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Original poster

Do I go to sports day

158 replies

Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 07:45

I have been in my partners children's life for nearly 2 years.

Their mother doesn't like me full stop. If there father is on facetime, she will hold the phone and I am not allowed to speak. She recently went to school to stop the boys being added to the pictures on Facebook as I liked one.

Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life. I attend foodball games already.

My concern is their mum. How to handle this. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

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adviceneeded1990 · 04/06/2023 19:36

Isthisexpected · 04/06/2023 19:20

Come off it. How many mums do you think genuinely want this drama in their life? Many will have had horrible abusive marriages that simply couldn't be proven so there is no court protection and the last thing they should have to do is face their ex to make teachers' lives easier.

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My school of 300 has exactly one family with a domestic violence related court order. And upwards of 30 squabbling infants with children themselves. The school knows when it’s DV or restraining order related (presuming that it’s been through court) and of course are happy to facilitate that. Some people do love drama. The ones at the gate screaming about their ex being a cunt at 9am in front of multiple children certainly do. Met quite a few of them.

Co parenting successfully isn’t designed to make teachers lives easier, it’s to make the children’s lives easier. Also, why does your post assume only a Mum wouldn’t want to face her ex? I’ve taught kids with lovely involved, sometimes single, fathers and abusive mothers for whom courts have stopped contact. As well as same sex parent families.

CremeEgg1983 · 04/06/2023 19:43

@Isthisexpected You would be surprised. I know women who enjoy exerting control over their ex in relation to their children, and who are the abusive ones themselves.

Doyoumind · 04/06/2023 19:56

adviceneeded1990 · 04/06/2023 18:59

That’s a great idea! We have so many parents in my school that don’t realise how much their petty squabbles add to teacher/staff workload! Two parents evenings because they can’t sit at a table together for five minutes. Two sets of letters printed/emails sent. Two report cards. Two phone calls/messages in the event of injury because the one we reach first can’t simply call or text the other! It’s laughable. Might suggest a policy! 😆

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I was an abusive relationship with my ex. School won't be aware of that. I'm glad they've allowed me to attend parents evening separately without questioning it.

OP it's about the children. Don't put them in a difficult position. I've been that child with a SM wanting to attend events where she didn't need to and it was miserable. If you know their DM won't be happy, just stay away. It's not worth it.

Kanaloa · 04/06/2023 20:02

quietnightmare · 04/06/2023 18:56

If you want to go then you go.

She can not dictate

You are being there for your step children

The mother needs to suck it up

She isn’t being there for her stepchildren. She’s not that interested in being there for her stepchildren in the egg and spoon race - she ‘sort of hates it’ when her partner leaves her alone to take care of his responsibilities or do other things. That’s what this is about.

Laurdo · 04/06/2023 20:16

CremeEgg1983 · 04/06/2023 19:43

@Isthisexpected You would be surprised. I know women who enjoy exerting control over their ex in relation to their children, and who are the abusive ones themselves.

Yup. My DH was the one being abused and his ex still tries to create drama at every opportunity. She absolutely hates that she's no longer able to control him.

adviceneeded1990 · 04/06/2023 20:30

Doyoumind · 04/06/2023 19:56

I was an abusive relationship with my ex. School won't be aware of that. I'm glad they've allowed me to attend parents evening separately without questioning it.

OP it's about the children. Don't put them in a difficult position. I've been that child with a SM wanting to attend events where she didn't need to and it was miserable. If you know their DM won't be happy, just stay away. It's not worth it.

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I’m sorry you went through that and I’m glad the school could see you were genuinely in need of separate appointments.

However, my point was in reply to a PP saying no one wants that drama. I’m sure you weren’t kicking up merry hell at the gate, calling your ex a cunt in front of young kids, terrifying other people’s children, using abusive language towards staff and/or pulling other parents out of cars by their hair - just some of the many behaviours I’ve seen from “women who don’t want drama” over the years!

Starseeking · 04/06/2023 20:36

It's not fun being left on your own while your DH goes off to enjoy family days out with his DC, however that is the reality of being a step-parent.

Personally, I would stay away from sports day; it's unnecessary to provoke the DM when you know she does not want you around.

quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 08:54

@Kanaloa
Urmmm no she wants to be there for her step children and her partner and be part of the wider things they do as a family

“Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life.”

Op also states

"If the boys want me there, I'll go. If not, I won't. They often hope am not working to attend their football"

So it’s pretty clear she wants to support her step children

Bbqshowdownusa · 05/06/2023 11:49

Just go. Fuck her and what she thinks!

Bbqshowdownusa · 05/06/2023 11:51

Starseeking · 04/06/2023 20:36

It's not fun being left on your own while your DH goes off to enjoy family days out with his DC, however that is the reality of being a step-parent.

Personally, I would stay away from sports day; it's unnecessary to provoke the DM when you know she does not want you around.

It doesn’t have to be the reality though.

My husband would never leave me out just so his ex is happy.

Kanaloa · 05/06/2023 12:33

quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 08:54

@Kanaloa
Urmmm no she wants to be there for her step children and her partner and be part of the wider things they do as a family

“Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life.”

Op also states

"If the boys want me there, I'll go. If not, I won't. They often hope am not working to attend their football"

So it’s pretty clear she wants to support her step children

It’s also pretty clear that she hates whenever her partner leaves her. Because she says that. That’s not a normal relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 12:38

I think people are making too much of the not liking it when he leaves her to do stuff with kids/ex thing. I don't think that's an uncommon feeling, especially in the early days of the relationship as you come to terms with the reality of the situation. Yes it would be healthier to learn to overcome that, but I don't think it's as odd as people are making out.

Starseeking · 05/06/2023 12:39

All I meant was that sports day isn't the hill I would die on, having experienced a DP who facilitated this kind of thing in the past @Bbqshowdownusa.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 05/06/2023 12:42

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Kanaloa · 05/06/2023 12:43

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 12:38

I think people are making too much of the not liking it when he leaves her to do stuff with kids/ex thing. I don't think that's an uncommon feeling, especially in the early days of the relationship as you come to terms with the reality of the situation. Yes it would be healthier to learn to overcome that, but I don't think it's as odd as people are making out.

I think in this context it isn’t healthy or normal. Saying you want to go to your partner’s kids’ school events because you ‘sort of hate whenever he leaves you’ isn’t normal. You should be capable of allowing your partner to do things with his children without you there. It is normal and in fact desirable for a parent to want to spend dedicated time with his children even if his partner hates not being with him at all times.

quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 12:47

@Kanaloa
She is entitled to feel that way though. Why should see be excluded when the children want her there. She's expected to go to football matches but sports day is a no go. It's ridiculous and childish for her to be dictated to by the ex

CornishGem1975 · 05/06/2023 12:47

I have a similar situation, for the first few years I took a step back but I am married to their father, we have a shared DC, so now we go to school events and if she doesn't like it, well it's kind of tough shit. She can choose not to go if that's traumatic for her.

I just don't get why adults have to be total pricks about stuff like this - what's lovelier than having lots of adults support and be there for the children.

(and yes, I am on the other side of the fence with this too as my own DC have a stepmother...)

aSofaNearYou · 05/06/2023 12:50

I think in this context it isn’t healthy or normal. Saying you want to go to your partner’s kids’ school events because you ‘sort of hate whenever he leaves you’ isn’t normal. You should be capable of allowing your partner to do things with his children without you there. It is normal and in fact desirable for a parent to want to spend dedicated time with his children even if his partner hates not being with him at all times.

I agree that she shouldn't act on those feelings, I'm just saying that people are acting like it's really bizarre and unusual that she has them, and I don't think it is.

I also don't think that hating not being with him all the time is the same thing as specific being uncomfortable when he goes to events with his ex/kids.

Kanaloa · 05/06/2023 12:52

quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 12:47

@Kanaloa
She is entitled to feel that way though. Why should see be excluded when the children want her there. She's expected to go to football matches but sports day is a no go. It's ridiculous and childish for her to be dictated to by the ex

Well I think it’s ridiculous and childish to hate it whenever your partner (who is a father) leaves you alone for a short length of time. It’s an unhealthy attitude to have. He should be spending quality time with his kids anyway, not being attached to his partner 24/7 because she hates being separated.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 05/06/2023 13:03

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Kanaloa · 05/06/2023 13:07

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It’s not exclusion for a father to spend time with his kids without you. It is normal.

Laurdo · 05/06/2023 13:08

CornishGem1975 · 05/06/2023 12:47

I have a similar situation, for the first few years I took a step back but I am married to their father, we have a shared DC, so now we go to school events and if she doesn't like it, well it's kind of tough shit. She can choose not to go if that's traumatic for her.

I just don't get why adults have to be total pricks about stuff like this - what's lovelier than having lots of adults support and be there for the children.

(and yes, I am on the other side of the fence with this too as my own DC have a stepmother...)

It's so sad. I've always thought the more adults loving a child the better.

My DSD nursery graduation is coming up and usually they only allow 1 or 2 adults per child for things but for graduation they're allowing 3. I'm married to DSDs dad and have been in her life since she was 2, I do the school run because I WFH so that works best for us, I do the make at home activities, Easter bonnet etc. So I was delighted that I'd be able to go especially since I felt guilty when she asked me why I wasn't at her Xmas show.

DSDs mum has informed my DH that she will be bringing my DSS who's 16 to the graduation in an attempt to push me out of going. Pretty pathetic. I doubt my DSS even knows about it let alone wants to go. I'll still be going.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 05/06/2023 13:09

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NewNameNigel · 05/06/2023 13:11

I have never attended the DSCs sports days but if they had asked me to or if my partner had wanted me to I would have done. It would not have occurred to me to check with their mum if I was "allowed".

quietnightmare · 05/06/2023 21:00

Well it's not like she would be interring with 'quality time'. Sounds like the children would rather Teo adults cheering them on than just the one. Your awfully focussed on Op feeling left out which she is entitled to by the way rather than the fact that she has clearly stated the kids want her there (due to wanting her at football) , the father wants her there and she wants to be there so really there's no argument