Do I go to sports day

[Partnerhasboys]

I have been in my partners children's life for nearly 2 years.

Their mother doesn't like me full stop. If there father is on facetime, she will hold the phone and I am not allowed to speak. She recently went to school to stop the boys being added to the pictures on Facebook as I liked one.

Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life. I attend foodball games already.

My concern is their mum. How to handle this. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

I am a step mum and think that would be fair enough. I see the step in step mum as a "step back a bit" mum. I don't treat them as "my own" children they are my own stepchildren though. Oh the lines we tread.

Yes what are the feelings behind this op?

Sorry I’m being a bit dumb here. But I can’t work out what you’re trying to say here. 🤦🏼‍♀️Are you saying it would be fair enough if the mum kicked off with the stepmum for not going to an event? Sorry if I’ve got that wrong.

Ah no I'm saying it's fair enough if stepmum doesn't want to go not that she "didn't care"

I'm just declaring my stepmumness as people get funny about it coz we're the devil's work...

Step mum here.

You know it will upset her? Why do it? Why put your parents children through the risk of picking up on negative vibes or upset for their mum. Also, why make it awkward for everyone including yourself?

Make your excuses and catch up with them after.

Don't make it about you.

If in any way it will cause tensions please don’t go. It’s embarrassing for the children.

It’s lovely that you want to be involved and care about the children, but you have to remember that they are not your children.

At 2yrs in, I didn’t go to those kind of events. Though tbf, my partners 3 kids have never really had any hobbies or done any sports. SD once dabbled in dance lessons for a few months and had a performance. My DP asked me to come and I asked if SD had for me to be there personally, he said no. So I didn’t go. I didn’t particularly want to go regardless as it’s not my children’s event to go to in the first place.

Years later and DP and I are getting married shortly. I still view things in the same way. Lots of events, especially school related, are parents only. It wasn’t a case of BM being high conflict, (though she is now) I saw it as more of a respect thing and not overstepping into Mum and Dad territory. I put myself in her shoes and how I would feel it me and DP split up and he brought his gf to all these events for my children.

I think the school is the children's mum's place and she shouldn't have to think about you being there. They are her children.

You absolutely know she doesn't want you there so you are putting the children in a difficult position. In their own school.

The school is not the children's mums place at all. She doesn't get to dictate who attends sports day. The mum should be adult about it and accept that there are other people in the children's lives beside her. It's her duty to also not cause an atmosphere for the kids.

Or op could be an adult and accept that her partner will sometimes have other things to do. It is healthy for a parent to spend dedicated time with his kids and for an adult to have normal hobbies and activities. It is not normal to feel that you ‘hate it’ or can’t cope when your partner ‘leaves you’ to do other things.

The school is not the children's mums place at all. She doesn't get to dictate who attends sports day. The mum should be adult about it and accept that there are other people in the children's lives beside her. It's her duty to also not cause an atmosphere for the kids

I disagree with this. They aren't the OPs children. The children's school is not a place she needs to be. It's not about 'dictating' things. Just because it's not illegal doesn't make it the right thing to do.

The OP can be 'in the children's lives' without being in their school.

@LadyJanes They aren't her children but upon that basis, that would preclude grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings etc from attending also.

The mum can stand on the opposite side of the field to the dad and OP. There is no need for them to even talk. If the school are fine with it then the mum has no authority to say she can't go, or any other family members.

The mum is clearly quite hostile, but honestly sports day is shit and tedious. My DC barely even notice I'm there amongst the crowds of kids and parents. It's going to be really awkward for all 3 of you adults, the tension will be obvious to the other school parents who will whisper about you (and whisper with the mum) and then you'll all feel embarrassed and annoyed.

That's not the same and if you can't see why it's not the same then I can't help you understand. The mother has made it clear she doesn't want the OP involved with the school.

@LadyJanes Again, that's not the mothers decision. She doesn't get to say who can be involved with the school on dads side. That is the schools remit, not the mums.

I think its fair enough for either side to have a veto on this one if they think it's in their child's interest.

I agree. She doesn’t “own” school anymore than the father does. I’m a stepmum and I’ve been to school events, so has my DSDs stepdad. Along with my husband and my DSDs Mum. We find having four of us to do school things is actually helpful but we all four work full time so it minimises how often Mum and Dad need to take days/hours off if we can all split it up a bit. But then we all get along really well.

In this case, I’d let your step kids lead the way, as a fight at school between their mum and their stepmum has potential to be really embarrassing!

Agreed. And as a teacher I can confirm that if the Mum tried to tell the school that the SM couldn’t attend sports day at my school, she’d be told very politely that that isn’t a school issue. (Unless there’s a restraining order or some other legal reason such as the SM bring on the sex offenders register etc). Schools are trying to educate, it’s not our remit to referee between “adults” who can’t co parent.

@adviceneeded1990 Completely agree with you. If there is a court order in place preventing a step parent from attending then that is completely different.

My step sons school even has a 'Separated parents policy' explaining how they don't wish to become involved and get in the middle of conflict. It's understandable as they are there to teach and not to referee.

If you want to go then you go.

She can not dictate

You are being there for your step children

The mother needs to suck it up

Is she? Or is she being there because her partner wants to make a big show of her?

That’s a great idea! We have so many parents in my school that don’t realise how much their petty squabbles add to teacher/staff workload! Two parents evenings because they can’t sit at a table together for five minutes. Two sets of letters printed/emails sent. Two report cards. Two phone calls/messages in the event of injury because the one we reach first can’t simply call or text the other! It’s laughable. Might suggest a policy! 😆

Fuck that, I never wanted to go to my own children's sports day 🥱
I certainly wouldn't be going to anyone else's

Come off it. How many mums do you think genuinely want this drama in their life? Many will have had horrible abusive marriages that simply couldn't be proven so there is no court protection and the last thing they should have to do is face their ex to make teachers' lives easier.