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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do I go to sports day

158 replies

Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 07:45

I have been in my partners children's life for nearly 2 years.

Their mother doesn't like me full stop. If there father is on facetime, she will hold the phone and I am not allowed to speak. She recently went to school to stop the boys being added to the pictures on Facebook as I liked one.

Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life. I attend foodball games already.

My concern is their mum. How to handle this. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HerMammy · 03/06/2023 08:22

I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.
I was all for saying go until I read this, you're dad gf but seem to have cast yourself as important as a parent. Why do you need to be in facetime ? you sound petty and jealous of his time with his kids.

crackfoxy · 03/06/2023 08:27

Some of these comments! You can't win!

I think it's lovely you want to attend. If the mum has an issue with it then that's on her, not you.

Go with your partner, keep a low profile but support his children, they will remember you being a part of their lives when they are adults.

My SD is 33 and I've always attended her school / guides / drama stuff and her mum wasn't keen on it, it's about control not what's best for the kids, she's mellowed now but me and SD have a lovely relationship and she always says to me you were always supportive.

Do it, but for the right reasons, not to get back at SD mum but because you want to be there.

Fatat40 · 03/06/2023 08:27

MiddleParking · 03/06/2023 08:05

I wouldn’t have thought ‘nearly’ (aka not) two years is attending sports day territory tbh. I’m not a MN step parent hater but I think hating your relatively new boyfriend “leaving you” to go to events related to his children isn’t a great sign.

This. You need to take a step back from "his" life and concentrate on building up your own.

SD1978 · 03/06/2023 08:31

I'd say no. You going will automatically cause tension- the boys will be aware of this and it's their sports day that you'll be ruining. I don't know what your husbands schedule is like with his kids regarding time spent, and I can understand that you want to support them because you feel involved, and you are- but spoiling their day- which will happen, because their mum doesn't accept you would be something I couldn't do.

SD1978 · 03/06/2023 08:33

And as a biological parent........most of us are attending because we have to........there's not a lot of enjoyment in it......😆😆

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 03/06/2023 08:48

My partner would like me to go. I want to support them

Do the children want you to go?

aSofaNearYou · 03/06/2023 08:52

Personally unless the kids have asked you to I wouldn't bother.

I don't think sports day is an important enough an event to merit more than just parents (more likely actually just one parent) going, so it seems like creating a big fuss for the sake of it. I've never seen grandparents go, for instance, and I'm pretty sure my own dad never went, just my mum who worked at the school. It's not something where the whole family needs to gather around.

There's not a lot to go on here so I won't say this is definitely the case but my senses are tingling that your DP is inclined to be a bit intense about your role in their life and how you support them, so I'd keep an eye on that.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/06/2023 09:03

Unless the kids have specifically asked you to go then I wouldn’t go. It sounds like it would just cause hassle and upset and the people most likely to be impacted by this are the kids.

Also - sports day is really quite shit.

If you have a sporty child (and both of mine are very sporty) then they will do well which is nice. But if you have a sporty child then you will generally be taking them to sporting events at the weekend that are far more meaningful.

If you have a non sporty child then they will either be doing some kind of “team game” to make the event ok for non sporty children or be watching them come towards the back of their race.

Either way you will be sat on a picnic blanket in the hot sun (or rain or cold wind) for hours on end whilst your little cherub races for a grand total of 17 seconds.

gogohmm · 03/06/2023 09:08

I do tend to go to dsd's things because her mum really isn't bothered, she's older. Dsd I know is appreciative that I make the effort eg her graduation

philautia · 03/06/2023 09:11

@Partnerhasboys I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

Why can't he do this without you? Why do you need to be there with him? You are not a parent, you don't need to go. Your need to not be left by your partner (bizarre) don't override the mother's need to attend her children's school events.

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2023 09:30

It depends what the children want. It should be driven by that. My parents divorced/ remarried and it was never about what we wanted, it was just keeping them all happy and reducing drama.

NerrSnerr · 03/06/2023 09:31

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/06/2023 09:03

Unless the kids have specifically asked you to go then I wouldn’t go. It sounds like it would just cause hassle and upset and the people most likely to be impacted by this are the kids.

Also - sports day is really quite shit.

If you have a non sporty child then they will either be doing some kind of “team game” to make the event ok for non sporty children or be watching them come towards the back of their race.

Either way you will be sat on a picnic blanket in the hot sun (or rain or cold wind) for hours on end whilst your little cherub races for a grand total of 17 seconds.

Not all sports days are the same. My children's primary school day is just a few games/ races/ activities.

Laurdo · 03/06/2023 09:39

SunnyFrost · 03/06/2023 08:02

Oh and you liking a picture from the kids school on Facebook makes me think you must have followed their school’s page…..?! Sorry if I’m barking up the wrong tree but if you did that then it’s psycho territory - as a mum, if my exes new gf started doing stuff like that I would be appalled, freaked out, and do exactly what she did and try and cut off your access to stuff that PARENTS should be seeing.

That's a bit far fetched. I follow my DSDs nursery twitter page. I like to see what the kids have been up to and show my DH any photos with DSD in them. Every time I pick her up from nursery and ask her what she did that day I get "dunno, can't remember". So it's great to see updates from the nursery so we can also extend any topic discussion into the home. Her mum doesn't communicate much with my DH, won't pass on information about events etc so sometimes we miss things that are going on because she's gotten the newsletter and we haven't.

I miss out on a lot of things due to limited tickets and of course mum and dad take priority, but DSD doesn't understand that and still asks why I wasn't there. Thankfully there are 3 adults allowed to the nursery graduations and you better believe I'll be there whether her mum likes it or not.

To the OP, if the kids want you there then go. They should be the main focus so take their lead and don't just go because you want to.

BungleandGeorge · 03/06/2023 09:48

What do the children think?
phone calls and contact time are primarily time to spend with their parent. I don’t think you should always be there and it’s not great that you ‘hate’ being left alone. It sounds like you are trying to be involved in absolutely everything, why is that? The kids need time with just dad. Will you keep up this intensity of relationship? What about if you have your own kids or split up?

Littlefish · 03/06/2023 09:56

No, don't go.

The child/ren have 2 parents. You are not one of them.

It's not about you and what you want.

I've been to many, many sports days (both as a parent and teacher). I've had to referee between warring parents on several occasions. It's awful for the children.

Softoprider · 03/06/2023 09:59

If the children have a mum and a dad who are attending sports day then why on earth would you want to go knowing it will create tension?
Do something on your own. You are not thinking clearly here

Mariposista · 03/06/2023 10:15

Unless there is a massive backstory and you are actually the devil incarnate I would not be pandering to this woman and her tantrums. She is nobody to tell you what to do. It’s lovely that you want to be an involved step mum.

dammit88 · 03/06/2023 10:20

I think you should go and its lovely that you want to. You are a blended family. its nice for the children to see that you care. She needs to be an adult about it.

Wishitsnows · 03/06/2023 10:27

Why do you even want to go. Why would you want to create tension for the children just so you can be involved in their school life. They have two parents so not sure why your involvement with school things would be needed. Do you have hobbies to keep yourself occupied? It may help if you do so you don’t hate it so much when your partner is doing stuff with his kids

Yousee · 03/06/2023 10:42

I have been with DH for 9 years.
2 years in I hadn't even met his DD. I've still never been to any school events. I would go if DSD wanted me to. In fact my first ever requested presence is in a few weeks time. Her mum is fine with this but 2 years in I would absolutely not be shoehorning myself into parental territory.
It's not about you or your relationship, it's about the kids. If they have asked for you to go then your DP should speak to his ex about it and let her know. If it's just about your feelings and DPs feelings then back off is my advice. No good can come of forcing the issue.

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 10:58

And actually yeah I do think it's odd of you to be seeing the kids school photos at not even 2 years in. You shouldn't be involving yourself in their school life - not this early on. They have 2 parents relax and let them parent. You can do all the fun stuff!

SemperIdem · 03/06/2023 11:23

Honestly, don’t go!

I wouldn’t expect my partner to attend my child’s school events with me, nor would I attend his children’s. The potential for aggro from his ex is high and I quite frankly don’t feel my presence is necessary or appropriate.

I don’t get the FaceTime thing either, unless the children specifically want to speak to you on a particular call (which could easily happens “where’s x, can I say hi?”), then it’s just contact with their dad.

I’ve had to be quite firm with my partner around boundaries - we’re a blended family not a nuclear one and trying to pretend otherwise is like trying to force a square peg into a round shaped hole.

TeaKitten · 03/06/2023 11:28

Are the kids desperate for you to attend? If not I wouldn’t go. Nice for the kids to have both their parents at sports day, it won’t be something they get often. You aren’t required there, especially if there’s even a tiny chance the kids could notice any awkwardness. It’s nice that you want to be a part of their lives, but you are not their parent and the day isn’t about you. Hopefully you get lots of other times to enjoy with them.

excelledyourself · 03/06/2023 12:27

dammit88 · 03/06/2023 10:20

I think you should go and its lovely that you want to. You are a blended family. its nice for the children to see that you care. She needs to be an adult about it.

You have no idea if they are a 'blended family'. OP hasn't even said if she lives with her DP, or how often she sees the kids.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/06/2023 12:29

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 03/06/2023 08:03

If the mum will also be there then I don't think you should go.

I do think it's a bit weird that you follow the school and liked a picture on FB to be honest.

It sounds like you're pretty involved when your partner has them, there's absolutely no need for you to also be involved in their school life too.

They already have two parents who love and support them, they don't need another adult there who's presence will do nothing but antagonise their mum.

The irony is that SM's are expected to live and treat their own children like their own , but when they do it apparently freaks out the children's mum.

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