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Original poster

Do I go to sports day

158 replies

Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 07:45

I have been in my partners children's life for nearly 2 years.

Their mother doesn't like me full stop. If there father is on facetime, she will hold the phone and I am not allowed to speak. She recently went to school to stop the boys being added to the pictures on Facebook as I liked one.

Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life. I attend foodball games already.

My concern is their mum. How to handle this. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

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Original poster
Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 12:55

It's very hard to write everything in a comment. The boys have previously asked to speak to me on facetime. I would always leave the room. To my own thing. Until they s

OP posts:
Original poster
Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 12:56

It's very hard to write everything in a comment. The boys have previously asked to speak to me on facetime. I would always leave the room. To my own thing. Until they started asking to speak to me. It was only then I said hello. She came on and said do not speak to her. Facetime is for dad only.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 03/06/2023 12:58

It's up to othe children what they want? I don't know why your partner needs support at a childs sports day and pps have mentioned,I presume it is the kids competing? So sure go along for them if they want you there

WandaWonder · 03/06/2023 13:05

WandaWonder · 03/06/2023 12:58

It's up to othe children what they want? I don't know why your partner needs support at a childs sports day and pps have mentioned,I presume it is the kids competing? So sure go along for them if they want you there

I think I misread the support bit

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/06/2023 13:05

I'm nearly always on the side of the stepmother on here but I wouldn't go. It just causes drama when there needn't be any. Even if the kids were desperate for you to be there I still wouldn't go because youre the adult and can see the bigger picture. Mum and Dad should go. I do think it's lovely that you want to be so involved but step back a little bit. It's ok for mum and dad to attend things together and it's nice for the kids to see that they can get on and attend events for their sake.

Waitingforsummer75 · 03/06/2023 13:06

How long were your DP and his wife separated for before you met him? She may still be hurting from the split. I'm in a similar situation, except my exh had an affair and now the OW expects to be invited to everything DS does, it's unnecessary and awkward for everyone, except her obviously.

SlippySarah · 03/06/2023 13:13

Don't go. It will cause drama and won't be of any benefit to the DC. I'm sure you can find something better to do with your afternoon.

AlisonDonut · 03/06/2023 13:17

Just stop antagonising her, and back off. You really don't need to go to sports day. Or speak to them on facetime.

Original poster
Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 13:18

They had been seperated a year. She had a new partner when I met him.

We have been together nearly 3 years.

I clearly didn't word things appropriately or correctly.

I attend events for my nieces and friends children. I see alot of step partner, blended families, ever changing partners. I don't judge. I think it's nice they are there.

It might come across petty, childish, jealous, but the whole reason for this post was for advice to do the right thing. If the boys want me there, I'll go. If not, I won't. They often hope am not working to attend their football. Just sports day is a nice terriotory.

OP posts:
Waitingforsummer75 · 03/06/2023 13:28

Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 13:18

They had been seperated a year. She had a new partner when I met him.

We have been together nearly 3 years.

I clearly didn't word things appropriately or correctly.

I attend events for my nieces and friends children. I see alot of step partner, blended families, ever changing partners. I don't judge. I think it's nice they are there.

It might come across petty, childish, jealous, but the whole reason for this post was for advice to do the right thing. If the boys want me there, I'll go. If not, I won't. They often hope am not working to attend their football. Just sports day is a nice terriotory.

When you go to football is mum there too? I think football matches are completely different to a school sports day and, while it's nice you want to be involved, personally I would not attend a school event if mum didn't want me there. The children should be old enough to understand you go to football but sports day is for mum and dad. Just my opinion.

WhamBamThankU · 03/06/2023 13:32

You're being very selfish if you go knowing the mum doesn't want you there and that it could lead to repercussions. You have no right to be there, anything to do with school is for the parents and grandparents etc where appropriate.

greyhairnomore · 03/06/2023 13:37

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/06/2023 08:14

. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

Why? he's a grown up and they're his kids. Not yours. You're a girlfriend not a step mum. You don't need to go to sports day as the kids have their two parents there, doing so will only annoy their mum and in turn, won't cause anyone to enjoy sports day.

Exactly , why do you have to be joined at the hip ?? Odd.

Kanaloa · 03/06/2023 13:39

I would not attend. It’s very awkward and embarrassing as a child if your mum and stepmum/dad and stepdad don’t get on. And it puts a lot of pressure on special events. The focus should be entirely on the children, but they end up thinking ‘oh I hope mum and Katie don’t argue, I will quickly go to dad and Katie then go to mum and try to keep them apart, I hope they don’t embarrass me.’

Why cause that stress? The child’s parents can attend their school event and cheer them on/support them as needed. They can tell you about it at another time.

Kanaloa · 03/06/2023 13:41

Also I think you need to let go of the ‘I hate my partner leaving me to attend events’ thing. It’s super childish. He is a grown up man who presumable (hopefully) works and is a good father. This means that sometimes he will have responsibilities other than entertaining you.

AnneElliott · 03/06/2023 13:48

I think you shouldn't go. Why cause drama for just a sports day - it's not like it's a wedding!

Just be careful that often the dad will want both a drudge to do the boring shit parts of child rearing but also to rub mums face in it that he's moved on. I have friends with both types of exes and the new GF often gets caught up in it before she realises it.

Back off of face time as well - often pushing yourself forward makes you look needy so just let your DP get on with it.

ThePorchSwingCrowd · 03/06/2023 13:48

I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

This is a really odd comment. He is a father and will need to do things for/with his children, sometimes without you. You sound a big needy.

I wouldn’t go. You don’t need to and it’ll just cause trouble.

ChuckMater · 03/06/2023 14:00

I wouldn't. I think in this situation you need to consider, does dh want you there, does ex want you there, does dsc want you there?

The answer to atleast 1 of those questions is no and I don't think its fair for the children to then feel the tension when really there's no need for you to be there and they can tell you about it afterwards.

If the child is asking (not you asking them, but them bringing it up) you to attend then that's different but tread carefully.

CremeEgg1983 · 03/06/2023 14:09

WhamBamThankU · 03/06/2023 13:32

You're being very selfish if you go knowing the mum doesn't want you there and that it could lead to repercussions. You have no right to be there, anything to do with school is for the parents and grandparents etc where appropriate.

I disagree. She has every right to be there, the mum doesn't own the school nor does she get to dictate who attends sports day.

All adults should focus on the children, including the mum and that means putting personal feelings aside and looking at the positive, that is actually nice people being there for the children.

Laurdo · 03/06/2023 15:31

CremeEgg1983 · 03/06/2023 14:09

I disagree. She has every right to be there, the mum doesn't own the school nor does she get to dictate who attends sports day.

All adults should focus on the children, including the mum and that means putting personal feelings aside and looking at the positive, that is actually nice people being there for the children.

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This. I honestly couldn't give a shit what my stepkids mum wants. If I went with what she wanted I wouldn't exist at all until she needed a favour or someone to make the easter bonnet.

If you're doing to be in the kids lives long term she's just going to have to get used to you being around and she's going to have to learn to be an adult about it.

My DH is delighted that I'm going to be able to go to DSDs nursery graduation for a few reasons, one being DSD will be happy to see me there and two he won't have to deal with the snidey comments from his ex on his own. In fact she'll probably just avoid him if I'm there so if anything it'll be less awkward.

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/06/2023 15:46

It comes down to the kids, if they ask for you there then I'd say go but if they don't ask them don't go. But don't ask the kids directly so they feel they have to say yes

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2023 15:57

The irony is that SM's are expected to live and treat their own children like their own , but when they do it apparently freaks out the children's mum.

Yes this thread has been a very good example of the double standard there. I don't think OP should go, because I don't think she should be expected to love and treat them as their own. But the reactions on this thread show plain as day that parents often don't actually want that when it happens.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 03/06/2023 16:14

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/06/2023 12:29

The irony is that SM's are expected to live and treat their own children like their own , but when they do it apparently freaks out the children's mum. Confused

Show quote history

I wouldn't expect a step parent to treat the kids as if they are their own.

Their whole relationship with the kids is solely dependent on the relationship with the parent.

You can't love a child as if they are your own if you know the minute there's a fall out, or you get cheated on or whatever you'll never see the kids again.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2023 16:47

The irony is that SM's are expected to live and treat their own children like their own , but when they do it apparently freaks out the children's mum.

You’re so right. I can only imagine the mum’s and some MNetter’s reactions if the OP was invited and then said she didn’t want to go. There would be cries about her not caring about her dscs.

Freefall212 · 03/06/2023 16:49

If the kids really want you there, go. Stay away from her.

Your comment about hating your DH leaving you to do things with his kids is odd. You need to be okay being on your own and it is fine for him to do things with his kids without you.

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 17:15

Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 12:56

It's very hard to write everything in a comment. The boys have previously asked to speak to me on facetime. I would always leave the room. To my own thing. Until they started asking to speak to me. It was only then I said hello. She came on and said do not speak to her. Facetime is for dad only.

If their child sits still in one spot then yeah she's being unreasonable but we had issues with the dsc wandering round with their ipad showing their mum our house and yeah I wasn't happy with that so could easily be a privacy thing?