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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When to tell step kids about new baby

202 replies

Tishtun · 21/05/2023 21:44

Hey!

I am currently 2 months pregnant very early but I'm so excited it will be my first!

I have a husband who has two kids ages 7 and 9. We have been together 4 years and the relationship with ex broke down before he met me.
We live over 350 miles from the kids so we see them physically once a month and school holidays. In between is face time and calls.
I am an older mum and so I would like to wait to tell the kids but seeking advice on when is best.

Is past the 20 week mark too late? We have decided to not directly tell the ex as she would hear it from the kids anyway and she's not in our close circle to notify.

Great to hear from those that have had the convo and when they did it.

OP posts:
CordylineHair · 21/05/2023 21:59

I would say You choose. 20 weeks is fine. Kids take their cue from the adults in their lives.

We did the, advised at the time, telling the child's mother first. She wept and wailed (they had been separated 10 years at that stage, the child's mother had had other relationships and children since.

She wound up the child too telling her she'd no longer be Daddy's No1, so dh spent hours on the phone assuring mother and child that he was sooo sorry 🤨 (we were also married 5 years by then). I did take her to my second scan, just the two of us, so that was nice, I don't know if it helped. She was just gone 11 when our first was born. And always seemed very sweet to me. I think she was manipulated a lot by both parents and Grandma.

For all that, DSD was and is a lovely big sister from day 1. Despite the fact that she has no relationship with her father she stays in touch with her siblings thru SM.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/05/2023 04:15

Ffs, why didn’t your DH prioritise seeing his existing children more than once a month before having another one 🙄 he sounds an absolute catch!

This is probably going to be very hard for his kids to be honest, so you absolutely need to tell their mum so she can support them while they process any difficult feelings and it’s best all round if you do that sooner rather than later.

WaitingfortheTardis · 22/05/2023 04:22

Gosh, living so far away and seeing the children so little is going to make thisvreally hard on them. I think the two of you should tell them asap really and maybe try and make plans to see them more regularly in the run up to reassure them they are still important to dad.

SargentSagittarius · 22/05/2023 04:40

Agree with pp, you are very excited about this, but I don’t think they are going to be. They could end up feeling very replaced.

Is there any particular reason that you live so far away from them, and therefore see so little of them?

I would definitely be making a point of telling their Mum, rather than leaving her to find out from them. She is going to need to support them through this, and it will be her dealing with any upset they might have over it.

AWhaleSwamBy · 22/05/2023 05:09

I think this 'could' be devastating for them as your DH sees them so little. Did his ex move away or did he?

I'd tell them in person later on in the pregnancy. I'd tell his ex at the same time. Will it effect maintainence? That might make the ex more difficult.
After that it really boils down to your husbands behaviour. He needs to prioritise his older kids for now to help maintain his relationship. Actions speak louder than words.
There is no reason it should t work out well though.

Emilia35 · 22/05/2023 05:26

Personally I think this is very selfish of your partner towards his current DC, and will probably devastate them.

My parents divorced when I was 8 and I remember my biggest fear was that they'd have new kids with their new partners who'd be loved more as 1. They spent more time with them and 2. They didn't come from a person they didn't like anymore. You've chosen to have kids with someone and unless you're in a very very good, special place in your relationship with all involved (ex and kids) then it's simply selfish to put existing kids through the turmoil and insecurity of new half -siblings. They should be prioritised but sadly a lot of parents care more about themselves and their partners than the kids they chose to bring into the world.

It's shocking your partner only sees his kids once a month and isn't completely devastated by that. I'd be discussing moving closer to enable a relationship and for everyone to feel closer before your baby is born. Tell their mum soon so she can support them through this.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/05/2023 05:37

DH's Dad lived in Canada while he was growing up ! Still managed to have a relationship with him so I don't think the once a month thing is necessarily a problem.

Of course you need to tell the children's mother, you can't possibly put that onto a 7 &9 year old. As they become teenagers you can expect they will be increasingly less thrilled about spending weekends 350 miles away from home with a toddler. Maybe give that a bit of thought ahead of time ? Also arrangements for " their " first weekend after you've had the baby your DH will be able to help you quite a lot less when his DC are around.

MapoTofuLettuce · 22/05/2023 06:06

Please, please tell their mother first so that she can support them. It's nothing to do with whether she's in your close circle- the news may well be devastating for the children and she needs to know so that she can be there. Just springing it on the kids without their mother being aware would be unforgivable.

It sounds as if you need to adjust your expectations a bit. Your pregnancy is happy news for you but it's not likely to be happy news for them.

I think it would be fine to wait until your 20 week scan. Hope it all goes well.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 06:13

I'd tell them after the 20 week scan or before the if you're finding it hard to hide it. Don't make it a big happy reveal. Sit them down together - tell them. Then you can say something like it's ok if you're not sure how you feel about it yet. That gives them permission to feel weird about it. Then it's probably a good idea if you go out or DH takes them out. So they can have time together alone. DH should tell them he'll let their mum know- its not fair on them to feel the pressure of telling her. Then after you've told them DH should really text their mum to let her know before they go back to her.

IfYouDontAsk · 22/05/2023 06:14

You are having a child with a man who only sees his existing children once a month and you’re not going to notify the children’s mother that they’re going to have a half sibling. This situation has success written all over it.

I would tell the children and their mother after the first scan so that they have plenty of time to adjust to the idea of a new baby. This might be happy news for the children, or it might feel very upsetting for them, or a mixture.

Beamur · 22/05/2023 06:18

I would tell the children and their mother after the first scan so that they have plenty of time to adjust to the idea of a new baby. This might be happy news for the children, or it might feel very upsetting for them, or a mixture
Even if you have a tricky relationship with their Mum, your DH should tell her. It's not something to hear on the grapevine.
Tell the children in person - just your DH and then so they have a little time for it to sink in, then join them a bit later. Good luck and congratulations.

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 06:19

Please, please tell their mother first so that she can support them. It's nothing to do with whether she's in your close circle- the news may well be devastating for the children and she needs to know so that she can be there. Just springing it on the kids without their mother being aware would be unforgivable. no it's not. As long as mum knows before she next sees the kids after they've been told then it's fine. Telling her while she's not with the kids gives her a bit of time to prepare herself.

MapoTofuLettuce · 22/05/2023 06:31

marshmallowmatcha · 22/05/2023 06:19

Please, please tell their mother first so that she can support them. It's nothing to do with whether she's in your close circle- the news may well be devastating for the children and she needs to know so that she can be there. Just springing it on the kids without their mother being aware would be unforgivable. no it's not. As long as mum knows before she next sees the kids after they've been told then it's fine. Telling her while she's not with the kids gives her a bit of time to prepare herself.

OP is suggesting that the kids tell her- a terrible idea. Her husband needs to tell his ex.

MapoTofuLettuce · 22/05/2023 06:32

Sorry, posted too soon. Telling her first gives her the chance to have input into when and how it's done- she's the one who lives with the kids and is likely to have a good idea how the news will affect them.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/05/2023 06:39

Those poor kids. Your partner couldn't be bothered to be a better dad to them and only sees them once a month. So unbelievably selfish.

Lovestinksyeahyeah · 22/05/2023 06:43

Don’t blindside the mum. Really unfair. She is the one who has the kids majority of the time and will be the one dealing with their emotional fall out.
from experience it’s hard - the kids will have big emotions and conflicting emotions. As the mum you have to listen to them, make sure they feel heard and not invalidate them, whilst trying to push them to think positively. You can’t really win. Mine would go from ‘if it’s a boy we can play football’ to ‘dads never going to come to my football matches anymore’ in one sentence. so don’t blindside her, she’s going to have a lot or deal with and no child should be put in the position of telling their mum.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/05/2023 06:45

Don’t blindside the mum. Really unfair. She is the one who has the kids majority of the time and will be the one dealing with their emotional fall out.

Exactly , she's the actual parent. Once a month is not parenting your kids. The mum is going to have to deal with the emotions from this.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 22/05/2023 07:02

I think you could wait til the 20week scan, tell the kids at the next visit and then have your DH tell his ex when he drops the kids home. - Just a quick; ´The kids have some news. They are going to have a new baby brother/sister on my side. Due x month).´
Don’t leave the kids to tell her. Then she’ll have to call and confirm it’s true.

Starlitestarbright · 22/05/2023 07:18

I have to echo what everyone said once a month is disgraceful he sees them 12 times a year. At 7 and 9 they are still very young. Has this been the case for the last 4 years? I can only imagine the fallout from this will be devasting for his children. He can't be a father with that amount of distance and limited contact. I think you need to prepare yourselves that this will not be an happy occassion for them. He needs to do better for his existing kids.

SargentSagittarius · 22/05/2023 07:25

I guess at least you know what to expect of him, if your relationship doesn’t go the distance.

When someone shows you who they are: believe them.

IfYouDontAsk · 22/05/2023 07:27

It could have been the mum who’s moved 350 miles away so the father only seeing the children once a month might not be a situation he’s chosen.

That said, regardless of who moved away it still means that the announcement of the OP’s pregnancy needs to be especially carefully handled. If the children miss their dad a lot between visits then the arrival of a baby who gets to live with dad all the time could obviously be very difficult for them to accept.

TheChoiceIsYours · 22/05/2023 07:41

Leaving a 7 and 9 year old to tell their mum this news is truly awful behaviour. What are you and their father thinking? Their mother may not be in your ‘close circle’ but she is the most important person on the planet to your step children and the one that will actually be parenting them through the emotional rollercoaster of their largely absent father creating a new family. And he doesn’t think she’s worthy of a quick heads up? Instead he places the burden of sharing that adult news and probably visibly shocking the mother on his young children?! That’s really grim. What kind of dad does that to small kids?

And why does your DH live so far from his children and barely participate in their parenting? Even if it was the ex that moved away (was it?) a parent who actually wants to be part of their kids’ lives can stop that through legal channels. There’s always an excuse as to why the bloke has to live 300+ miles from his kids but I’ve never read one that actually stands up.

When you actually have your own child and have experienced parenting I suspect you will look back in shame at how you handled this situation. If you have any desire to make a blended family situation work then you need to make the co parent part of your ‘close circle’ pronto.

Beamur · 22/05/2023 07:46

When you actually have your own child and have experienced parenting I suspect you will look back in shame at how you handled this situation. If you have any desire to make a blended family situation work then you need to make the co parent part of your ‘close circle’ pronto

This is incredibly unfair. The OP is here, asking other people who have been in this position for their advice and guidance. She isn't an experienced parent and only sees these children a handful of times a year so doesn't have the benefit of that kind of wisdom you're referring to.
Shame on everyone on this post who've taken the opportunity to give her a kick when you know very little about this situation.

ZekeZeke · 22/05/2023 07:54

If you are planning on sharing your news via social media, you should absolutely let his ex know first. She/the children shouldn't find out via social media. They should hear this news from their father.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

SunnieShine · 22/05/2023 07:57

Did he leave his ex-wife for you? You say the relationship "broke down" before you met, but does that mean he had already moved out when you met or that was still living with her and told you his wife "doesn't understand him" so it was fine for him to start seeing you?