

[Partnerhasboys]

I have been in my partners children's life for nearly 2 years.

Their mother doesn't like me full stop. If there father is on facetime, she will hold the phone and I am not allowed to speak. She recently went to school to stop the boys being added to the pictures on Facebook as I liked one.

Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life. I attend foodball games already.

My concern is their mum. How to handle this. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

When the SM is the OW and yes it does happen, although always denied on Mumsnet - then the circumstances are very different.

And the OP has not said the children want her there she said if.

Either way - would not go

Of course it happens but it's not exclusively a step mum thing. Many relationships where people don't have children also overlap. But the possibility that it might have is only randomly brought up in the way you have just now when it's a step mum.

Yes and there are people that believe the earth is flat still.

But we are talking about this specific op. Who isn't the OW ? It's weird that you brought that up tbh.

When you meet a step dad and say dad doesn't like him. Do you naturally assume it's because he was the other man ? 🤔 or does it just apply to step mums.

Also "They often hope am not working to attend their football" from ops comments kinda indicates the kids would like to see her there. But we shall just ignore that.

But again I suppose that reading ability vanishes because it doesn't fit in with whatever narrative is going on with you 🤯

I brought it up because a previous poster was saying the DM needs to get over it - there are so many nuances to the relationship and to simplify it down to just get over it trivialises some of the damage that is done in many cases.

I get on v well with my DCs second SM and would not blink if she turned up at sports day, but the first was the OW and we were never going to get on. I moved on from the shock and hurt with time - in my time - not hers and EXs but her behaviour to my DCS was so bad - I would never be in a room with her if I knew she was going to be there. I would not go and out myself in the position to cause disquiet.

Like I said - if you know there are issues why stoke the fire just because.....

@uneffingbelievable again the thing is op could be the other ow. Or the ex may be bitter raging bitter.

Both possibilities are true. However if your doing right by your children, you act like a adult and don't make it awkward. You don't need to engage with them, just focus on the kids.

My dd sm comes to sports days, welcome at any event she would like to come to and I'm nice and polite at all times to her because my dd likes her.

Her being the ow isnt greater faux than my ex shagging around after the loss of our first child. Regardless you can be a shit partner and a good parent. I won't punish them both for the former and impact the latter by being hostile.

I will say this though (I think I have said it before - the evil sm in your story, maybe have been evil, but dad allowing that... well that makes him worse in my book) so I hope he steps on a nail.

I just think really it's only a issue if the adults make it a issue and I refuse to do that because I generally (to quote the teen of the house) idgaf.

Am not hostile and was never hostile to SM1 - because I made sure I was never in the position where she and I would be at the same event.

People move on in there own time - believe me I bite my tongue with regard to my EX but that is a situation I can not avoid because what has gone before is irrelevant to us co parenting.

If I as an SM knew my SDCs mother would be uncomfortable with my presence for what ever reason I would not go - she and my DP split 12 yrs before we met. This is more my point - if you know it is an issue irrespective of reason why do people insist on all sides of the equation making it worse. The event is not a major event so leave the children to enjoy both their parents without having to negotiate the feelings of adults at their event and their moment.

@uneffingbelievable yer I mean we aren't disagreeing. I wouldn't go but my reasons would be different than yours.

But would I judge someone for attending despite what mums wants because it's their belief that the dsc want them there. No.
Would I say their perspective is wrong, also no.

But would judge of there was a kick off because mum couldn't stand being on the same field as sm and like a adult and started making the sports day about her emotions and not the kids. Yes I would.

As I would judge any adult who did that to there kids. a step parent shouldn't be held to a higher standard than the parents in my view.

WE do agree!!
OP has not mentioned what the SDCs want -it is what their DF and she would like.
In an already high conflict situation as described I would not go, even if the SDCs said come.