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Original poster

Do I go to sports day

158 replies

Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 07:45

I have been in my partners children's life for nearly 2 years.

Their mother doesn't like me full stop. If there father is on facetime, she will hold the phone and I am not allowed to speak. She recently went to school to stop the boys being added to the pictures on Facebook as I liked one.

Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life. I attend foodball games already.

My concern is their mum. How to handle this. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

OP posts:
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quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 21:00

quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 21:00

Well it's not like she would be interring with 'quality time'. Sounds like the children would rather Teo adults cheering them on than just the one. Your awfully focussed on Op feeling left out which she is entitled to by the way rather than the fact that she has clearly stated the kids want her there (due to wanting her at football) , the father wants her there and she wants to be there so really there's no argument

@Kanaloa

Kanaloa · 05/06/2023 21:07

quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 21:00

Well it's not like she would be interring with 'quality time'. Sounds like the children would rather Teo adults cheering them on than just the one. Your awfully focussed on Op feeling left out which she is entitled to by the way rather than the fact that she has clearly stated the kids want her there (due to wanting her at football) , the father wants her there and she wants to be there so really there's no argument

She would be interfering if it makes the kids uncomfortable.

And of course she’s entitled to say she hates her partner leaving her alone and feels left out if he does anything with his children without including his partner. Anyone else is also entitled to say that’s unhealthy and point out that a parent should and generally will prioritize their children at times.

quietnightmare · 06/06/2023 09:05

Your missing the point the OP blatantly said she wants to go providing the kids wants her there.

It's not childish for her to feel left out, families don't pick and choose to exclude someone due to an ex's opinion that's just controlling behaviour from the ex. It's ridiculous for OP to be 'allowed' to football matches but not sports day.

quietnightmare · 06/06/2023 09:07

quietnightmare · 06/06/2023 09:05

Your missing the point the OP blatantly said she wants to go providing the kids wants her there.

It's not childish for her to feel left out, families don't pick and choose to exclude someone due to an ex's opinion that's just controlling behaviour from the ex. It's ridiculous for OP to be 'allowed' to football matches but not sports day.

@Kanaloa

cato40 · 08/06/2023 10:05

You are not their mum, do them a favour and don't go. As a partner of one of their parents you are not a parent and it makes sense not to try and be one or compete with the other parents. You are not helping

cato40 · 08/06/2023 10:07

Also the kids will say anything to make adults happy, I wouldn't go by what they say

CornishGem1975 · 08/06/2023 10:20

cato40 · 08/06/2023 10:07

Also the kids will say anything to make adults happy, I wouldn't go by what they say

That's true. Kids often have to pacify both parents. My SC consistently say the opposite of what they're feeling so they don't inadvertently upset their mother because she's a sensitive little flower.

Maybe everyone could just pull up their big kid pants and get on with it, and realise that having more adults who love and support children can only ever be a good thing. It's not a competition. Most step-mums don't see it as a competition. That only ever comes from their mum.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 08/06/2023 11:49

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MintJulia · 08/06/2023 12:44

'Why do immature and insecure people focus their hatred onto the new partner?'

A lot of the posts have, quite rightly, suggested asking what the dcs in question would prefer.

And also whether knowingly antagonising a mum is really wise, or necessary.

No hatred that I can see, just lots of common sense and experience of how to live in harmony as a step parent.

CornishGem1975 · 08/06/2023 13:04

No hatred that I can see, just lots of common sense and experience of how to live in harmony as a step parent.

Why can't the mums try and live in harmony too? And accept that their child has someone else in their lives?

I am both step-parent and "bio-mum" to somebody else's step-parenting before anyone jumps on me.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 08/06/2023 14:58

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This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was posted by a previously bas

candlesflamesandbrooms · 08/06/2023 15:03

MintJulia · 08/06/2023 12:44

'Why do immature and insecure people focus their hatred onto the new partner?'

A lot of the posts have, quite rightly, suggested asking what the dcs in question would prefer.

And also whether knowingly antagonising a mum is really wise, or necessary.

No hatred that I can see, just lots of common sense and experience of how to live in harmony as a step parent.

I think there's a subtle mum will always act in the children's best interests and would never be influenced by her own emotions.

There's also a fair amount of "stay in your lane" which is fine but when a sm says she can't look after the DSc as she's working etc those same people all her evil ect.

It can't be tow the line and be a free nanny service.

Greensleeves · 08/06/2023 15:04

If both of their parents are going, then I don't think you should. Even if the boys love you and want you there, they presumably don't want tension and unpleasantness to spoil the day, and it's in neither their control nor yours whether that happens or not; they're not daft, they will know their mother is upset.

I have huge sympathy for you, it must be a horrible position to be stuck in, and it's a pity their mother can't be the bigger person and accept that you're in their lives and no threat to her. But if she can't/won't, and you insist on going anyway, it will be the boys who suffer.

Daisydu · 08/06/2023 15:08

Yes go.

CremeEgg1983 · 08/06/2023 15:13

@Greensleeves Not going even if the boys want her to would be putting the mums feelings before the children.

Perhaps it's time for the mum to be adult about the situation and put the children before herself.

Greensleeves · 08/06/2023 15:48

CremeEgg1983 · 08/06/2023 15:13

@Greensleeves Not going even if the boys want her to would be putting the mums feelings before the children.

Perhaps it's time for the mum to be adult about the situation and put the children before herself.

That's a valid opinion, but I don't share it. Yes, it would be great if their mother could make her peace with OP being there - but she hasn't, has she? The likely outcome of both women attending will be an unpleasant atmosphere, and the boys having to go through sports day fully aware that their mother is upset. Forcing that situation isn't putting them first, imo.

Vaveen088 · 15/06/2023 21:13

I am going overseas to visit family. My husband suggested to bring 14 year old step daughter with me, Well overseas and my husband to stay behind as he has work. I told my husband I rather have you present with me as it's over seas it's not like whole another country lol

When I visit my country I am planning on leaving my two sons with my mom for a week so that I can travel you know spend some alone time with my sister

So my mom agreed to watch the 2 sons However my mother is funny about step child coming overseas and watching her she feels the same way as me that my husband needs to be present she don't mind her coming over to visit but if me or my husband is not there she just funny with it and the fact the bio mom has no clue that wep planning on leaving her with my mom and strangers in another country.

I think my mom is nervous that she don't want to get cought up in any mess knowing bio mom will be upset finding out her child is overseas being watched by not just my mom but other family members she does not even know ... Should we just keep her local and find someone to watch her untill I return or take her with us and have her stay with my family I get where my mother is coming from as my husband is not even present and if anything happens me and my mom are held accountable. All I know is as a bio mom I would not be comfortable sending my child to another country if the farther or mother is not around like that ... But yeah

SD1978 · 15/06/2023 23:42

@Partnerhasboys - did you attend?

MeridianB · 16/06/2023 08:20

Hi @Vaveen088 You might find it easier to start a fresh thread for your discussion. You can click the blue 'start a new thread' button at the top of this thread and then copy and paste your text in as the starting post.

aSofaNearYou · 16/06/2023 09:45

@Vaveen088 I wouldn't even consider taking her if your DH isn't going. Just take your Dc and spend some time with your family.

uneffingbelievable · 16/06/2023 12:20

Cornishgem - SM and bio here, DCS have a fab SM now but they didn't.

If I knew turning up to SDC event would upset or make their DM uncomfortable I would not go. Not my place to make anyone uncomfortable.

If SM1 had turned up at any event of my DCs - I would have behaved profesionally in public but there would have been hell after the event that the malignant abusive cow, whom my DCS hated with justifiable reason had upset them - not me -them.

Think the circumstances of the appearance of bonus parents is highly relevant here

Far too often the DM has to go with their EXs wishes to maintain harmony. Unnecessary attendance if she already knwos DM would not be happy

namechangenacy · 16/06/2023 12:26

@uneffingbelievable thing is ops situation her DSc want her to come.

I suppose it's about balancing what mum emotions vs what children would want.

Hopefully both sm and mum could put the kids first.

I personally wouldn't as I avoid sports day for my own kids as it's a nightmare. But different stroke's different folks.

NewNameNigel · 16/06/2023 14:23

I suppose it's about balancing what mum emotions vs what children would want.

I think you've summed up the mumsnet attitude to step mums here 😂

I don't think step mums are under any more obligation to to take mums feelings into account than mums are to take step mums into account.

namechangenacy · 16/06/2023 14:48

@NewNameNigel I agree but often things that are "what's best for the children" is often code for "what mum wants".

And if the children have said I want x (which isn't what mum wants exactly (people suddenly lose the ability to read)

NewNameNigel · 16/06/2023 17:07

namechangenacy · 16/06/2023 14:48

@NewNameNigel I agree but often things that are "what's best for the children" is often code for "what mum wants".

And if the children have said I want x (which isn't what mum wants exactly (people suddenly lose the ability to read)

I agree with you!

There's a weird thing on mumsnet where step mums are meant to put the kids first unless that upsets mum, then it's mum first.
They should do this but have no right to have their feelings considered by the mum or step children.
If a step mum is upset she's often accused of being either immature or needy because once you become a step mum you lose the right to have emotions.

It's very odd.